i live
because it's expected of me

i dream
because it comes easily

i sing
because it fills the silence

i write
because i desire permanence

i love
because

i am.

Bittergrace

duin galad firnelin, im echuirathon.

Reprise
oraearon 30.norui.05 1.50pm laer

I feel so much better now. I'll try not to let it bother me anymore. Instead, I'll focus on happier things. Like that fact that these problems have only made us stronger and more determined to prove ourselves.

I have also been touring a group of Korean students for example. They're studying here in the Philippines for a year and we [most members of my organization] were lucky enough to meet all of them. We spent the last few days hanging out and it had been so fun. I've been learning a few Korean Phrases and teaching them a few Filipino phrases and just helping out whenever it is possible to help out. I think they were a bit taken aback by our 'kindness' but i won't really call it that because we have our own hidden agendas. I'll talk about it more some other time.

~~~

We watched Disney's Beauty and the Beast yesterday in our Film and Literature class and it surprised me how cynical we were all becoming. I wish we could rewind back to the time when we believed in fairy tales. I still do, a little. At least I hope I do. But I think I'm too old to believe in happily-ever-afters now.

~~~

Who am I kidding? I'm still really not in the mood to write properly. But I promise I will tomorrow. I have a lot of ideas I just haven't started writing yet because of my bad mood.

~~~

On other things, I think I misused the term 'venus hum' yesterday because the venus hum or the venous hum is a rare condition where a person can hear his own heart beating. but I swear I heard the Venus Hum [band] define the condition as the ringing in a person's ears. Anyway...

~~~

I'd also like to say that the periods are periods even if they look like commas. or am i the only onewho thinks they look like commas?

---

Once More in A-Flat
orithil.29.norui.05 10.29am laer

or that note you hear in a venus hum...

(And if you don't know what a venus hum is, have you ever heard of research?)

&*@! it, I'm pissed. I don't know why but I'm always pissed lately. And though my friends will say that this is just my infamous temper, it's more than that. I am really, absolutely, positively pissed. i'm so pissed, i'm hearing the ringing in my ears again. (and yes, for those too lazy to research, that's what a venus hum is.)

Sometimes I just want to scream.

At them.

Or at nobody in particular.

But mostly at them.

And it's more than just the promises they broke or the headaches they have caused. It's the friendship among us that they are slowly but surely destroying. I don't think that anyone of us will be able to salvage it, even if we want to. Greedy asses.

If only they had a small sense of decency. but i'm realizing that they don't. it saddens me. it angers me more but it saddens me also.

And I'm sorry for ranting yet again because I'm supposed to be writing more essay-like entries for my creative writing class but I really can't think clearly enough to write a logical essay.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself...Everybody's Free by Baz Lhurmann

---

The People I Want to Meet
oraearon 23.norui.05 4.16pm laer

well, some of them are kinda dead or really, really old and most of them are far, far away but here they are anyway...

1 frederic chopin - because ever since i listened to fantasie impromptu, i loved his work. there's something melancholy about him. and for the same reason, i want to meet sergei rachmaninov also. but chopin was my first idol and will always remain my idol.

2 ayn rand - well, because she's my namesake and i think she's one hell of a woman, philosopher and individualist (though sometimes i don't agree with her philosophies, especially because she's very much a capitalist)

3 francois truffaut - because i also fell in love with him and his works (thanks to dean nicanor tiongson) even though he's beliefs are opposite those of ayn rand (he believes that identity is found in individual relationships and not through individual accomplishments. i still don't know with whom i agree more.)

4 rainer maria rilke - because he understands a lot of things and i want to ask him how he came to have such a beautiful understanding of life and solitude.

5 jessica zafra - because i think she kicks ass

6 quentin tarantino and sofia coppola - because they also kick-ass and i hope that their first child inherits their genius

7 orlando bloom - because he's cute. haha...wala lang...but really...

8 katharine hepburn - because they say it's an experience to meet her and i wanted to experience that

9 nicole kidman - because she's pretty. and such a great, great actress

10 michel legrand - because he's a great songwriter and composer and every tune he makes gives me goosebumps

i would have put lea salonga but i remember i met her already, thanks to mimay. and of course, neil gaiman's on that list. i'll probably be tongue-tied when i meet him and i probably won't be able to say anything interesting but just to see him will be an honor. haay, neil gaiman. can we, like, swap brains for three seconds? or more? i want to know how he gets those ideas of his...

for other people and works i admire, visit the ravings page.

~~~

by the way, i finally got to post something at neil gaiman's journal. i was so happy, i was giggling the whole night.

~~~

magnolia is fastly becoming one of my favorite movies even if i still don't understand most of it. anyway, here's a song from it that i really love. (actually, i love all the songs in the film but this is one of the best)

Wise Up
Aimee Mann

Is love what you thought
When you first began, yeah
You got what you want
But you can hardly stand it thought
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
Till You wise up

You sure there's a cure
And you finally found it
You think, one drink
Will shrink you till
You're underground and living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
Till you wise up

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
Coz it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
Till you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
Till you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
So just give up

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

Calling All Neil Gaiman Stalkers!
orbelain 16.norui.05 7.15pm laer

i stepped into my creative writing class with something that could almost be called fear. after all, I hadn't been in a class like that since i was a freshman and i always hated it when it was my turn to be critiqued because i got so nervous.

anyway.

i spent the next few moments half-afraid and half-annoyed. afraid because i made a boo-boo (which i won't discuss anymore because it wasn't really as bad as i thought it was) and annoyued because some kind of construction was going on and we couldn't hear each other properly.

then my creative writing professor said something like "neil gaiman is a god! don't try to contact me on July 9,10 or 11 because i'll be busy stalking him."

well, apparently, i'm not the only one who jokes about that. it was getting kind of lonely in maskom being the only one vocal about my love for neil gaiman. i only hope i have enough time to literally stalk him. truth is, i'll cut class for neil gaiman. i'll forget all my duties as president of my org for neil gaiman. i adore him. i worship him. i would like to BE him if that were possible.

i left the class giddy as hell and i haven't been giddy since about a year ago when i unexpectedly saw a former crush.

i just can't wait till july. until then, i'll be practically gushing and drooling. don't mind me.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

Rant
oraearon 15.norui.05 9.26pm laer

so my friends were sitting in their class when some stupid moron (excuse the redundancy) decides to badmouth our organization, not to mention other organizations in the college of mass communication not realizing that some people sitting beside him were members of those organizations. as i said, stupid moron.

i don't understand why some orgs rely on the individual achievements of their members rather than their accomplishments as a collective. yes, we may be barely two years old but we have done more in that one year and 4 months than most. at least we were brave enough to pioneer something meaningful unlike some who like to hide behind established names.

to that stupid moron, all i can say is watch your back.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

Kumusta Naman ang 48 hours na Walang Tulog?
orithil 06.norui.05 2.03pm

dahil sa katangahan ay nawala ko ang aking wallet. nakakainis. kailangan ko tuloy ng bagong UP id. at nagkulang tuloy ang pera ko para i-claim ang mga librong na-bid ko sa avalon.ph...haay.

~~~

tuloy na tuloy ang pagpunta ni neil gaiman sa pilipinas. pero kailangan ko bumili ng mga libro sa fully booked para magkaroon ng book signing pass. buti nalang, di ko pa nakukumpleto ang collection ko. tapos may raffle at may chance pa to have dinner with the guy himself. woohoo!

~~~

tinawagan ako ng OutofTheBox nung thursday, tinatanong kung pwede ba ako maging continuity girl sa ginagawa nilang 2 short films. siyempre, pumayag naman ako. sayang naman ang experience.

kaya yun, wala tuloy akong tulog the whole weekend. kasi naman yung first film dapat nag-start ang shoot at 5pm but no. nag-start siya ng mga 8pm na kaya yun, mga 7am na kami natapos. dapat umuwi ako afterwards to shower and change but since 8am ang call time ko for the next film, di na ako umuwi at natulog na lang ako sa office.

enjoy naman ang shoot namin. medyo nagulat lang ako sa director dahil philosophy graduate siya ng ateneo pero di niya kilala si ayn rand. buti pa si lyle sacris, kilala siya kahit di ko sinabi na i was named after her.

anyway, pagdating ko sa next location, mukha ata akong bangag kaya pinabantay muna ako ng gamit para makapagpahinga ako. tapos back to work again. mga 1am naman kami natapos.

pero okay lang ang walang tulog, at least may pera na akong pambili ng libro.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

The Horror! The Horror!
orgaladhad 25.lothron.05 7.53pm laer

"Is that his foot?" i asked my sister. i had just plopped into my seat in the theater when i realized that something felt fishy.

"Yes." She whispered back.

"Is that his naked foot?" i asked again.

And i thought i was only going to deal with the normal movie theater horrors like people who come in late, children who can't behave, seatmates with groping hands or idiots who don't know how to put their cellphones in silent mode...

Gross.

~~~

My sister and i were browsing the children's section when she pulled out Shel something-or-other's (i think it was Silverstein but i'm not sure) The Missing Piece. i think everyone's familiar with that story: a triangle thinks it's incomplete and it meets a pacman-shaped thing and tries to fit into it. anyway, it doesn't. but it manages to roll around and become a circle.

"It has a good lesson." My sister said.

"What? That we all have to be circles?" I replied.

"No." She says, totally missing the point. "That we don't need anyone but ourselves to be complete."

"But it's implying that to be complete is to be a circle."

She started walking away.

"I mean, what will all the squares say?"

She continued to ignore me.

"And what's wrong with being a triangle anyway?"

I don't think she heard me anymore.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

Interlude
oranor 15.lothron.05 7.07pm laer

I do what many dream of, all their lives,
--Dream? strive to do, and agonize to do,
And fail in doing.
robert browning, "Andrea del Sarto"

...love lost is a special kind of failure....It's a reminder that some consummations, no matter how devoutly wished for, never come; that some apes will never be men, not in all the world's ages. --- ian caldwell and dustin thomason, "The Rule of Four"

Man has been called a rational being, but rationality is a matter of choice - and the alternative his nature offers him is: rational being or suicidal animal. Man has to be man - by choice; he has to hold his life as a value - by choice; he has to learn to sustain it - by choice; he has to discover the values it requires and practice his virtues - by choice. --- ayn rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

All About Louis
ormenel 11.lothron.05 7.07pm laer

pagbigyan nyo na ako at medyo si louis jourdan ang aking crush-of-the-moment. hehe.

here is a list of some movies na i watched of his:

the swan (1956) - the very first louis jourdan film i watched though i didn't really realize it until now. a princess (grace kelly) has to choose between the suitable prince (alec guinness) and her handsome young tutor (louis jourdan). directed by charles vidor.

gigi (1958) - definitely my favorite louis jourdan film which also managed to win a surprise academy award for best picture. it's based on the french novel gigi, written by colette. here, gaston lachaille (louis jourdan), a bored rich playboy and courtesan-in-training gigi (leslie caron) share a platonic friendship until it becomes not-so-platonic and gaston decides to be gigi's first protector. but is it enough for her? or, more importantly, is it enough for him? directed by vincent minelli with songs by alan jay lerner and frederic loewe (who also wrote the songs in my fair lady.)

letter from an unknown woman (1948) - this is okay, if you're going for the melodramatic. a young girl (joan fontaine) falls in love with her mysterious neighbor, pianist stefan brand (louis jourdan) and falls in love forever even though he never remembers her. directed by max ophuls.

three coins in the fountain (1954) - this one you watch if you're a louis jourdan fanatic like me. otherwise, it's forgettable. three working girls in rome make a wish in the famous fountain for romance. in maria's (maggie mcnamara) case, she never expects to be swept away by a real live italian prince (louis jourdan). directed by jean negulesco.

the paradine case (1947) - louis jourdan is not really the star here but he's cute anyway. (it's his first role in an american film). a lawyer (gregory peck) falls unfortunately in love with the mysterious woman (valli) he's defending from murder. it's unfortunate because he's already married (ann todd) and because the woman is in love with someone else (louis jourdan). directed by alfred hitchcock.

if you guys become interested in any of these movies, i have a vcd copy of gigi and a pirated dvd copy of letter from an unknown woman. the rest can be found in video48. but i think there are also vcd copies of the swan available in stores already.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

Ayan, 'di ko na Nakalimutan ang Title
orgaladhad 10.lothron.05 5.16pm laer

haay, pinanood ko ulit ang gigi dahil napakaseryoso pala ng mga hiniram ko sa video48 at wala ako sa mood maging seryoso. and anyway, louis jourdan is really, totally adorable.

~~~

nilalagnat ako kahapon dahil sa sobrang pagod. nakakainis pa dahil nagbrownout dito nung mg 11pm at hindi ako nakakatulog pag mainit. pero dahil may sakit ako, sinubukan ko. dapat hindi na ako papasok kaya lang, hindi ko na-take ang init kaya yun, pumunta na lang ako ng maaga sa gma para at least may aircon.

pina-type ako ng rtx or yung slug na nagccrawl sa ilalim ng screen. siyempre kinabahan ako dahil bawal magkamali. anyway, nag-survive naman ako, kahit ilang beses ko siya chineck habang nagmomonitor.

wala si sweet hamon since monday. ano kaya nangyari dun?

~~~

i can't believe na tataas nanaman ang pasahe. (okay, i can believe it, but i don't want to.) nung freshie ako, P5 lang ang fare papuntang philcoa. ngayon magiging P10 na! which means, i'll be spending about P50 a day in transportation (ikot/toki not counted.)

tapos, bubuwagin din nila ang mmda. hindi ko alam kung bakit galit ang mga tao kay bayani fernando. at least may ginagawa siyang mabuti (though i really don't agree with the pink-blue color scheme.)

~~~

bumili pala ang nanay ko ng music box na pineplay ang phantom of the opera/music of the night/all i ask of you. ang ganda! sayanag, inuwi na niya sa davao. nandito na rin pala ang cd ng original phantom of the opera. kaya yung mga magpapakopya, sabihin niyo na.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

Title
oranor 08.lothron.05 7.30pm laer

first things first. just watched saved! and it's a really good movie. one of the best teen films ever.

also watched alfred hitchcock's the paradine case well, basically because it's louis jourdan's first movie and i've loved him ever since i saw gigi. it was okay. but vertigo's still my favorite.

also found a copy of francois truffaut's the soft skin in video48. can't wait to watch it.

~~~

i'm not good with children, i admit it. i have no idea what to do with them, especially when they cry. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i'll be a bad mother. oh well.

my cousin is really, really obnoxious and she's just six years old. she's annoyed me to hell and actually tried to pick a fight with my sister over the spanish translation of the number 14. (she says her uncle says it's squatro or something like that) since my sister's taking spanish, she took out a dictionary and said it was quatorse. my cousin insisted that she was right and my sister tried to show her the dictionary. the kid didn't like that and she screamed that her uncle didn't need a stupid dictionary to know the answer. my sister then tried to explain that she was still learning and that's why she needs a dictionary.

then my little six year old cousin decided to have a contest. she asked my sister to count to 100 in spanish. i was extremely annoyed then and told her i'd count to 100 in elvish (which i can't do, of course) if she'd count to 100 in chinese first. of course she couldn't do it and i hoped that she would shut up but she didn't. she still continued to annoy us until we all just ignored her.

poor kid. i asked my mom if it was normal and she said it was, especially with spoiled rich girls. my cousin, apparently, doesn't have any friends in school. it's easy to see why. as my sister says, there's a subtle way of being mayabang.

i know i have pride. i know that i can be arrogant and i know that sometimes, i hurt people. to them and to those before, i am really, truly sorry. and if ever i get so irritating, please tell me. i'll get hurt but i won't hate you. i know my faults and i try my best to not be self-delusional.

back to my cousin, i don't want what happened to me to happen to her. but you can't exactly tell a six year old to stop doing that or else she'll end up being lonely for the rest of her life. but i pity the future she might face if she continues.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

Gone Awry
orgilion 07.lothron.05 3.40pm laer

may virus na palaging sumusulpot sa computer ko. naiinis na nga ako. ilang araw ko na siya dinedelete using norton. ang kulit.

~~~

napanood ko na nga pala ang kingdom of heaven (ako pa!) in fairness, hindi na masyado kasuka-suka ang acting ni orli, my love. natawa lang ako sa isang part dahil parang nasa ibang lugar ang nipple niya. is it possible na na-move siya dahil nagpa-macho siya? nakita ko na kasi siya shirtless before at nasa tamang lugar naman ang lahat.

i liked it. at hindi lang dahil kay orli. sana lang, wala na yung battle speech.

~~~

feel ko na hindi ko nakuha ang best internship experience dahil wala ako halos ginawa kundi mag-observe. natatakot na nga ako dahil malapit na ang thesis at hindi ako masyado confident sa sarili ko bilang isang filmmaker. ang lakas pa ng loob ko na mag-solo. wala pa rin akong naiisip na concept na talagang gusto ko. huhu. minsan iniisip ko na sana nag-music na lang ako.

~~~

abs-cbn must really be desperate kasi irereplay nila ang meteor garden sa dati niyang timeslot. at sweet 18 ang kalaban niya sa gma. haay. feeling ko, matatalo nanaman ang abs-cbn.

~~~

nakita ko na rin ang poster ng sin city. excited na ako. nakakainis lang dahil may typo. clive owens?!

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

Wrong Numbers
orbelain 06.lothron.05 8.00pm laer

ilang tao ang tinawagan ko sa cellphone kahapon only to find out na hindi na nila number yun. diba ang saya? nagsayang pa ako ng load.

~~~

tried to burn myself a copy of turn left, turn right but apparently the disc is copy-protected. ngayon lang ako nakakita ng pirated dvd na copyrighted. isn't it ironic? don't you think?

~~~

napanood ko kanina sa unang hirit ang trailer ng chronicles of narnia: the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. kaya lang na-disappoint ako nung nakita ko na hindi na si nicole kidman ang white witch. gusto ko pa naman siya makita bilang isang contrabida. oh well, aabangan ko parin siya.

may isang earlier movie version ang book na yun na napanood ko. kaya lang, binigay ng tatay ko ang kopya namin sa isang christian tv station sa davao. inis na inis kami ng sister ko dahil ang ganda din nun. anyway, ilalagay ko na lang siya sa list of dvds to find and buy. kasama na dun ang turn left, turn right at ang the last unicorn.

nainis lang ako dahil may nagcomment na ang pangit ng title. tapos n.r. lang din ang mga co-interns ko. honestly. what did you read when you were children? alam niyo ba na ito yung harry potter of that time?

nagtataka lang ako kung bakit hindi nila sinimulan yung mga movies from the first book.

speaking of children's books, sana gawin din nilang movie ang anne of green gables. wala lang.

~~~

and speaking of unang hirit, natawa ako kanina dahil naghover kami sa may buffet pagkatapos ng show. finally, naawa si sir jamon at sinabihan yung in charge na bigyan kami ng pagkain. pero wala din kaming naabutan kundi puto at juice.

nakadekwat rin kami ng mga flowers sa set. kaya yun. may white, yellow, orange and pink roses kami ngayon sa bahay.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.

---

The Late Edition
ormenel 05.lothron.05 2.45pm laer

i was supposed to post sooner but exhaustion (or laziness) got the better of me. as you can see, i'm going back to my purple roots and trying to re-learn elvish.

yung isang co-intern ko sa unang hirit said na hindi siya nanood ng lord of the rings dahil isa daw itong fad at ayaw niya ng mga fad. mas type daw niya ang indie films. i think that's a very pompous and pretentious statement. star wars became a fad. the godfather became a fad. and they were both very good films. i don't like people acting artsy fartsy. commercial films can be good too.

~~~

haay, kasama ko ngayon ang aking mga makukulit na pinsan. the eldest keeps boasting that she's been to hong kong 5 times, not to mention thailand. the youngest keeps babbling things i can't understand. basically, i'm trying my best not to scream. cute sila pero i wish they would leave me alone.

~~~

i can't believe na it's tom cruise and katie holmes na. or that cameron diaz and justin timberlake are getting married. not that i have anything against them (well, maybe something against tom cruise because he let go of nicole kidman) but i just don't like them as couples.

~~~

he's really coming! i can't believe it! neil gaiman is coming to the philippines and i can finally get to see him in person and get my books signed. wahoo!

~~~

i'm annoyed. i'm very annoyed.

tennoio, eruanna hallaquare.