“This is all so fucking...”

“Quick,” Josh finished and Justin nodded on the other line. He watched from his window.

“Yeah. I want to like– I feel like I need to just be close. To you, and it’s kinda weird ‘cause you’re... you.”

The brunette winced at his ceiling. He knew his past would bring up the uglies he couldn’t deny. Especially since Justin had been there himself.

“I promise no one will know.”

Justin frowned. Thats not what he meant. “Josh, are you doing that little melancholy thing? ‘Cause if you are, shut up. That’s not what I meant to say. I’ve known you for years and you’ve always just kinda been this background piece, ya know? Like, you were there but it’s never been serious, nothing drastic. And then the past few weeks pops up and now here I am, feeling...” Justin had denied the new feelings he had, the feelings of uncertainty and fear because he felt those with a lot of things. He was always guilty smoking weed, whenever he lied to his mother. But he liked those things, just as he liked being with Josh. And though it was wrong on some plane, he didn’t want to give it up for morals. Of course, church shone bright in his mind’s eye still. He shook his head, paying close attention to Josh’s breathing instead. An instant smile appeared and he began again. “I– Shit, hold on.”

Jordan bounded through the slightly open door and grinned, the missing teeth on the bottom of his mouth attractive.

“Hey hockey player,” he chuckled. “What?”

Jordan did a little shimmy before subtly, or not so, pointing to the pack of gum on Justin’s dresser. How the younger one had known it was there was still a mystery.

“Please?”

Justin shook his head and sighed, turning back to the phone. “Sorry, Jordan’s bothering me. Anyways, what was I talking about?”

“About how much you want to be here. About how you’re going to lie to your mom and sneak over here,” he groaned, sliding a hand into his shorts slightly. “I haven’t seen you all day, and talking on the phone sucks.”

“This is ridiculous, you know that? I mean, I saw you yesterday and– Jordan! I told you no! God dammit.”

Josh smiled to himself. “What happened?”

“Little fucker stole my gum. I told him no, too,” he grumbled looking at his lone dresser.

“You’re mean. But you’re also pissed off. Take a walk, somehow end up at my door. Please.”

Justin laughed and stretched out, absently noting that his door was wide open. His fingers itched as he talked, his heart pumping until he got up and shut it himself, having to put the conversation on hold for a few seconds. He didn’t like being open like that.

“Justin,” Josh whined and the blonde couldnt help but like the powerful position.

“Josh, I told you. Paul doesn’t... he doesn’t like me going over there. Seems he actually has authority over me now, fucking cunt,” Justin cursed, recognizing the familiar anger bubble at the mention of the name.

“Hey, come over real quick..”

And Justin crumbled because Josh’s voice was too soothing and he was having a hard time getting over this home thing. They were supposed to be this family, with renewed strenghts and understanding but he just couldn’t. Plus Josh’s arms would make him forget the bullshit. Fuck getting in trouble.

“Fine, but if I get my ass kicked, it’s your fault.”

Justin heard a hiss and cringed. He knew Josh hated when he brought that up but it was what it was, he wasn’t crying over it, neither should Josh.

“Are you getting dressed?” Josh asked, twirling in his computer chair, closing his eyes as everything blurred. He thought about getting a beer from downstairs but that would have him actually getting up. Plus, Justin was coming over, his eyelashes veiling as his lips curled.

“Yes.”

“Oooh, get all breathy again,” Josh mumbled, his palm slipping to slide all the way in his shorts.

“Goober.”

“Kill the mood, dammit. Hey, ask your mom first.”

Justin snorted. “No.”

Josh rolled his eyes. He had realized a week ago, when Justin had first went home that he couldn’t play with fire. He was the adult here, no matter how young he felt, Justin was his responsibility. He had promised Lynn and he had promised himself.

“Justin, I don’t want you to get in trouble–”

“Damn, you’re like a fucking mother,” Justin grumbled and Josh sighed.

“Are you coming over?” It was harder for them to argue in person.

“Yes, twat, but I’m coming over to practice. Don’t even think of touching me–”

The door opened, his mother knocking after it was wide open. Justin’s mouth snapped shut. His palms got hot and the phone slipped once.

“Ma, what are you doing?”

Josh’s ears perked.

“I was wondering what you wanted for dinner, we might have–”

“Sorry,” he interrupted, “I’m going to Josh’s for dinner.” Josh winced.

“Ask,” he grumbled and Justin cut his eyes at the phone.

Lynn masked the hurt easily. “Thats alright, just... you know the rules. Be home by one and quietly. And always call to check up, got it?”

All the while, Josh had been chuckling to himself, mumbling about fucking the rules. He couldn’t help it, he wasn’t in adult mentality this late in the afternoon, he justified.

The brunette didn’t hear much more and guessed Justin had said yes so he went to his closet and pulled out the keyboard. He thought quickly before pushing his idea to the back of his mind.

“J?”

Justin snapped out of his reverie. He had been gone the moment his mother had started talking about rules. “Hm?”

“Too cute,” Josh mumbled and then straightened. “Wait, why the fuck aren’t you at my door right now?”

Justin laughed and pulled on a hoodie, coming back to the phone to say goodbye. Josh had made kissing noises as Justin had pressed end. He almost couldn’t wait.

He bounded down the stiars, patting Jordan on the head, poking his cheek as the boy begged to be played with.

“Next time, buddy,” he vowed as he set out the back door.

In no time was he at Josh’s glass sliding doors, watching as Karen moved across the kitchen, Roy against the counter, cuddling with her everytime she got near enough. Heather sidled up, bumping hips with her mother before walking into a hug with her father. He couldn’t have pushed the envy down even if he tried.

They let him in with smiles, his reason being common knowledge as he flew up the stairs. And Josh was waiting like that bright white at the end, waiting for Justin like he had all the time in the world. He could already feel the tension bleeding from his shoulders.

Closing the door behind him, Josh made no move to get up from the bed, Justin only taking a hesitant second to decide. His body lay flat against Josh’s, their heat entangling before knotting together, Josh’s arms secure around his waist, his own hands entwined in the brunette’s silk hair.

Their noses touched as Justin closed his eyes. “I’m so glad I came,” he breathed into Josh.

“I’m glad you came, too.” Josh opened his mouth a little, Justin leaning forward in a press of their lips. It was as innocent as their first kiss and Josh’s hands unraveled the pressure in Justin’s back with a sweep of his palm.

They kissed for a good half hour, enjoying the company of each other, Justin realizing he needed it much more than he had thought possible.

“I’m so jealous of you,” he later spoke into the quiet room.

Josh leaned up, trying to decipher if Justin was serious or not. “Why?”

“Your parents love each other. Your parents love you. God, your family is fucking perfect.” He finally looked into Josh’s glass eyes, wincing when he saw the knowledge there. “I’m being dramatic, ignore me.”

“You’re not being dramatic. But you are wrong,” he said and shifted, pulling Justin close. They usually lie side by side now, not used to having extra weight when they were just lying around. Josh hoped he got used to it soon, his fingers always itched to touch Justin absently.

“We’re not perfect,” he continued. “I... God, this is so funny. Justin. I mean–”

“Stop stuttering and prove me wrong.”

Josh was amazed as well as turned on by Justin’s quick order. He resisted the urge to lick his face again. He went on, instead. “My dad, he uh, he doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t understand why I’d want to live the way I do. He loves me, but he’s partially disgusted...” Josh looked up, wide eyes bluer than Justin had ever seen. “I can’t believe I just said that aloud but it makes sense. And reality hurts, so its not a shock that he can’t even look at me without seeing fag written across my forehead.

“My mom is so... is so great, that I don’t deserve her, thats for sure. She’s like, perfectly balanced, playing the devil’s advocate when need be, relenting me the pity I was aiming for and just... God, I don’t do anything for her. For anyone here. Sometimes I’ll sit around and think I really don’t fit here. In the family, in Millington and–”

“I didn’t want this to be a grillfest. You’re not perfect, fuck it. Neither am I. Neither is–”

“I’m explaining, let me continue ok?” Josh pleaded but Justin wouldn’t have it.

“Josh, you have this thing.” Justin moved in closer, thighs draping over Josh’s. “You’re your own worst critic.”

“No I’m not,” he scoffed and Justin raised an eyebrow. He flushed pink and adverted his gaze. “Justin, not now.”

“You think no one knows, but everyone can see,” Justin said, scooting away to pick up the keyboard. Josh wanted to hit him for being so presumptuous.

“You think you know everything when you can’t deal with shit yourself,” Josh spat back and the blonde shook his head, the keyboard hitting Josh’s knee as it fell to the bed. “Ow, fucker.”

Justin smirked and started to play. Josh closed his eyes and listened, soaked up the emotion, willing himself to stop thinking.

The blonde’s eyes fluttered opened as he finished, Josh watching him with a heavy gaze. He wanted to show the older man he was for real, that he understood and could maybe help.

“I think you’re good enough,” he breathed and grabbed Josh’s hand, fingers curling.

The elder reddened, never releasing the hold, though. Justin sighed and slipped down the bed on his side.

“You sound like you’ve been practicing.”

Justin’s eyes shut softly and he squeezed Josh’s hand, almost immediately, the other’s thumb started a back and forth rhythm on his palm. “My grandparents have a piano. When I’m not with you, I go there. My grandma is fucking boss.”

“Thats good,” he said and meant it, observing Justin, lifting their connected hands to his lips. The blonde sighed at the contact. Josh inhaled, shoulders relaxing and he too closed his eyes again, ceasing his thinking for as long as Justin stayed earnest next to him.

TBC...

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