Moz knows all!...

Mozenrath fans have problems too. Love, work, enemies, big decisions ... and who better to give them advice than their favorite megalomanic villain? The doctor is IN -- write in!

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[shakes magic mirror with frustration] What the?! It's BROKEN! No wonder Snow White's stepmother put it up on ebay!

Why yes, I'm all for saving the whales!

Yeah, I've known my share of crackheads, dopers, and reefer pals. Some are still here with me, and some are not. So I'm going to begin with giving you some really, really bad news: you probably won't be successful in trying to save your friend. Why? Because your friend sees drugs as enjoying life before it's gone, being young while you're young, etc. Or maybe (s)he got ahold of a "drug guide". A drug guide is a guy that looks perfectly normal and says he's been snorting coke for 15 years, and says "Snorting coke is perfectly safe if you know when to say when, and you keep it under your control". Yadda yadda yadda. This outlook is exacerbated by smoking pot before you do the hardcore stuff -- most people can handle their pot, so they think they can handle any drug. Also, your friend may have other issues eating them up, and drugs are an escape from that. In that case, your friend may know that drugs are a nightmare, but it's a nightmare more tolerable than real life...

...Now, while I am going to finally get to the advice part now, I just said all that to remind you that you shouldn't get your hopes up. Either your friend has the will power to pull him/herself together or not. (S)he's seen the same anti-drug commercials, testimonies, statistics, and K-12 programs as you have. But your friend is the kind of person where, despite all that information, here (s)he is, taking drugs. So don't bet on it.

But let's get to the good news already, right?! This is my protocol for the three situations I was trying to describe -- "living large", "the drug guide", and "the escape".

A. "Living Large" Nothing motivates a person who is overweight, drinking, or taking drugs to stop what they're doing and make changes like seeing themselves in the past. Thinner ... sober ... beaming ... like BEFORE and AFTER photographs, only the AFTER looks horrible. If you have a photo of your friend free of drugs, take another photo of them when you know they've snorted or shot up. (Laugh it off, don't march up to their face with the two photos and tell them what you're doing.) The change will horrify them; you might even be surprised at the striking difference yourself. Find other ways to make BEFORE and AFTERs: call them and ask them to come hang out with you when you know they're high, then, shyly, cancel when you see them on drugs. Try to get a few other friends in on it too. Mumble under your breath "Geez Michael(a), you were never tired all the time before", or whatever. Just do everything you can to take the glamour out of the drug-use.
B. "Drug Guide" This is mostly going to be "making the grass look greener", on your side rather than the side (s)he's on. You've got to outshine the Guide, who I'm sure is "a cool guy (s)he met somewhere", the new boyfriend, whoever. See, your friend is taking drugs in this scenario because they want what the Guide has ...it's, um, kinda hard to describe what that "It" is. An aura I guess, surreal power over their situation -- you see what I'm trying to say. Anyhow, you've got to cast your own "It" to pull your friend over to you. I'm not trying to suggest anything about you, but I'm telling you right now that if you smoke pot with your pal, get drunk even just occasionally or dress gothic or punk, all these things greatly reduce your credibility. You just give off an aura that reinforces what your friend does and what Guide teaches. You've got to makeover yourself to inspire your friend. Make some bad-habit resolutions, be vocal about your future goals, wear some pink once in a while!... Your friend will get the feeling that the world is only going up, up, up for you, and down, down, down for them. And then they'll start asking you how you did it, just little insinuations that they want to change. And then you got'em. (c;
C. "The Escape" This one is personal for me. No one knows about growing up in conditions that are unloving, despotic, and abusive more than I do. The worst of it all is that, even if it's over, it still goes on, so to speak. Just because I overthrew Destane doesn't mean I don't relive my awful memories, or that my mind isn't poisoned by his influence. See, I don't really want to conquer the entire world, it's just an escape from the anguish of the past, because pretending I have a one-track mind set on one unwavering goal convinces me that I've forgotten all the bad things entirely. But in actuality, it helps me avoid the real issues for another day, much like how the drugs keeps the pain away from your friend. I sincerely hope that this scenario is not what's going on here, because it means going all the way: it's the most involved, takes the longest, and can cause the most anguish to you, as you learn more. Step one: get it out of them. Invite your pal to stay over for the night, with others if you think that's wise, and get into one of those late night, half-circle, just-us-friends discussions that get real personal. After a few tales told 'round the circle, they're gonna say what's hurting them. Some time after that night, you need to tell your friend that they can talk to you whenever they need to, about "that thing". That's comfort to them, and it means you're on call, 24/7. Use your instincts; if they call you and something doesn't seem right, immediately suggest that the two of you go do something -- and don't let them go back to that house until they're ready, and walk them inside at that. Then call them again when YOU get home, and make sure they're alright. Besides being on call, keep telling your friend that you admire what a strong person they are. I'm serious. Everyone who's gone through travesty will imagine a stronger person than what they are now will come out in the future: it's there, you just got to reinforce it.
What I'm saying is that you must replace the drugs as the escape. That is one hard job, but you can do it. Eventually your friend will be able to stand on their own -- mostly because they're old enough to move out or to go off to college; yeah, think in terms of YEARS AWAY.

I really hate to leave you with unhappy thoughts, but, then again, what else do drugs bring? I sincerely hope that you can help your friend, and I hope I made some sense here. Best of luck.

Yeah, and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito are twins. Gimme a break! HA! Actually, Jafar did have a son, a entire family of his own. But that's another story.

You need to keep in mind the opening prose of your letter. "You know you're perfect for it". Just look at me -- skinny, pale, friendless, a geek if you will. But everybody knows I carry the biggest stick and I'm the baddest villain from Baghdad to Timbuktu. And as my minion, I require that you approach all situations with the same arrogance and delusion. HUP HUP HUP!

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