Huh?!

siyempre hindi ko napipigilan ang sarili ko at nood ako ng nood ng tv kahit alam ko na kailangan ko matulog. yan tuloy, na-late ako sa gma kanina. 4:30 na kasi ako nagising.

"Kevin, bagay kayo ni Jamie. Pareho kayong mabait." Sabi ni Gerry sa Stained Glass. Huh?! Tawang-tawa ako kahapon. kung yan lang pala, di bagay rin pala ako at si [toot] at bagay rin si irene at si [toot] at bagay rin si icang at si [toot]. for that, all mababait people in the world, unite!

~~~

can't count how many times i've imagined collapsing a la sims. i can see it in my mind already: first, stomping my foot then waving my hands over my head while shouting at the omniscient person above before crumpling to the ground to the tune of rock-a-bye-baby. huhu. i need sleep.

~~~

siyempre, tumaas para sa akin ang cuteness level ni sweet jamon habang pinapanood ko siya magdirect ng unang hirit. la lang.

~~~

napanood ko na rin pala ang the interpreter. dapat kasama ko si yoshke kaya lang nagconk-out ang aking magaling na cellphone around 4pm kaya di ko alam kung anong nangyari sa kanya (es, sorry talaga!) mas kinilig ako dito kesa sa wedding date. i kept on thinking: just kiss her already, man! naintindihan ko na ang sex appeal ni sean penn (aside from him being a great, great actor.) at noon ko pa naman talaga mahal si nicole kidman. only comment ko: ang ganda-ganda naman ng buhok niya. naaksidente na siya, perfect parin. for more suture.

nakita ko na rin ang poster ng chronicles of narnia: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe. excited na ako kahit next year siya. i so want to see nicole as the white witch.

she who was bitter on april 26, 2005

Memories of Batangas

accidentally destroyed the 1000 piece lotr puzzle that i worked so hard on so i have to do it all over again. huhuhu.

~~~

devised a new plan on how to stay awake and it involves a TV and countless Korean telenovelas or movies. (speaking of which, i just watched four movies: 100 days with mr. arrogant, sex is zero, my little bride and he was cool.)

don't want to admit it really, but i'm getting hooked. i find myself rushing home to watch memories of bali and stained glass. can't wait till my sister buys them so that i can pig out in front of the tv again.

~~~

here are some pictures from batangas. the commercial is airing today so it's okay to show them now.

ayoko na talaga mag-advertising. nakakainis kasi yung mga taga agency. isipin mo ang producer ng commercial na ito, hinahanap sarili niya sa mga pictures. bakit ba raw puro production shots at yung artistang si evan (sorry, cute siya) ang kinuha ko at hindi siya? eh malay ko ba na kailangan ko siya picturan? sige, next time, pipicturan ko sila na nakaupo sa side at kumakain. argh!

in other news, naiwan ni sir lino ang jacket niya sa optima kahapon. sayang, ni-report namin ni mimi at di na lang namin kinuha. hehe.

~~~

how can you tell a friend something you know will make him angry?

~~~

perhaps i am
just a little bit in love
with you.
after all,
this is me
the one who falls in love
easily.

i must say goodbye to someone, but i don't really know how.

she who was graced on april 23, 2005

Future Insomniac

i'm assigned to gma's unang hirit and my call time each morning is 4 am which means that i'll probably not sleep the rest of the summer. aaah! i love sleep. oh well.

~~~

i wouldn't call this getting over my writer's block but at least...

~~~

it's obvious where this comes from:

Re: Love at First Sight

Perhaps you are right
and I have seen him
inside an elevator
or sitting beside me in a jeepney.
perhaps we nodded hellos
in a hallway somewhere
or accidentally
bumped into each other
while rushing into someone else.
and perhaps fate
is not yet ready for us
and that is why we walk
unrecognized.

I only wish
he'll love Gershwin
as much as I.

~~~

this i wrote because of an conversation i had with irene and tez where tez asked me if stupid was my crush. although i realize now that some lines are from rod mckuen's thursday evening. oh well, the sentiment, at least, is different.

Love Poem no. 3

What shall I call you?
I wouldn’t know.

We are neither who we were
Or who we were supposed to be
Our lives have stretched separately
In different roads,
perhaps even parallel
never to meet except
when it brings me back to you.

Never mind.

Love, if anything, is fleeting
It comes like a storm
And one stands in its eye
Unknowing, unflinching, unable
to refuse it.
Neither were we ready
Nor spared for its force
It brought us together
And ripped us further apart
Than we already were.

You know,
I don’t even know
Your favorite color.
I never asked.

she who was graced on april 22, 2005

If This is the Real World, May I Please Not Live in It?

i really, really don't want to. can't i just remain a student forever?

i just gave up a job in industria because i thought i was already accepted in gma but apparently i have to submit everything i submitted before, AGAIN. which means i have to go to Vinzon's Hall to get another certificate of Good Moral Character. i have to get my form 5 photocopied and stamped, etc... which would be all right, but i have work today. but since this job is almost finished and i gave up the industria job (which still remains heavy in my heart) i have no choice but to do this. and anyway, i asked a huge favor from somebody to get into gma and it's embarrassing if i just give it up after all his hard work. but still. mmpft.

~~~

watched this taiwanese film Turn Left, Turn Right and loved it so much (even better than Sassy Girl) not only because it starred the gorgeous Takeshi Kaneshiro but because it's based on this poem:

Love at First Sight
Wislawa Szymborska

Both are convinced
that a sudden surge of emotion bound them together.
Beatiful is such a certainty,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they'd never met before, they're sure
that nothing was happening between them.
What of streets, stariways and corridors
where they could have passed each other long ago?

I'd like to ask them
whether they remember--
Perhaps in a revolving door
ever being face to face?
An "excuse me" in a crowd?
A curt "wrong number" in the receiver?
But I know the answer:
No, they don't remember.

They'd be greatly astonished to learn
that for a long time
Chance had been playing with them.

Not yet wholly ready
to transform into fate for them
it approached them, then backed off,
stood in their way,
and, suppressing a giggle,
jumped to the side.

There were signs and signals,
even if they couldn't read them yet.
Perhaps three years ago
or just last Tuesday
a certain leaf fluttered
from one shoulder to another?
Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood's thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night, perhaps, the same dream,
forgotten in waking.

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through.

she who was bitter on april 20, 2005

[Wala Pang Naiisip na Title]

kararating ko lang from batangas kung saan may isang shoot na naganap. hindi ko alam kung maiinis ako dahil masaya naman ako na nakarating doon at nabasa ang mga paa ko ng dagat ng batangas. kailangan ko lang siguro mag-vent out ng suya [inis].

unang-una, wag nyo pong insultuhin ang aking intelligence o capability bilang isang film maker by asking insanely stupid questions like "marunong ka ba mag-video?" hindi po. nagpapanggap lang po akong film major. sana naman binasa muna nila ang aming mga resumes para malaman nila kung anong kaya namin gawin.

isa pa, okay lang sa akin na naghihintay. okay lang kahit isang oras o dalawa o higit pa kahit hanggang nilalamok na ako sa kakahintay. okay lang yun dahil wala akong karapatan. hindi nyo ako binabayaran. nakikikain lang ako. pero sana naman ma-recognize niyo na may mga kamay din ako. at may utak. sayang naman ang pagpapahaggard niyo eh nakatayo lang kami dito at nakatunganga.

wag din po kayo mainis kung tinatanong namin kung anong oras kami makakauwi. hindi po namin kayo pinepressure. gusto lang namin malaman. dahil ayaw din namin magsayang ng oras kung pwede na kami matulog. at wag ka na rin magparinig. kanina ko pa balak mag-taxi kung may dumadaan lang sa lugar na 'to.

ang labo nyo, pare. pwede ba? marami naman akong natututunan pero majority parin ng oras ko ay nasasayang sa paghihintay. katulad kahapon. 12 am nasa office na kami. dapat 2 am umalis na kami papuntang batangas. kaya lang ang arte ng mga talents. ang arte ng make-up artist at ng mga tao sa agency na ayaw makisiksik sa isang malaking van kundi dapat isa-isa lang. kaya tuloy, 5 am kami nakaalis. tapos nung araw bago kahapon, pinabili nyo ako ng gamit at naghintay ako ng isang oras para sa service na hindi dumating. naglakad na lang ako pabalik sa office para malaman na umalis na pala kayo papuntang batangas. ang saya-saya, noh?

para sa inyong lahat: isang malaking EXS. nagpapasalamat ako na hindi ko kailangan magbenta ng aking kaluluwa para lang sa pera.

~~~

pero masaya ako dahil nalaman ko na pupunta si neil gaiman sa philippines sa july. woohoo! kung may isang tao ako istastalk (na hindi si orlando bloom), siya yun. mahal ko siya at ang utak niyang astig. finally!!! at panoorin nyo pala itong pelikula niya. kahit pirated pa. what joy! what bliss! mahal ko talaga siya.

she who was bitter on april 17, 2005

L(a leaf falls)oneliness*

*a poem by ee cummings, in summary

first things first, let me tell you how my day began. i woke up at 6 am not by my alarm clock but by a cold, wet feeling down my neck. apparently, my eye mask (the one i use when i have eye strain) bled gooey blue stuff all over my pillow and hair.

enrollment went easy, except that i'm still nervous over my grades and apparently my comm 141 teacher had not passed our grades to our department. figures. ate in jollibee with irene, icang, nina and mao and talked about each others (and basically up cinema's) love lives. marami akong nalamang bago except kay nina na hindi nanaman nagsalita.

then i tried to go to work and was in the mrt station already only for mimi to text me not to go anymore because there's nothing to do. i texted my boss's assistant and he told me not to go anymore. i went to ayala anyway and decided to treat myself to a movie because i haven't watched one in a moviehouse for so long. medyo namahalan lang ako sa glorietta. but overall was happy with the new trailers i got to watch. not so happy about the movie itself but it was bearable.

went out feeling a bit lonely and decided to treat myself with a neil gaiman comic book. i hate it when i have one of these moods. and just when i thought i was finally used to being alone. after all, this wasn't the first time i had a date with myself. how can one miss something one never really had?

~~~

music playing:

Everything (Lifehouse)
Lost You (Nine Days)
Sorry (Maria Mena)
Love is No Big Truth (Kings of Convenience)
Fools Like Me (Lisa Loeb)
The Blower's Daughter (Damien Rice)
Leaving You (Session Road)

~~~

why is it that i feel like no one listens to me?

she who was bitter on april 14, 2005

Iba na Talaga Pag May Budget, Part Two

medyo okay naman ako today, bilang isang intern. pinakuha ako ni direk lino cayetano ng mga still photographs ng shoot kanina gamit ang kanyang camera na parang galing ibang planeta. siyempre natakot naman ako dahil hindi ako ganun ka galing bilang isang photographer. ano nga ba ginagawa ko sa film?

tapos dinala kami ng supervisor namin sa optima at roadrunner videopost. at hindi na hanggang lobby lang ang narating namin. nakita namin ang machine na ginagamit sa pag digitize ng film. ang astig ng mga gamit nila. napaka-high tech. nakita rin namin si direk mac alejandre at direk yam laranas at pati na yung director ng mga billy [pldt] commercials (sorry, nakalimutan ko name niya.) tuwang-tuwa kami dahil may free skyflakes sa lounge area at di pa kami naglulunch sa oras na yun.

mga 3 o'clock, bumalik na kami sa shoot at nakakain na rin ng lunch. gumamit pala sila ng crane. ngayon lang rin ako nakakita nun. nakakatuwa rin si direk lino at direk lyle sacris (na gumawa ng cinematography.) complete opposites sila pero ang close nila at parang mga bata pag magkasama. finally nakapagwrap-up kami ng mga 5.

haay salamat, enrolment na bukas. hindi ko na kailangan magising ng maaga dahil hapon pa ako pupunta ng makati. gumawa rin ako ng friend test. good luck.

she who was graced on april 13, 2005

Iba na Talaga Pag May Budget

medyo wala parin ako ginawa bilang isang intern. parang mas marami pang inuutos sa akin nung student assistant ako sa maskom library. of course, binabayaran nila ako dun. dito, feel ko akala niya matututo kami sa pag00bserve pero most of the time naaantok lang kami ni mimi. in fairness, nabusog naman ako dun sa handa nila kanina. bottomless coke. yay!

35mm film ang gamit at 10-hour shoot para sa isang 30 sec commercial. grabe. naalala ko nung nagshoot kami para sa film 113. tinapos namin ang 5 minute film sa isang araw. tipid sa film. tipid sa take. grabe ang practice para perfect on the first try. dito ang dami. may pagka-0c pa ang director. umabot ata ng 17 takes ang isang shot. at kahit may good shot na, kumukuha parin ng mga safety shots kaya nadadagdagan.

ang ganda ng set nila. talagang interior designer kaya ang galing. ang ganda rin ng ilaw. nafeel ko talaga na commercial siya. pero wala parin akong balak maghanap ng career sa advertising.

~~~

syempre, everything parin ang pinakikinggan ko ngayon habang nanonood ng all about eve. plano ko sana ipost na dito ang mga poems ni rod mckuen pero tinamad ako. bukas na lang siguro.

she who was graced on april 12, 2005

Shameless Plug

bago ang lahat may gusto lang ako sabihin. oi, psst...ang whole point ng site na ito ay para i-post yung mga favorite literature ko at yung mga gawa ko rin. kaya pumunta kayo sa literary site kung saan makikita niyo ang mga magagandang songs, stories, essays or poems katulad nito:

Love Poem no. 2

Would you love me for my clumsy hands
My contradictions, awkward words
Nervous, as I am and always
Shivering deep fears
I have lost my ability to cry.

Indeed, if I am what I am
Would you love me, regardless

Stone settled deep
Weighing my voice down
Hear my whispering sighs desperately
Clawing through the shrieking wind
Myself is lost within

Maybe you have sniffed out my fears
And your eyes fall
To another filled with laughter
Unlike my silences

Very well, then, I withdraw
My words shall fall differently, unspoken
My tongue shall find another language
And you shall hear my silence
Jumping from the snow.

~~~

spent the whole day looking kinda clueless dahil wala kaming ginawa ni mimi kundi umupo at mag-observe ng mga tao. buti na lang, medyo na-explore namin ang makati kaya alam na namin ang cheaper way around (aka walking.) medyo may nakuha naman ako sa day na to. may na-observe akong two different ways of directing at may nakilalang isang astig na AD na talo pa ata si francois truffaut sa pag-motivate ng bata. hindi ko rin mabilang kung ilang beses ko nasabi ang word na cute today pero sasabihin ko ulit. ang cute ni sir lino!!!! hehe.

~~~

pang ilang beses ko na pinatugtog ang everything ng lifehouse. ang ganda kasi. maiiyak ako, kung umiiyak ako. sige, kailangan ko ng tulog dahil 7 am ang call time ko bukas. pero pakinggan ko muna ulit ang song na 'to bago matulog.

how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?
would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

she who was graced on april 11, 2005

Masaya Ka Ba?

sa tagboard ni ilaya: hindi ako masaya dahil may ginawa akong katangahan. eniwei...

ano bang katangahan yun? basically, may hindi ako ginawa. i spent that day staring at my cellphone and trying to make a message pero hindi ko ginawa. for that, i will be eternally regretting it.

~~~

sinusulat ko to para bukas dahil hindi ko alam kung makakasulat ako bukas dahil magsisimula na ang internship ko.

aalis ang kapatid ko papuntang puerto galera. haaay. wala na talaga akong panahon para mag bakasyon. may fopc video pa na kailangan asikasuhin. okay lang yan, rex, kaya natin 'to. aja!

~~~

things i want as of this moment:

1. a haircut

2. an internal air conditioning system

3. a lovelife or an instant boyfriend. either way, i'm tired of being single. hehe. question is, may mag-aaply ba?

4. either stardust or the wake by neil gaiman (or better yet, both!) para ma-kumpleto ko na ang aking collection.

5. happiness? hehe...hindi ganun kadali. i think i'm too scared of life and everything else to be truly happy. i never take chances. see katangahan for more details.

6. a vacation. anywhere out of manila. i've been to only two places in the philippines: manila and davao (cebu doesn't count because i was too young to remember.) i want to see the banaue rice terraces. i want to see the hidden lakes in laguna. i want to go to hundred islands or pagsanjan falls. anyplace, anywhere but here. please!

~~~

i wish this would stop. i think i need to get out more. aaaah! kailangan ko maging masaya. paano ba? hindi ko alam. kaya nga ako bitter eh. bahala na nga.

she who was bitter on april 11, 2005

Love For Sale*

*isang kanta ni cole porter

napanood ko ang women tell all episode ng bachelor 5 habang hinihintay ang gilmore girls. nakakainis ang mga babae paminsan. kaya may mga lalake na nakakagawa ng dimenian theory dahil sa kanilang mga kababawan. kaya ayoko ng mga bachelor shows. ayoko din ng mga shampoo at skin whitening commercials. parang walang ibang existence ang babae kundi mag-attract ng lalake. nakakainis talaga.

~~~

may hindi ako ginawa na dapat ginawa ko ata. but too late na. some things are just not meant to be. i get it. trust me, i GET it. sana lang, for once, they are.

she who was bitter on april 10, 2005

Yes!

finally got an internship job, thanks (a milllion, zillion times) to mimi. the only problem is, i might not be able to go to an interview with ideal minds on monday and i wanted to work there too. well, we'll see. nakakainis lang dahil nasa makati siya at ibang mundo para sa amin at di pa namin alam kung paano pumunta dun sa street na yun na hindi nagtataxi.

~~~

it's creepy sometimes when you realize that you're not the only one in this world with that kind of problem. for that, i now love rainer maria rilke to the ends of this earth because he made a few things clearer, thanks to his book, letters to a young poet. i recommend it to anyone who's always questioning why.

she who was graced on april 9, 2005

P.S.

ang seryoso ko pala. ayoko na maging seryoso. (hehe, asa pa.) kahit na. basta. ayoko na maging seryoso.

she who was graced on april 8, 2005

How Exactly Does One Live the Questions Without Getting a Headache?

my creative writing teacher once adviced us that we shouldn't be too sad if there are questions we cannot answer. it's better if we live the questions, she said quoting rilke. i just finished rereading Rilke On Love and Other Difficulties and came across the whole quote:

"You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

~~~

question no. 1: why isn't anyone calling back about my internship? after all, i'm a fairly good student with work experience and extremely talented. plus, i'm from UP and a film student at that. why isn't anyone calling back? is it because my picture is ugly? does my appearance really matter anyway when i have a brain?

question no. 2: why are boys so stupid? more specifically, why are boys i like so stupid? or maybe they're really just not into me. if so, why aren't they? am i that repulsive? is it because i'm to much for them to handle? and why am i so affected anyway? my world is not supposed to revolve around them. but why does it feel like it does?

question no. 3: why can't i write anything? is it because my life is so boring and i do nothing but read or watch films when i'm supposed to be going out into the world and experiencing things for myself instead of living vicariously? does my writer's block mean that i'm mediocre? of course i'm not mediocre. but somehow i feel mediocre recently.

question no. 4: is it true? if it's not then what is? is anything true or are we just fooling ourselves that they are? are we even true? maybe we're actually ghosts and we just don't know it. maybe i'm somebody dreamed by somebody else and death is actually that person waking up. maybe...

she who was bitter on april 8, 2005

Love is No Big Truth

came across this wonderful song by the Kings of Convenience and i just had to buy their album:

All I do is sleep all day, and think of you.
A memory of the cushioned life I'm clinging to.
The image of a mutual one- our haven.
The sombre chords of our song, the fading.

Love is no big truth,
driven by our genes, we are simple selfish beings
A symphony that's you,
joyously awaking the ignorant and sleeping.

Passion and its brother hate, they come and go.
Could easily be made to stay for longer though.
Many people play this game so willingly-
Do I have to be like them, or be lonely?

Love is no big truth,
driven by our genes, we are simple selfish beings
A symphony that's you,
joyously awaking the ignorant and sleeping.

Another view of what there is to it,
Getting me through it.
I'll never need it again.

~~~

i think it's sad that most of the american idol contestants don't know anything about musicals because it''s the greatest contribution of america to culture. for that, i'm rooting for constantine.

~~~

personal horoscope for myself: he's just not that into you.

she who was graced on april 7, 2005

No. of Impulses to Grab a Pair of Scissors and Cut my Hair Very, Very Short: Too Many

my sister went to tagaytay which leaves me, ate helen (the housekeeper) and her tiramisu in the house. anyone want to party?

~~~

still no calls from anyone regarding internship. can't help it but i'm in panic (not to mention slight depression.) still bumming out in the study room and watching movies. still haven't done the comm 141 paper.

truth is, i have writer's block. i've had writer's block probably this whole school year which scares me because thesis proposal is coming up and i can't think of any good concepts except adaptations (of dead stars or the folly parade.) i can't even finish writing obsolescence. i can't even finish the new song i'm trying to compose. or the new piano piece. grrr. argh. i'm stuck.

~~~

read somewhere (while making my psychoanalysis paper) that all women are bisexual and all men are gay. figures.

~~~

i'm soooo glad that spike is back in my life. now i have a reason to watch angel again.

~~~

oh, well. life, as it is, is always perfect. just don't count on the specifics.

she who was bitter on april 6, 2005

Inventory

no. of people in the house as of this moment: 1

no. of calls from companies re: internship: 0

no. of important text messages from anyone regarding anything: 0

no. of papers made for comm 141: 0

no. of glasses of iced tea drank: 3

no. of pimples: +2

no. of calls from phone-stalker guy: 0

no. of cellphones fixed: 0

no. of full house episodes watched: 12

~~~

just got to the part where the girl is expecting the guy to tell her that he likes her but instead tells her that he's leaving her for another girl. ouch.

~~~

haven't left the study room since i came home yesterday afternoon. in fact, i'm practically living in the study room as of this moment. my room's too hot to hang out in.

~~~

Room
Rod McKuen

Ceiling cracks,
dusty woodwork,
a spider’s web half started,
I know this room by heart.
I find my way
from bed to toilet
in the middle of
the darkest night.

Half asleep or wide awake
I need no map
to help me thread my way
past and in between
the obstacles that fill up full
this empty room

I’d post a letter
but I don’t know your address.
I’d call
but how would I begin
let alone maintain a conversation?
Once I’d promised to forget you
I ran backward
Making sure
that I’d remember you
for always.

The doorbell buzzes
at odd times
in the morning
or the night,
maybe all day long
if I were here
to hear it.

I never answer
since it isn’t you.
And if it were
on opening the door
I’d only open
brand new memories
that even as they happened
I’d be making resolutions
to forget.

~~~

there's nothing left of us but the shadow of what's past and what could have been. but i still feel the gap in between.

she who was graced on april 5, 2005

Tapos na ang Sem!

actually, hindi pa dahil may paper pa ako sa comm 141 na di ko ginagawa pero walang pumapasa sa egroups kaya matutulog muna ako.

~~~

hindi na tumatawag ang phone-stalker. kasi nung tumawag siya nung isang gabi hindi na ako nagsalita at nailang siya. kaya yun. sana hindi na tumawag pa.

~~~

akala ko, kaya ko ayusin ang internship ko na mag-isa pero ilang weeks na nakalipas at wala pang tumatawag sa akin. ang probe team, baka end of the year pa. ang ideal minds palaging sinasabi na tumawag na lang ulit. kaya humingi na ako ng tulong sa kakilala ng nanay ko. syempre, nahiya ako.

kaya tinext ako ng nanay ko at sinabi niya sa akin: don't be dyahe.

she who was graced on april 3, 2005

Death-wishing

i can't believe it's friday, already. i can't believe it's friday and i still haven't finished my papers. i can't believe it's friday and that my film 171 papers are due and i still can't decide if i should critique spanglish from a marxist or feminist point of view and so far, all i've written is the synopsis.

the clock is ticking. i'm desperately cramming. and i'm writing this because i just ran out of things to say. my head is aching and i lack sleep.

maybe this is what freud meant when he said that we all have an unconscious death instinct.

she who was bitter on april 1, 2005

Ang Epekto ng Psychoanalysis sa Buhay ni Juliet (at sa buhay ko na rin)

i spent the whole night with my ear stuck to a tape recorder, trying to transcribe my interview with Jeffrey Jeturian, which I feel was a disaster. I was nervous of course, and i think i muddled it all. narealize ko nung pauwi na ako na may nakalimutan ako tanungin sa kanya (tungkol sa portrayal niya of gay characters at sa lack ng concrete resolution ng mga films niya) my only consolation is that Jeffrey Jeturian is very kind and also a bit shy so i hope he can relate.

on a good note, i'm finally satisfied with my psychoanalytic reading of the phantom of the opera.(yay!) now all i have to do is a feminist (or maybe marxist) reading of spanglish and analyze the cinematographic language of Jeffrey Jeturian's films.

[i tried to type is and ended up typing es first and then id and i suddenly thought of freud and what he would think of that. too much psychoanalyzing has gone to my head.]

oh other, other wherefore art thou, other? deny thy father and refuse thy name [and all other signifiers of a patriarchal society] or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my object of fantasy and i'll no longer be a construction of your voyeuristic gaze...

haha, i'm not even sure if that makes sense.

~~~

when all this drama is over, i'll return to my old life: sleeping, eating, reading and watching movies with schoolwork somewhere in between. oh wait, that's like my life right now, minus the sleeping. yay.

she who was bitter on march 31, 2005

Pangs of Disillusionment

"i was looking for another you"
stupid on his behavior after our friendship soured

deo: nagpalit ba ng number si a----? hindi na siya narereply...
me: oo nga raw. pag nakita ko siya, tatanungin ko.

as if. i see stupid only once a year and that's christmastime when he hands me a christmas/birthday gift without saying a word (except maybe happy birthday) what disturbs me is that he never gives his other friends gifts like that which means that either i'm still special to him or that he's still feeling guilty. i could never ask him though. i wouldn't know what to say anymore and vice versa.

by the way , stupid's not really stupid. he's actually very intelligent and a consistent dean's lister in admu. he just has no idea how to deal with me.

~~~

yesterday, i was slightly happy and excited. today, i am slightly disillusioned. i suddenly remembered why i don't have crushes on "real" people. it's fun to look forward to something everyday but it also hurts. i wish there was a way to stop the heart from hoping. it's not the act of loving that hurts, but the act of hoping. because then love desires a love returned. and love is not always returned. at least in my case.

~~~

i changed my mind. i do care about my grade.

i don't know. maybe i'm just not meant to be a documentary filmmaker. or maybe this just wasn't my semester. but i could have done better.

~~~

every time i think that i finally understand psychoanalysis, i realize that i don't. (sir tiongson, can i steal your brain for a moment? please!)

she who was bitter on march 30, 2005

Rebel With a Yet Unknown Cause

it's 4 am. i wanted to wake up at 1 so that i can start doing the many things i have to do but didn't do during the holy week. so now i'm trying to reedit our docu (hello, kizay...hinintay kita kagabi pero di ka dumating...kung nag-text ka, namatay nanaman phone ko...) but the stupid adobe premiere pro won't ripple delete and i have to manually move the damn video clips.

~~~

what has happened to me? i never used to be like this. i'm the geek who likes school. now all i want to do is sleep...

~~~

spent the half day at work staring at my cellphone because i finally contacted jeffrey jeturian and asked for an interview for my film 171 theory paper. now i have to really meet him and interview him. at least it will get some questions answered but now i have to look for my tape recorder and its somewhere in the house but just looking around makes me tired...

~~~

it's too darn hot.

~~~

finally downloaded the world bank contest rules for my comm 141 class. have to finish that damn paper so that i can cross that damn subject off my list. also this ugly, ugly documentary. but i've reached the point where i don't care what grade sir jamon gives me just as long as i pass. and then i have to analyze the phantom of the opera using lacan's psychoanalytic theory (help!), look for another film to analyze because i don't want to do another feminist reading of million dollar baby or do any sort of analyzing on the aviator because it's just too long and finalize the concept and themes that i think emerge in jeffrey jeturian's films. after all that, i can finally study for my comm 120 class.

~~~

i'm not sure if i believe anymore. in what i'm doing. in what my father tells me. in everything and anything. as discussed in ihearthuckabees, is life meaningless? or are we all connected?

~~~

forgive my english. i'm still half-asleep.

she who was bitter on march 29, 2005

On Love and Other Difficulties, Part Three*

*dahil kagigising ko lang at wala akong maisip na title

hindi ako makatulog kagabi dahil may iniisip ako. for my own peace of mind, aaminin ko na rin. pero mamaya na.

~~~

sa psych 101 class namin, pinagaralan namin ang reasons for attraction. ito ay similarity, proximity and physical attractiveness. tinanong sa amin kung ano mas importante. sabi nya, ayaw daw aminin ng mga babae na importante ang physical attractiveness. napaka-hypocritical ko naman kung sasabihin ko hindi yun importante. (enter orli, gerard, colin, clive and billy) mahalaga ba ang proximity? hindi naman masyado pero sana nasa parehong lugar kayo para may kilig moments naman. (exit orli, gerard, colin, clive and billy) kaya't sinabi ko similarity kasi i'd like someone who would be able to share my interests.

~~~

what i really find attractive: intelligence. this is what first draws me to a person. kaya nga crush na crush ko yung english teacher ko noon dahil iba ang brain niya sa mga normal na tao. anyway, marami namang types of intelligence. dapat may semblace siya nito kahit na lahat ng lalaki ay may innate stupidity. (tama na nep, alam ko magoobject ka. pero hindi mo nakikita dahil lalaki ka)

ang physically attractive naman sa akin: a person's smile and eyes. I first notice the smile and then the eyes. dapat umaabot sa mata niya ang smile niya. hindi naman kailangan masyado siyang matangkad. basta mas matangkad siya sa akin. sana rin, maganda ang collarbones niya. but i can reserve my collarbone fantasies to orlando bloom.

lastly, gusto ko na mas matanda sa akin. hindi talaga ako papatol ng mas bata.

~~~

icang, may kasalanan ako sa 'yo. ayoko lang kasi aminin noon kasi baka lokohin ako to death (tignan mo nangyari kay es-nina). anyway, aaminin ko na lang ngayon. tama ang hinala mo. ang crush ko ay si... kaya shh! secret muna natin.

~~~

halos wala akong tulog kagabi pero masaya ako. hindi totally masaya pero masaya na rin. nalilito na ba kayo? ok, aaminin ko na kung bakit. pero hindi ako in love. in crush lang. bukas, iba na ang topic. i swear.

she who was graced on march 28, 2005

On Love and Other Difficulties, Part Two*

*or being in denial

ayokong aminin pero may nangyayari sa akin na alam ko ang ibig sabihin. hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako o maiinis. basta yun na yun

~~~

maraming kailangan tapusin: ang final paper at take home exam ko para sa film 171, ang final paper ko sa comm 141, ang documentary film namin ni kz na wala ako sa mood gawin, ang pagaaral para sa final exam ko sa comm 120 at ang pagasikaso sa aking internship. pero eto ako ngayon, sinusulat ito habang nanonood ng survivor: palau.

~~~

may kanina pang tumatawag tapos binababa ang phone kaagad. sana naman may gawin siyang heavy breathing or something para maiba naman. naalala ko tuloy ang episode ng Gilmore Girls kung saan tinatawagan nila ang kanilang mga crush at binababa kaagad ang phone. (in truth, ginagawa ko rin yan noon at naging accomplice na rin sa pagtawag ng friend ko sa crush naming english teacher dito sa UP.) nagkatotoo na ba ang horoscope ni ilaya? may nagmamahal na ba sa akin? abangan...

~~~

last words: kumusta na ang tagalog ko? ginagawa ko dahil nahihiya na ako. biruin nyo, di ko alam ang meaning ng humaharurot, matulin at singkamas? (at di ko rin alam kung tama ba ang spelling ng mga yan) parang di ako Pinoy.

she who was bitter on march 27, 2005

On Love and Other Difficulties*

*maraming salamat kay Rainer Maria Rilke para sa title at kay ilaya para sa tanong

ano nga ba mas gusto mong marinig: I LOVE you or I love YOU?

ang sabi ko kay ilaya, mas gusto ko ang I love YOU dahil at least, alam ko na ako ang mahal niya. marami kasing bagay na pwedeng mahalin at nawala na ang kahulugan ng salitang "love."

ano ba talaga ang love? naisip ko rin recently na ang love ay isang invention ng religion para magkaroon tayo ng moralidad. after all, kung mahal mo nga ang isang tao, hindi mo siya gagaguhin o sasaktan. kung mahal mo ang isang tao, makokontento ka sa pagmamahal na iyon at hindi mo na iisipin ang sarili mo.

nagpapamartyr lang tayong lahat para sa pag-ibig. at namasaya tayo dahil kung nagpapamartyr tayo, alam natin na mahal na mahal natin ang taong yun kaya justified and ating katangahan.

dalawang beses pa lang ako sinabihan ng "I love you" at dalawang tao pa lang din ang nasabihan ko ng "I love you." (of course, hindi kasama dito ang "i love you" na galing o bigay sa parents, sa kapatid o kung sino man na may blood relation sa akin. hindi rin kasama dito ang mga pa-joke na pagsabi o ang "love you, [name]!". ang ibig sabihin ko ay ang buong-buo pagsabi ng "I love you" na pwede bilang isang kaibigan o ka-ibigan.)

sa unang tao na nag-"I love you" sa akin ang aking kaibigan na si mikel noong high school class retreat namin. naalala ko ang gulat ko dahil hindi ko talaga ineexpect na gagawin niya yun. hindi ko maalala kung nag-"i love you" rin ako sa kanya.

ang unang tao na sinabihan ko ng "I love you..." si stupid. (kilala nyo na kung sino siya at kung hindi pa, useless na.) pero sinabi ko rin sa kanya na hindi ko hinihingi na mahalin niya rin ako at hindi na niya kailangan ma-guilty pa dahil minahal ko siya. (yuck, drama) anyway, moving on, hindi niya ako sinabihan ng "I love you" (iba ang sinabi niya at ibang kwento na yun) at kahit hinintay ko pa siya ng ilang taon, never niya sinabi sa akin. (naiintindihan nyo na ba ang sinasabi kong katangahan?)

ang unang tao na sinabi sa akin at sinabihan ko rin ng "I love you" ay ang isa ko pang kaibigan na si ES. actually, sinulat lang niya ito sa blog niya dahil hindi daw niya masabi ito sa harapan ko dahil sa aking aura.

dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito, may narealize ako.

narealize ko na may awkwardness lagi sa pagsabi sa akin o sa pagsabi ko sa iba ng "I love you." narealize ko na lagi akong nahihirapan sabihin ito kahit na sa parents o sa kapatid ko o sa mga kaibigan ko. hindi ko alam kung dahil ba talaga ito sa aura ko o dahil sa character ko. inaadmit ko naman. hindi ako yung tao na nagiging close sa ibang tao. mas comfortable ako pag sarili ko ang kasama ko.

narealize ko rin na hindi ko alam kung paano magmahal.

love is not just a word. maraming expectations na kasama sa pagmamahal. at masyado akong selfish para i-fulfill ito. pero love is just a word dahil wala nang nakakaintindi kung ano ba talaga ito.

narealize ko na hindi ko na alam kung gusto ko ba talaga magmahal.

wala talagang conclusion ang essay na ito. gusto ko lang isulat. basta yun na yun.

she who was bitter on march 26, 2005.