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[ My Resumé] Objective:I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984. Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting. Skills I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" I'm a rabid typist Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." Experiences: Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. Awards and Achivements Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
It's best for employers that I not work with people. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. Proven ability to track down and correct erors. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer
Marital status: often. Children: various. Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. Reason for leaving second last job: Maturity leave. Physical Disabilities: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. Reference: I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down. Special Requests Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. Cover Letter I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job. I know where you live. I'm confident that I'll get this job because The Voices told me. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
[Source: Allegedly from actual resumes and cover letters as reported by JULY 1, 1997, ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE] |
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Hope You had a good laugh. |