Chapter 7
“You know, you should rip his head off for me.” I said conversationally as Josh and I sat around watching The Usual Suspects. Josh looked at me with a raised eyebrow? “And may I ask as to whom you’re referring to?” he asked, sounding very much like a stuffy British butler. You know, except for the butler has an American accent.
“Nick, of course. Chris and I were talking and we decided that he got off far too easy, and that he needs to be hurt. And I nominate you.”
Josh rolled his eyes. It had been three weeks since the whole Nick debacle and my quick recovery made me realize that I wasn’t nearly as in love with Nick as I had deluded myself into. When I told Josh he said that he wasn’t surprised, seeing that delusion was my favorite state to inhabit. I hit him in the head with the TV Guide. But, my pride was hurt and therefore I wanted to bitch about all the ways I was going to physically hurt him even thought I knew that none of these plans would actually be come to fruition. Thankfully, Josh was familiar with my post-break up ritual.
“I hate to burst your bubble, Justin, but I’m not trying to go to jail for defending your honor. So, no killing of Nick is allowed.”
I pouted. “You’re supposed to spoil me. That means going along with any harebrained schemes that I might think of.”
Josh smirked. “Somehow, I don’t think murder falls under the category of a ‘harebrained scheme’.”
“Well,” I said, not to be deterred, “what about a little torture?”
Josh laughed and then the doorbell rang. Still laughing, Josh got up and answered the door. “Hey, Lance,” he greeted.
“Lance!” I exclaimed. “Tell Josh that murdering someone for me is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.”
Lance grinned. “I don’t think we’d want Josh to go to jail. And I’m pretty sure that he said no, so I’m going to have to agree with him.”
I sighed in mock disappointment. “Lance, you’re supposed to be my friend. Don’t take up for Josh just because he’s a pretty face.”
Josh and I laughed while Lance blushed. Then Josh glanced at his watch and grabbed his jacket. “Well, I’ve got practice, so I’ll see you guys later. Hey, Lance, you staying for dinner tonight? We’re having Chinese.”
Lance nodded. “Sure! Thanks for inviting me, Josh.”
I rolled my eyes. Lance was acting like he just got asked to prom. I mean, he ate with us all the time. What was the big deal now? Josh left and then Lance slid next to me on the couch, grinning like a loon.
“Well, someone’s in a good mood.” I pointed out.
If possible, Lance’s smile got even wider. “Yep. Everything’s falling together. Did I tell you that I got picked for the internship?”
“Really? Congratulations!” Lance had been gushing about this internship at some Fortune 500 company for ages. I only half listened since it sounded boring as hell, but I was happy that Lance had gotten it.
“Yep, and that’s not all. You know, after the AJ thing, I was really depressed about the state of my love life. I mean, I know you kept trying to hook me up, but I just felt undesirable, you know? But not anymore. I found this guy and he’s just perfect for me. He’s intelligent and sweet and absolutely gorgeous and he’s always going out of his way to make me feel comfortable.”
I smiled, happiness for Lance overwhelming me. “Really? He sounds great Lance. If you need my help with anything you know I’ve got you.”
Lance moved so his leg was under his body and he was twisted around to face me. “I was hoping that you would say that, Justin. I need you to help me get with Josh.”
At first, I didn’t quite get it. “Josh who?”
Lance rolled his eyes as if I was the silliest person he had ever met. “Josh Chasez, of course. You know, your roommate?”
I have no words to describe how completely horrible I felt at that moment. It was like everything got smaller and farther away until the only thing that existed was this terrible tight feeling in my chest. This had to be some kind of cosmic joke. Josh and Lance? What the hell?
“You and Josh? What the hell?”
Lance’s face fell. “Well, I thought that…you know…” he began stuttering.
Even though I felt as if I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t like to make Lance feel badly. I started to backtrack. “No, it’s just that…it’s such a surprise, you know? I mean, do you know for sure that he likes you?”
Lance nodded. “I wasn’t sure at first, but I think he does. Remember your birthday party? He was so great to me. He stuck to my side the whole time after I had that run in with AJ’s new boyfriend. And sometimes I call here for you and we’ll have really long conversations about music and art. He’s so passionate, you know?”
I know that I was looking like an idiot, sitting there with my mouth open. Lance and Josh were having phone conversations? Where the hell was I when all this was going on? And why had no one warned me? I started to panic. Lance and Josh just couldn’t end up together. That was the stupidest idea that I had ever heard. So, I guess that my shock should excuse the total lie that came out of my mouth next.
“Well, um, I don’t know. I heard that he’s got a really small dick. Yeah, and that he’s bad in bed. So you may want to reconsider.”
Lance looked at me and laughed. Then, leaning towards me he said, “I don’t think so. Remember at your party? When he came and danced with me, he was hard and let me assure you, his dick is more than ample.”
Suddenly, I was feeling claustrophobic and all I knew was that I had to get away from Lance as soon as possible.
“Hey, Lance, I forgot that I have to sign up for a camera for this project I have, and today’s the last day. Do you mind being here by yourself for a while? I’ll be back soon.” I didn’t even hear his response as I grabbed my jacket and walked out.
The walking didn’t help clear my mind. If anything it made things worse as the helpless panic I was feeling before turned into a kind of helpless rage. How dare Lance ask such a thing of me? I mean, Lance was boring. He tried to get with Brian Littrell, dammit! Josh is artistic and moody and temperamental and possessive and passionate and all the things Lance could never understand. Lance was about as passionate as a spatula. He’d never be a good enough challenge for Josh. Josh needed someone feisty who could keep him on his toes and not let him always have his way. In my opinion, the two of them together could only end in disaster.
With that thought, I decided to go back to the apartment and tell Lance exactly what I thought of his ridiculous idea. However, I was not prepared for what I saw when I walked through the door. Josh was leaning up against the kitchen counter next to boxes of Chinese food, his elbows propped up behind him. Lance (that slut) was standing beside him, practically pressed against his side, one hand playing with a stray thread hanging from Josh’s t-shirt.
The looked cozy and comfortable, and couple-y. And at that moment I realized exactly what this strange emotion that I was feeling wasn’t a strange emotion at all.
It was jealousy. Plain, good old-fashioned jealousy. And didn’t that just put things in perspective!
Josh looked up at me and smiled. “Hey, Justin, we were waiting for you to join us.”
And that did it for me. Join us. I got flashes of boring ass dinner parties and get togethers where I would forced to witness scenes just like this (and maybe worse), while Josh and Lance spoke of themselves as an us, a cohesive unit. And I did the stupidest thing I could’ve done in that situation.
I turned back around and ran out the door.
I ran all the way until I got to Joey and Chris’s house, and they held me while I weeped and babbled incoherently for an hour before they caught on to what I was trying to say. It wouldn’t even have taken Josh five minutes.
“Ok, ok, so let me get this,” Chris began as Joey rocked me back and forth. “Lance likes Josh and wants you to hook them up. But you don’t want this to happen because you’ve just realized that you’re in love with Josh. And you saw them standing too close together and had flashes of their non-existent relationship, so you ran out of the apartment like a loon and all the way here.”
I glared at Chris. I mean, the way he said it, he made it sound so stupid…
“Well, not quite like that, but yes. And that can’t happen because I’ve just fallen in love with Josh and…” I was rudely cut off by the sound of my friends laughing loudly. “Excuse me, this is my life here! And I fail to see what’s so funny about it!”
Joey wiped his eyes. “Sorry, Justin, but we can’t help it. I mean, just fallen in love. I hate to burst your bubble but you’ve been in love with Josh at least since you were eighteen. And now you’re freaking over something that we’ve known for years.”
I sat there, gaping at them as Chris shook his head in agreement. I was about to deny all charges, but then memories started to bombard me. Times when Josh took care of me, times when it was just he and I hanging out, the feeling I got when Josh was around…. well, oh hell.
I hate being the last to know things.