"Oh please!" godconnie gently pounded her forehead against the rough bark and begged for some divine intervention.
"Take a chill pill, Dimples!" the Goddess of Love chided from behind. "You act as if you've never been a man before!"
"What?!" gc twirled to see the scantily clad vision. "I never have been a man before!"
Aphrodite chuckled. "That's right!" She waved a delicate hand at gc. "You mortals never remember your past lives!"
"Did ancient Greeks even believe in reincarnation?" the beffudled fanfic writer asked herself.
"Who are you calling 'ancient,' Stud?" pouted the offended goddess.
"Not you, of course." gc covered her faux pas nicely.
Aphrodite's face lit up with a gigantic smile. "Didn't think so, Handsome." She crinkled her nose and twinkled her eyes in a seductive manner.
godconnie stopped breathing for a moment.
"Uh..." gc said as her lungs began to fill again. "Could you maybe try to be less...s...s...sexy?"
The jungle rang with the most glorious laughter that ever existed.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Aphrodite grabbed her side and doubled over. "Who knew that laughter could be so painful?"
"Wait," gc said with concern. "Gods don't feel pain."
"Ow," the goddess straightened up. "Yeah, you're right." She stretched her arms and leaned from side to side. "What's that about?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean, you don't know?" Aphrodite questioned. "You're writing this!"
"Yeah, but I'd never want to hurt you," gc said shyly. "You're the Goddess of Love and all."
"So sweet," the goddess smiled. "Well then, what gives?"
godconnie had a thought. "What if you're losing your powers? I mean, Ares is mortal now, right?" She appeared to be wrestling with some kind of twisted RenPics-like logic. "Does your world really need love now that war has been eradicated?"
Aphrodite's eyes grew wide. "You have got to be kidding me!" She shouted in disbelief. "The world will always need love!!!"
"Okay! Okay!" the writer acquiesced. "Sorry."
"Jeez Louise," the goddess began to pace. "Don't freak me out like that, okay?"
"I'm not trying to upset you, Aphrodite, but something is certainly amiss," godconnie said seriously. "I mean... Maybe you should do something to prove that you've still got it."
"Oh, I've got it all right!"
"If you say so..."
Aphrodite stopped in her tracks. "Listen, Little Miss Smartypants..." She put her hands on her shapely hips. "I can handle anything your mortal imagination can come up with!"
"You think so?" A plan began to take shape in the writer's mind.
"Name your poison," the goddess commanded.
"Seriously?" gc scuffed the ground with her foot and lowered her gaze.
"Oh, don't play coy with me now," the blonde said, shaking her head.
"Could you change the lower half of my body back to that of a female?" the Scorpio asked meekly.
"Whatever floats your boat," Aphrodite nodded and part of gc's body became hers again. "Weirdo," the goddess mumbled under her breath.
"I heard that."
"Whatever..." Aphrodite made a 'W' with her fingers.
"Ah..." gc did a tiny wiggle dance and sighed happily, moderately comfortable again. "Sweet relief."
"So," Aphrodite interrupted. "Do I still have it or what?"
"It appears that you do," the writer responded. "Still, that doesn't explain why your side was aching."
"This is true," the blonde agreed.
"Are you sure it's not possible that someone is tapping into your powers?" godconnie asked. "Leeching off of you in this time of Olympian weakness?"
"What kind of person would do such a thing?"
"Oh my god!" gc proclaimed, having a revelation. "What if it's the Archangel Michael and his giant shaft of light?!" She began to speak quickly. "He could have easily suckered some poor, innocent sap into doing some weird mojo on you! I mean, if he can convince the Warrior Princess to become his religious assassin, he could pretty much talk anyone into doing just about anything, right?"
"Whoa there, cowgirl!" Aphrodite requested. "Back up a bit. Who is this Michael and just how big is his shaft?" she asked - half concerned, half turned on.
"What?" the writer had been lost in thought. "Oh, Michael is the head lackey for Eli's God of Love."
"God of LOVE?!!!" the goddess fumed. "That's what he calls himself?"
"It's what the Elijians call him," confirmed gc.
"Oooooooooooooooh..." the goddess whined and stomped her foot. "Could my summer get any worse?"
"Hey," the writer stated cautiously. "You don't think Michael got to Mezzo, do you?"
"What would make you suggest that?"
"Well, she's been boasting about her burgeoning zapping powers," the dark-haired woman explained. "She's the one that turned me into Probst."
"Ouch!" the goddess said in disgust. "She did this to you?"
godconnie nodded. "At first, I attributed her newfound powers to her Willow Rosenberg fixation..."
"Willow!" Aphrodite broke in with a happy squeal. "Aren't she and Tara just the cutest?"
"Adorable," godconnie agreed.
"Joss is awesome!" the goddess chirped.
"You're preaching to the choir, sister!"
"I hope he pens another Aliens script," Aphrodite continued. "I'm dying to see Sigourney and Winona get it on!"
"You and me both..." gc stopped. "Hey, wait a minute. We're supposed to be talking about Mezzo and her magic spells."
"My bad!" the goddess shrugged.
"Aren't you the least bit concerned about what's going on?"
"I'm definintely not liking this whole pain thing," Aphrodited admitted. "And I am so not down with the concept of a self-proclaimed God of Love. But... I really don't think Mezzo would do anything to hurt me."
"What if she's been touched by Michael's shaft?"
Aphrodite raised one eyebrow and paused for effect. "Do you honestly think that Mezzo would let any guy's shaft get near her?" she deadpanned.
"You have a point there."
"You might be right about her wanting to be the next Big Bad, but I just don't see her using her powers for evil."
"Hello?!!!" gc thrust her arms out. "She turned me into Jeff 'Anal' Probst!!!"
Aphrodite cringed. "That is pretty vile," she agreed. "Did she explain why she did it?"
"Something about us needing to do damage control during the reward challenge. She thought Probst would be the best instrument for that. She then claimed it would be easier to transform me because I already have brown eyes and dimples."
"Sucker!" laughed Aphrodite.
godconnie snarled.
"I could change you back if you want," the goddess quickly offered.
"I wish you could," gc looked back at the antsy castaways who were pacing up and down the beach. "But I still have a job to do."
"So dedicated," the blonde put an appreciative hand on Faux-Probst's shoulder.
Suddenly, there was a gleam in the fanfic author's eye. "Is there any way we could give Mezzo a dose of her own medicine?"
"That depends on what you have in mind," said the equitable goddess.
"Would you change part of her anatomy?" asked a hopeful gc.
The goddess threw her head back and sighed. "Can't you think of something more original?"
"But this is the perfect way to get even," the writer begged. "Plus, it'll guarantee that she never messes with me again."
"Fine," the blonde gave in. "What do you want me to do? Oh! I know! I could make her the first female Centaur!"
"Ick!" godconnie shook her head. "Centaurs give me the creeps!"
"What about a mermaid?" the goddess questioned. "Mermaids aren't creepy."
"No, but the mere thought of them causes me to have flashbacks to Married With Fishsticks." gc shivered. "Please don't make me go there again."
"You're right." Even Aphrodite hated that particular moment in time. "Sorry. What would you suggest then?"
"Well..." gc said in a conspiratorial manner. "Mezzo has this thing about Ares' boobies."
"Exsqueeze me?"
"She thinks they are too fleshy, too hairy," the writer explained. "They make her want to retch."
"What is she, nuts?" the blonde bombshell asked, disbelieving. "I mean, I know he's my bro and all, but he is fine with a capital 'F'!"
"Some people just don't appreciate true beauty," stated gc.
"The horror!"
"I know," the dark-haired woman said sympathetically. "Maybe we could teach her a lesson or two?"
The goddess nodded. "One fleshy, hairy-chested fanfic writer coming up!" She began to snap her fingers, an act that would cause her to vanish.
"Aphrodite!" gc yelled before the goddess could disappear.
"Yes?"
"Thank you," the writer said sincerely. "And be careful."
The goddess smiled. "Always, Cutie." And, with a wink and a snap, Aphrodite was gone.
Fifteen seconds later, the island reverberated with Mezzo's tortured howl.
"Heh," godconnie chuckled. "Score one for the Scorpio."
"Who da hell is he talkin' to?" Rudy asked as he craned his neck to view Probst engaging in an animated conversation with thin air.
"Maybe he's rehearsing his lines," Jenna suggested.
"Or he could be conversing with the talking rats," submitted Sean.
Talking rats? thought Tapert. What a novel idea! Why, if I can get the studio to finance a Xena movie, I know exactly where I'd put a talking rat! His eyes lowered to the unsuspecting warrior's cleavage, his imagination took over from there...
A good-sized brown
rodent popped it's head out above the
top of Xena's copper armor.
"Hey, Xena!"
the rat called, sniffing the air that smelled
suspisciously like warrior sweat.
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever
miss Gabrielle?" he asked in his nasal rat
voice.
"Sometimes,"
the warrior said flatly. "But not so
much when I'm with you."
"Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh..." the rat snorted
incessantly.
Tapert's attention was snapped back to reality as he felt the jolt from Gabrielle's open palm to his forehead.
"Ouch!" the redhead exclaimed. "What did you do that for?" He rubbed his sensitive noggin.
"I didn't like the way you were looking at my friend," she responded, a hint of danger in her voice.
"You're a total bitch, you know that?" he whined.
The Amazon sucked in her amazing abs. "Oh, am I?"
"Uh..." The TV exec realized that this well-built woman could beat the living daylights out of him without breaking a sweat. "Just kidding," he giggled nervously.
"I don't think you were," she said firmly, her nose just millimeters from his.
Tapert tried to hold her stare, but didn't last ten seconds. He gulped and ran away like the terrified uber nerd that he was.
"I thought as much," the bard snarled under her breath.
"Hey," Soo yelled. "Looks like Probst is comin' our way."
Gabrielle turned to see the peculiar man walking back toward camp.
"Sorry about the delay," godconnie said to the gathering throng. "We were experiencing some technical difficulties."
"So that's what ya call it, Jeff?" Soo snorted.
"Uh," the writer had no interest in interacting with the truck driver. "Yeah."
"I bet yer girlfriend don't take too kindly to those kinds o' technical difficulties, eh Jeff?" Soo continued.
"Or his boyfriend," murmured Kelly.
"All right!" gc said resolutely and gave them both the evil eye. "It's time for this week's reward challenge." The castaways moved in closer; a strange silence hovered over them. "As has been the case since your two tribes merged, today's challenge is an individual one. This means that only one of you can win."
"Sonofabitch!" Rudy, knowing he didn't stand a chance, shook his head and walked away.
"Now this island is well known for two things: rainbows and coconuts," the writer hoped like Hades that her listeners were buying this bull.
Colleen started to giggle. godconnie cleared her throat and the comely co-ed bit her lip.
"Today's challenge will incorporate both of those things..."
"Excuse me," spoke the bard. gc closed her eyes and collected her thoughts. "Sorry to interrupt again, but are we contestants in this game now?"
The woman-trapped-in-a-sleazy-man's-body looked at each non-castaway and appeared to make a decision.
"Seeing as how one of our regular contestants, Richard Hatch, is currently under medical supervision, we will allow one of you to take his place."
"Hey," Sean said. "Rich isn't here."
"Who's Rich?" asked Gervase.
"What kind o' medical supervision is he under?" questioned the tenacious trucker, Soo.
"I'm not privvy to that particular information," gc improvised. "Mr. Burnett is taking care of it."
"Yah!" Soozin chortled. "I'll bet he is!"
"Rich and Mark have an understanding," Kelly added. "Rich is under and Mark is standing."
"Ha!" roared Soo. "That's a good one!"
"Christ on a cracker!" barked Rudy as he returned to the fold. "Can't you two dames shut yer yaps?"
"Ahhh-bviously not, Grandpa!" snapped Soozin.
"Please," godconnie was beginning to feel an anxiety attack coming on. "I beg of you, just do this reward challenge and then you can go back to your regularly scheduled bitchfest."
Soo and Kelly looked at each other and shrugged. Kelly nodded her head in approval.
"Thank you," gc sighed inwardly. "Now..." she looked back at the bard. "As for the three of you... We flipped a coin earlier and decided that Xena would be the one to participate in this competition."
"Wait a galdarned minute!" Tapert interjected. "I didn't see you flip the coin, so how do I know you're telling the truth?"
"You don't," godconnie said coldly. She noticed this caused a small grin to grace the Amazon's face.
"I demand that you flip the coin here!" the redhead bawled.
"No."
"I've never heard of a three-sided coin anyway!" he looked desperately at Rudy. "Have you?"
"You're as bad as these damn women!" was the Navy Seal's response.
"Calm down, Mr. Tapert," the woman masquerading as the host said.
"How do you know my name?" the TV exec inquired.
"You're legendary in the world of television, of course," gc lied.
"Of course," Tapert agreed. "Sorry about that. I just get a little out of sorts at times when I think my vision isn't being respected."
"Believe me," the author said honestly. "I know all about your vision."
"Does that mean you'll let me compete?"
"No."
"But!" gc put a finger to Tapert's thin, dry lips.
"Hush," the dimpled dramatist directed. "This challenge is very dangerous and there's no way we can, in good conscience, risk injuring one of the greatest visionaries of this, or any, generation."
"Ugh," groaned the bard. godconnie was pained by the fact that she had momentarily let her heroine down, but she knew that it was for the greater good.
"You're a good
man, Jeff," Tapert smiled and patted gc on the back.
