Sept. 3 / 05
During the course of my life, I never touched cigarettes, booze or drugs, nor went near pre-marital sex... and I'm careful to give all praise and thanks to the Lord for this. However, two of the greatest areas I struggled with in my life, were in the areas of rejection and my self-esteem. Growing up, I didn't seem to have many close friends (especially in my teenage years) and found it hard to fit in and be accepted. Although I was often hyper and out-going in public, when I was alone, I constantly struggled with depression. Every time I felt I was rejected by somebody or had a hard time fitting in, I figured it was because there was something wrong with me or that I had done something wrong. I constantly struggled to understand what was so different about me that it was so hard to fit in with others my age. Therefore, throughout the years, I became very insecure and hard on myself, and constantly struggled with depression. Instead of looking at what I was doing right, I began to continually concentrate on my failures. This habit continued right up into my adult years.
For many years I never really found a church that talked about such issues. Therefore, I just accepted them as a normal part of life. Most Christians in the church always seemed to talk about what God had delivered them from, but not what God was presently helping them work through. Therefore, throughout the years, my perception of a "mature" Christian became one of "having it altogether"...which in turn caused me to bottle up my emotions and put on a mask.
In 1995, God began the process of disarming that lie through the pastoral leadership of my church at the time. They helped me start to see my need to face certain issues in my life for healing, as well as for growth. Although this process only began in 1995, I still struggled with feeling safe to fully open up my heart. However, in September of 1996, (after my pastors at that time moved to the USA) I gradually became involved with Harvest House Ministries. It was through this ministry that I began to walk into a deeper area of opening up who I was. I also began to learn how to break down the walls around my heart to face certain issues in my life for healing as well as for growth ...which was not only needed in my relationship with the Lord, but also in my relationships with others as well. I found people that walked me through my issues and my pain and did not think less of me in spite of my failures. I also found I wasn't alone in my need to express how I felt; nor was I considered one "weak in faith" when I expressed the amount of hurt I kept inside. Those lies I had fabricated in my head for so many years had kept me bound for way too long! I also began to see more clearly that every Christian, mature or not, has issues they struggle with, or areas where they need healing...whether or not they talk about it or admit it. But most importantly, I found people who loved me just for who I was "with all my baggage". This was the medicine that I needed in order for my healing to begin at a deeper level. It's taken many years for me to get to the place I am now, and of course I still need a lot of work, but God has done a great work in my life nonetheless.
I want to thank the Lord Jesus Christ for being there throughout my life and for placing certain people around me to teach, mentor and love me for me throughout the years...as well as through some of the darkest and lonliest times of my life. I also thank Him for helping me learn how to be more open and down-to-earth with people, which was not always so easy for me.
The Bible says in James 5:16 to...
"Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another that you may be healed." - -I believe this is one of the first steps towards healing.
Sincerely,
Michelle L. LeBlanc
