We haven’t had sex in weeks, maybe even a month.

And I’m sitting here, a hand down my pants, Johnny Depp naked in my mind, his name burning on my tongue.

“Sh... Sh,” I pant, my body on fire, sapphire scalding my skin slowly, pleasure before pain and I groan deep when I come, jizz lukewarm on my naked chest, heaving along with my front.

“Oh god,” I swallow loudly, my groin still tingling, still ready and it’s not much of a surprise. This was just an excuse. A poor excuse of a climax, nothing to come of it because it’s not him. It’s not him licking at my neck, the tip of his tongue magical as it made my insides cream. It wasn’t his hand, rough skin tight around me, beautiful and fancy in his strokes. It’s not him against me when I’m in limbo, when I’m on the brink of sanity, when everything is just as insignificant as bread in a box, when I need him deep in my soul, living with his touch.

Instead, he’s out and I’m here, come sticky on my chest but my arms too tired to clean myself up. Never mind the fact that I’m in a chair, my cock limp. But want was still pooling in my veins, and soon enough I knew I’d go crazy, my blood clotting with lust until I got what I needed:

Him.

-*-

I know this isn’t good for me, I say to myself as I sit here, eyes blurry with... something. I’m not quite sure yet. I just know it’s not tears. Never’ll be tears. Not for him.

“Damn, Justin,” I hear and I close my eyes, preparing myself. I sit in the chair, and it smells dirty to me. And probably only to me because I’m the only one who knows, the only one who cares.

“Shit,” he says and I have to smile. I didn’t even hear the door open and when I look at him, I vibrate, my body becoming hollow and vulnerable to these feelings. “You scared me. What’re you doing?”

I don’t ask him where he’s been nor do I ask him if he remembered that he was supposed to take me out tonight. Because he told me in the beginning. This wasn’t a love thing. So don’t go on falling... Of course, I laughed at the time because it was him quoting Pink. And plus, I like that song.

He liked everyone. And everyone loved him. Wasn’t complicated, and he liked it that way. I just hated that I didn’t.

It was killing me slowly, and definitely not softly. I resented it, I hated that every time we touched, I felt things I wasn’t supposed to feel. Things that I wanted to cling on like a newborn clutching his mother’s breast.

“Hey,” he damn near purred into my ear and I sighed, annoyed, or hoping to sound so, but he didn’t catch on and his lips were still silky smooth as he kissed my cheek, a blow of air raising goose bumps upon my body. My skin ached in anticipation, my whole being hurting as those lips slipped ghostly across my cheek.

I took in a shaky breath, my lashes falling to kiss my cheeks, grimacing as his tongue lapped at my earlobe, the slow languid twist of it too much for me as I start breathing hard, my chest aching with want–

And suddenly, Maxwell popped into my head, on the tip of my tongue but he kisses that spot behind my ear and right then and there, I can’t handle it, my body arching with grace as tears burn my eyes.

I wanna say it now, tell him how I feel and how I need to leave; instead I’m singing into Justin’s mouth as he covers mine with chapped lips, powerful in their intent to hide the rest of the iceberg.

Maxwell seeps onto his tongue and I hope he can feel the melody.

Ever since the way you looked at me
Love is not a want
Love is now a need

-*-

I hear him talking to someone on the phone, some girl because I can kinda hear her voice. I wonder if I’m ever that damn loud.

I turn over and press against him, my eyes opening as his heat slips into mine. It’s gorgeous, the feeling it gives me. God, I love–

“Baby, not now. You know I got PR and shit today– And you would know?” he laughed and he sounded so happy and when I slipped away, I told myself... warned myself...

But it was all shot to hell because he had his arms around my waist, his big hands splayed over me, one on my chest, a finger teasingly grazing a nipple, the other below my belly. And it wasn’t going any further than dirty words and occasional gropes, not to mention the kisses that made me seize.

Because we haven’t had sex for a while now, maybe even a month.

When he kisses my mouth and I want to marry him for everything he is, I know I’m in trouble.

-*-

Christina knows what I’m going through and I’m singing with her while I’m washing dishes. I know I could be using the expensive ass dishwasher I bought a minute ago but, then again, it’s fun being normal.

“And it hurts my soul, ‘cause I cant let go. All these walls are caving in, I cant stop my suffering. And I hate to show that I lost control, ‘cause I keep going right back, to the one thing that I need...”

He walked in, his pants unbuttoned and his smirk so damn sexy I could feel it in my toes.

“To walk away from,” I whisper as I smile back, a slow nod of my head.

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked so casually I turn back to my dishes, rubbing a sore spot into the crystal, smiling to myself when I feel him near. He stands beside me with a grin and I giggle to myself when I think of it.

“What’d you do today?”

I felt like a housewife; I loved it.

“Nothin’ really. Hung out with Trace. We might go out tonight, wanna come?”

I shake my head, rinsing off the suds and he scoots closer, hoping to persuade me but I hold my ground, raising an eyebrow. Make him feel stupid, always works.

But damn, he’s not easily deterred.

“Come,” he whispers, pulling my belt loops and it happens again, my feelings heavy as that throb starts to spread through my body. The hurt is starting to sear my insides.

I’m wrapped up in his closeness, the mere thought sweeping me up into a fantasy I can’t escape.

He kisses my cheek and starts walking away and I guess I had agreed.

-*-

It shouldn’t hurt this bad, I pant as I watch him walk off with her, his eyes bright and the same way he looks at me.

There’s no difference between us.

And it shouldn’t hurt this bad, I whimper as I cry like a little baby in the bathroom, watching my reflection as I do. My eyes are deep; I’ll admit it. They’re raw and beautiful, girded with pink, crystal blue a little clear against the such color. And my face is pale, a blush on my cheeks vibrant, especially in the light, my tear tracks glossy and almost looking as if glass.

Beautiful and here I was, feeling like shit.

I curl up, backing away as I head into a stall, the knot in my throat tightening, the pain in my stomach tensing as the tears rushed forth, my mouth opening to let a yell and it hurt so bad.

I’m sitting there, crying on a toilet seat, my maimed soul raw with yearning.

This has to end, I think as I take in a shaky breath. This had got to end.

2 >>>
Addicted

* First song by Maxwell, Lovers Only. Second song by Christina Aguilera, Walk Away.