A/N: According to my calculations, there are three more fics following. This series really is fun to write. Anyway, here is the next part. I'm sure you don't want to hear my ramblings.
Star
I open the door quietly and walk softly to the table. I set the tray down, careful not to clank the dishes. After I close the door I walk into the bedroom.
I can feel a small smile play upon my lips as I watch the beautiful creature that I'm bonded to. He's still sleeping. I doubt Remus woke up at all while I was away. I take my things out of my pocket and return them to their proper size before I gently sit on the bed. I smirk slightly as I watch my husband's nostrils flare slightly. He senses my presence.
Amber-colored eyes flutter open and stare at me sleepily. "Harry? How long have I been asleep?"
I look at my watch. "About four and a half hours. I was sidetracked at Sirius' house. It seems Bill Weasley is moving to Hogsmeade to take over WWW. I think he and Siri may become more than friends. It helps that he's staying with Siri for a while, until he finds a suitable home. Perhaps he won't have to," I muse.
Remus smiles and nods as he stretches. "I'm glad. It's about time he found someone. Bill's a wonderful man, and I hope they do get together. It will be nice to have another Weasley around." He looks at me suddenly, concern for me overruling his exhaustion. "How were you when you saw him? Were you okay? I'm sorry, Harry. I should have been there for you, and instead I…"
He's getting upset, which is not good for his current physical condition. I place two fingers lightly over his lips to quiet him. "Shh. It's okay, Remus. I know you would have been there for me, but you needed rest. I was a little upset but I'm glad I saw him. I realize now that I miss the Weasley's something terrible, and I need them in my life, not shut out of it. Besides, Sirius was there in case I couldn't handle it by myself. I think I can finally forgive myself for Ron and Hermione's deaths."
"Then I'm glad you saw him, love." I can feel my heart jump at that one little word. Remus winces, as if he's overstepped his bounds, but continues with his train of thought. "I just wish I could have been there for you. I never do anything right," he berates himself, turning his head to face the wall. He still hasn't sat up yet.
"Remus, look at me," I tell him. He looks cautiously at me and I say, "What are you talking about? With the exception of the current situation, you've always done the right thing."
"You've loved me for four years. You helped protect me when I needed you while I was a student. You're a great teacher and a great person. I'm not saying that you didn't make a mistake…you made a huge one, lying to me like that, not being honest and going behind my back, but that doesn't make you a lost cause, beyond all hope. You made a mistake…everyone does. Look at Sirius, for example. He's made some the size of whales. Let us not forget the lesson of the Shrieking Shack. You're a good person, Remus. The mistake you made, it wasn't done with evil intent, with cruelty. You didn't mean to hurt me. It happened all the same, but it wasn't the least bit intentional. Do you honestly think I'd be anywhere near you right now if it were?"
Remus still doesn't really believe me, but I have time to work on that later. Right now he needs food. I know he hasn't been eating either. The house elves did well to inform me of that while I was in the kitchens. "I brought some lunch for us. We can continue our earlier discussion after we eat. The elves sent your favorites." I walk out and pick up the tray. When I come back, Remus is sitting up in the bed.
I hand him his Wolfsbane first. "Take this first. I brought some pumpkin juice to wash down any aftertaste." One thing Severus was able to improve so far was the taste of the Wolfsbane, and Remus no longer had the urge to vomit when he took it, and it didn't take away his appetite.
Remus swallows the potion quickly, not daring to even think of the remotest objections. He hands me the glass, and I allow him a small smile. I'm still quite upset about his refusal to take it the last two nights.
I place the glass on the nightstand and motion for Remus to move over. He does so and I sit down, crossing my legs. I place the large tray before me and hand Remus a glass of pumpkin juice.
As my husband sips on his juice, I cut up the steak the elves cooked for him…cooked medium rare, of course. After that is done I hand him his plate. He eyes the food warily and a glare at him. "You will eat, Remus Lupin, or I will force you to eat myself. You will finish everything on that plate, or my name isn't Harry Lupin!" I give him a sneer that would make Lucius Malfoy jealous and he breaks into a small smile. He picks up his fork, nonetheless. He knows I'm not playing.
We don't say much of anything as we eat, each of us lost in our own thoughts.
All too soon we are finished and our discussion must go back to the matter at hand. Remus opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him. "Before you say you're sorry again, I need to show you something. I have to say that I am not blameless in all of this. It would be quite easy for me to allow you to take all the blame, but it's not true. I hold some of the blame as well. I wasn't honest with you. I should have told you many things, which would have most likely rendered this entire mess nonexistent."
"What are you talking about, Harry? What could you have possibly done to relieve me of some of the blame I hold? Not that I believe that for a second. I know where the blame in all this lies."
I sigh exasperatedly, irritated with my husband's nobility. "Will you at least listen to what I have to tell you?"
"Of course I will, Harry. I just don't see how you could be blamed for any of this."
I grab my box off the floor and sit it before me. He looks at it curiously. "What is that?"
My cheeks grow warm. I can just imagine the pink tinge that has invaded my face. "It's the research I promised to bring you, and therein lies my blame. I didn't tell you about any of this, and I should have shared it with you the moment I found out the minutest detail about anything. All of this is a study I've been doing about werewolves. I've been heading the research for over three years, and I've been working with the Ministry for a year and a half on the rights of dark creatures, particularly werewolves. There are things in here that will answer your earlier questions."
He looks confused, so I start pulling out my research a little at a time. We spend the next few hours going through the research, particularly the parts about the mating habits. Most of the time is spent with me explaining certain things I've discovered and him asking me questions. I can tell he's really excited to finally know something…anything…about his affliction, and it makes me feel all the guiltier. I had no right to keep any of this from him, no matter how innocent my intentions were.
"So do you understand now, Remy?" I ask him.
"I understand why you think you're partly to blame, but that doesn't excuse what I did. Whether or not it is in my nature, I lied to you and I cheated on you. I hurt you. I don't see how you can stand sitting here next to me. You should be running as far away from me as possible. I don't deserve you being here. I don't deserve you."
I stare at him. "Tell me, Remus: if the situation were reversed, would you be able to walk away from me so easily? Could you just go and not look back? How would you feel?"
"Of course not! I would never leave you like that, not for a mistake, not even one as big as that. I love you more than my own life, Harry! I would be angry and hurt but I could never just up and leave…Oh…" Remus says, my words finally sinking into his thick skull.
"Do you understand what I'm feeling now? Yes, I'm angry, but I'm more hurt now than angry. But that does not mean that I don't love you just as much as I always have. It doesn't mean that I can just walk away from you. My love for you is stronger than that, and I want to work things out if we can. So much so that I told Severus that I would not interfere if the two of you continued your relationship." I say this last quietly, but he hears me anyway.
"You what?" he asks me, disbelief widening those amber eyes I so love to lose myself in. "Why…" he trails off, not finishing his thought, but I know what he was going to ask.
"Because I love you that much, and you need him, just as much as you need me. He's your mate, the same way I am. And he loves you as well. I'm not saying it doesn't still hurt…it does. But what's done is done, and I want you to be happy. If that means being with Severus, then so be it."
Tears run down my husband's face and his body shakes as he sobs. I place an arm around him and he buries his face in my chest. After several minutes he composes himself and pulls away. "I don't deserve you, Harry. I don't have any right to the gift that you truly are. I don't know why you even bother with me."
"I asked myself the same things about you when you said yes to a relationship with me. I didn't think I deserved you, nor could I see what you saw in me. I love you, and sometimes that is more important than hurt feelings. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. It's going to take me a while to stop being hurt, but I know that I can forgive you for what you've done. It's just going to take a while for me to stop hurting. Can you understand that?"
Remus nods, wiping away his tears. "I do. I can't believe you're willing to forgive me. I understand that it will take time for you to trust me, to not feel the pain that I've caused you, but I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you, I promise. I won't ever lie to you again." Remus takes my hand and brings it up to his lips. He kisses my palm softly. "I love you Harry. I always have, and I always will, until the day I die. Do you really forgive me?"
I nod. "Yes, I do. And I know you love me Remus. I wouldn't have come back if I thought you didn't. That's why I left in the first place. I thought you didn't love me, and that hurt worse than anything else did. I thought you didn't need me. I know now that you do need me."
Remus smiles brightly at me, now realizing that I truly mean what I said. Then the smile fades. "Do you really want Severus and I to continue our relationship? I will give him up if you don't want me to be with him. You're my first priority."
I shake my head. "No, Remus. You need him. He's your mate. I won't interfere with that." I sigh, knowing that I must make another confession. "I was in love before I fell in love with you, Remus…with Severus. I fell in love during my fifth year, I think it was, and until you came along, I pined for him. Part of the reason I was so hurt was because he wanted you…he had you, and I had wanted him for so long. A part of me was angry and jealous that you had him and not me. I only tell you this because we said we'd be honest."
Remus sighs. "What a mess we three are."
I nod. "I know. Please, don't tell him this. I will confess this to him in my own time and in my own way. My feelings aside, he really did hurt me by his lies. I thought we were better friends than that. It will take time before I forgive him."
Remus eyes me curiously. "Do you still want him?"
I laugh lightly. "Right now I want to throw him over a cliff. Ask me again later." He chuckles and I continue. "Honestly, I don't know what I'm feeling, besides hurt. This has brought up feelings that I thought were gone long ago, and I don't know if they're real or if they're just magnified because of the circumstances. I'll figure it out once the pain goes away."
I look outside and the sun is starting to go down. Only a little while longer until the moon comes out. "Do you want something else to eat?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "No, I don't think so. I'm still rather full from the lunch you brought. Besides, I don't like to eat so close to the moonrise. I could use a little water, though, if you don't mind."
I easily conjure a glass of water with a wave of my hand and hand it to him. "Thanks," he says, and I nod.
"What would you like to do until it's time for your transformation?"
"Could you just read to me?" he asks hopefully.
I nod and take out one of the books from the drawer of the night table. It's 'The Silmarillion'. I start reading until he falls asleep. I set the book down and close my eyes.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The small cry from my husband wakes me up. He's starting his transformation, so I quickly get up to let him have the bed to himself. I watch him transform, wincing with every cry. I'm definitely going to put aside my hurt so I can assist Severus in finding a way to at least better the potion, if not find a damned cure. Those two are just going to have to get out of my way! I cannot stand this anymore.
Finally the transformation is over, leaving my husband in wolf form and panting. I quickly conjure a pan of water for him and he laps up the water gratefully. I refill the pan twice, and when he's done he lets out a light yip of thanks.
"Do you want to go out for a little while?" I ask him and he nods.We walk down the hallway, and he stops after a few moments, his ears perking up. He turns his head and starts whining. I look, but see nothing. "What is it?" I ask him.
He shakes his head, and his tail stops wagging. I listen intently and I can hear very light footsteps fading away. "Severus?" I whisper.
He nods again, and I pat his head. "It will be okay. You can talk to him tomorrow. Come on; let's go outside."
We go outside, and I transform into my wolf form. Remus cautiously approaches me, as if he expects reproach. He whines and nuzzles me gently. I lick his face and he barks loudly, his tail wagging furiously.
I set off at a run toward the forest, Moony following close behind. We spend an hour playing our version of tag, and finally we collapse beside the lake, exhausted, but happy.
Moony slowly creeps up to me, asking without words. I meet him halfway and we curl up around each other and fall asleep.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~
A few hours later I awake and see the moon is starting its descent. I nudge Moony and he looks at me sleepily. I motion towards the moon and he nods. We slowly make our way back to the castle, and I only transform when I reach the door.
When we get back to the room, Moony jumps up on the bed and I sit beside him. I pick up the book and start reading again, and he rests his head in my lap, listening to me.
Once the transformation starts, I get up. I want to cry as I watch him return to human form. I can't even begin to imagine what he goes through every month.
As soon as he returns to normal, I quickly heal the cuts that come with the transformation, and then I slip him under the heat-charmed blankets. His teeth are chattering. He's always so cold after transforming. I quickly take off my clothing and slip in beside him, knowing that my body heat will help more than the blankets. It will also help him to sleep.
I wrap myself around him, careful not to jar his sore body. He nuzzles his head up under my chin and slowly drifts off to sleep.
Once I know he's asleep, I relax, knowing he'll sleep for a long while. As I slowly drift off to sleep, I realize I can do this…I can truly forgive my husband.