Reviews: Please do. I would greatly appreciate it!
I look at the door with a certain amount of trepidation. This will be the first time I'm alone with Severus since I found him…making love with my husband.
I can't call it fucking, or shagging, or having sex, or anything else that makes what they were doing less than it was. I can't delude myself. It's not fair to them or me if I try to pretend that what Remus and Severus have is anything less than love.
I continue to look at Severus' door. I shiver. The dungeons are quite cool, even in the middle of summer. I'm not sure how Severus gets along down here during the winter. I never really thought to ask him before. I'll have to ask him sometime, when the hurt he has caused me is a little bit less.
As I walked back here from Hogsmeade, all I did was think about this whole mess; and I don't mean like I've been thinking the last several days. I mean really thinking about whether or not I can live with Remus, knowing he's also with Severus.
I'm almost sure I can come to terms with it, eventually. It may take a while, because it will take a while for me to deal with the hurt I've been dealt through all this deceit. I'm almost sure…I guess I'd day about 85 percent sure. I won't be positive until I see Severus…here, tonight, face to face, alone.
I know I'm not supposed to see him until tomorrow, but this can't wait, and I need the Wolfsbane potion. I also need to put in an order for the healing potions. After tomorrow, I'll be out.
Gathering up my courage that we Gryffindors are so well known for, I knock. I wait for a few minutes before I knock again, this time a little harder. I wait for another few minutes before I knock once again, this time practically pounding on the door.
As it flies open I hear Severus growl, "Damn you, Albus, I said I-" He stops abruptly and his mouth drops open in shock when he realizes that it's not the Headmaster, it is just me. The sight of Severus' jaw hitting the floor is so un-Snapelike I almost laugh.
"Harry, what are you doing here? I thought you said it would be tomorrow before you wanted to speak to me." He looks genuinely perplexed, and a little…dare I say, scared? A scared Severus Snape…scared of me…I think I may need professional help with the trauma at the very idea.
"I know, but some very important things have come up, and we need to discuss some things now. Can I come in?"
"Of course." Severus steps back and allows me to enter his lair. I look around…the room is decorated in green and black, with a little spot of silver here and there. His personal desk, a sofa, two large chairs by the fireside…just like I remember it. It's been a while since I've been in here.
Severus offers me a cup of tea, and I accept. We sit in the two chairs by the fire, and he patiently waits for me to start.
"First, before I forget, I'm going to need some more of the potions I use to treat Remus' cuts during the lunar cycle."
Severus looks at me, confusion clouding his onyx eyes. "Didn't I give you a fresh batch last month?"
"Yes, but I used almost all of them today."
I watch as his confusion deepens. "I don't understand, Harry. How could you have gone through that much?"
"Apparently he did not drink the Wolfsbane potion this month. Which brings me to another reason I'm here: I'm going to need his Wolfsbane."
"Yes, of course, but how could he not have taken it? I made sure he had it."
I close my eyes and massage my temples as I answer. "He didn't drink it. He locked himself in so no one could get in and he couldn't get out. He knew what he'd do to himself, without the potion and no one else around. He did it to punish himself for hurting me."
"Was it bad?" Severus asks warily.
I nod. "He was covered in gashes and cuts. I honestly don't know how he didn't faint from blood loss. He's going to have a lot of scars from this." I look at Severus, watching him closely. To anyone else he looked unmoved by my revelation, but I can see the pain in his eyes, the despair. After more than ten years, I've learned to read him, at least when I really watch. A person just has to know what to look for.
"How much you love him," I whisper, knowing that this must be brought up.
"But he loves you," Severus mumbles, his voice almost cracking from emotion. Almost, but not quite. Severus is truly a strong person.
"And he loves you," I tell him.
He looks at me, disbelieving. "How can he? He cannot love both of us. Werewolves mate for life. I know you are his mate. I know he's in love with you."
I sigh, and take out the shrunken box that is in the pocket of my robes. As I return it to its original size, I say, "Yes, they do stay with a mate for life, but they have more than one mate."
Severus looks at me sharply. "What are you on about?"
"My research," I state flatly. "When I first realized the implications that had arisen within my research, I dismissed it, not really thinking anything of it. Werewolves almost always have at least two mates, especially the alpha males. It's rare for an alpha male to have only one mate. It's part of the pack mentality of werewolves. I dismissed it, simply because Remus never mentioned any desire for another, and I thought it was mute. So I assure you, he is very much capable of loving both you and myself."
Severus looks thunderstruck. I randomly wonder if Severus would fall over if I hit him with a feather. I have strange thoughts sometimes. I decide to continue, since there doesn't seem to be any comments or questions coming from the uncharacteristically speechless potions master. "There are a few complications when dealing the emotions of a werewolf, at least when it comes to mating."
"Such as?"
"First is the fact that once a werewolf takes a mate or two or ten…"
I have to suppress a smirk as Severus chokes on the tea he's drinking. "T-ten?"
"Well, no, not really. I exaggerated a bit. Werewolves generally have two to four mates. No more than that, or at least none of my contacts have found any packs with more than four mates. Anyway, as I was saying, once a werewolf takes a mate, it is nearly impossible for them to sleep without one present. This explains his inability to truly sleep these last few nights. He's exhausted beyond belief without you or I there."
"I don't understand. We were in love before Sirius' disastrous prank when we were in school. How did he manage all those years? If he loved me enough to condsider-"
I shake my head, cutting him off. "Did you let him mark you when you were younger?"
"Of course not. When I found out about his lycanthropy the way that I did, I was angry, scared and hurt. I didn't want to have anything to do with him. But I loved him still. I never stopped." He whispers that part softly, almost low enough for me to miss. But not quite.
"I know you didn't," I say quietly, forcing myself to be calm. I can feel my anger simmering just below the surface. I hate that this man before me lied to me for so long. I hate being lied to. So many people have lied to me all my life. I never thought he would be one of them. I choke it back and continue on. "Remus, though he loved you, didn't get the opportunity to mark you, thus he didn't make you his mate. Am I right in assuming you now carry his mark on your throat?"
Severus nods absently, pulling his collar down to reveal the scar made by Remus' marking. "He gave it to me before your marriage."
"I thought as much. Another problem we have is even more serious. I could really curse myself for keeping this from Remus, but I never even considered it at the time."
"What is it?" Severus asks me quietly.
"It has to deal with what happens when werewolves lose their mates, for whatever reason."
"What happens?"
"In simplest terms, it kills them before their time. It drives them insane, and many end up killing themselves from the loss. There are many documented cases in these files," I tell him, waving my hand toward the box I set on the floor. He looks horrified, and I smile sympathetically. "I know how you feel. I felt the same way earlier."
We sit here for a while, not saying a thing. Finally he asks what he needs to know. "So, what do we do now?"
I sigh, and look up at the ceiling. "I don't know what you will do. That's solely up to you and Remus, as Remus and my relationship is up to us."
"And if Remus and I decide to continue?" he asks me with a great amount of trepidation.
I stare him in the eyes. "I won't stop you two if it is what he needs. I won't harm him in this way. It's too cruel."
"And what about you? Will you go back to him? What will he do tonight?"
"I'm going to stay with him tonight. I won't let him hurt himself again, though I wanted to use a rather painful hex on him for what he did to himself."
"And after that? Will you stay."
I place my hands over my face and rub vigorously before I answer. "Yes, I most likely will. I love my husband Severus. He hurt me with his lies, and it will take me a while to get over that, to forgive it completely, but I'm willing to try. I love him enough to try, and I won't punish him by staying away."
"So I take it your going to be moving back into Hogwarts?" Severus asks. I know he is stalling for what we really need to talk about, but I let him.
"Yes. It's getting rather crowded at Sirius' house. Bill Weasley is moving to Hogsmeade to take over management of the WWW, and he's staying with Sirius. I think there might be potential for a relationship there, and I want to give him some room for intimacy." I look down at the floor, at my research. "I brought this copy of the werewolf research for you. I don't know if it will help with your search for a better potion, or possibly a cure, but I thought it might."
"Thank you, Harry. That was…kind of you." He sips the cup of tea before he finally opens up the can of worms. "Harry, I'm truly sorry I hurt you."
The anger that's been simmering starts to boil and spills over. "You lied to me Severus. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? I can almost understand why Remus lied, but you? You never lied to me, Severus. You may not have told me things, but you never ever lied, not once, not even to spare my feelings. But this? I expected better treatment from you, Severus. You were supposed to be my friend. I want to know why you felt the need to do something so cowardly, so un-Slytherin. Cowardice was never something I saw in you."
"You're absolutely right, Harry, and I have no defense at all. I wish I could go back and change what has happened, but I can't. I love Remus…I have for a very long time, but that does not excuse my treatment of you. You didn't deserve any of this, and I apologize for my abhorrent actions. I should have told you my feelings towards your husband, as he should of told you his. I don't know why, other than to spare your feelings, which most obviously did not work. I don't expect you to forgive me…"
"Not anytime soon," I mutter, and he nods in agreement. "But we have to learn to live with each other around, especially if you decide to stay with Remus. As I said, I won't stop you, but it's up to you and him to work things out between you. As for you and I, it's going to take a while for me to get to the point where I can be comfortable with you again. It will take a while for the hurt to go away enough to let you back in, the way you were before. You really hurt me."
"I know."
I sigh and look into his eyes. I can see the sadness there. He doesn't try to hide his emotions from me. The one thing I cannot tell him now is that I was in love with him before I was in love with my husband. That would make things much too complicated. We need things as simple as possible right now. "I guess I had best get back to my husband now. He'll be waking up soon enough, and I promised I'd be back. We can talk again later. Thank you for the Wolfsbane potion. I'll make sure he takes it."
Severus nods and walks me to the door. I turn around and look at him. "I was being honest, you know. I am serious. I will not get in the way if you and he decide to…you know."
Severus nods. "I understand. I just hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
I nod, trying not to cry. "Someday," I whisper. ******************************************************************
I'll try and post the next part this weekend! We'll be back with Remus and Harry then.