It is no secret
that the imaginary christian god works in a mysterious
way. But as can be seen above left, for the very first
time captured on film, Hubert the Dancing Beaver Deity is
working in a very mysterious way indeed! Photographed at
the 21st birthday party of Melissa Felcham-Hall is the
very moment of her Divine conversion.
Fundamentalist
Sister Melissa is from the twin cities of Corn-Dog and
Whiskey, Spoon Island, Kentucky where she used to work in
the local pharmacy dispensing jellies, unctions,
ointments, salves and floppy, rubbery things - all of
which were passed over the counter in especially discrete
packages. She has no hobbies - all her spare time is
taken up with praying to, and praising Hubert the Dancing
Beaver Deity. However, last week the English Atheist did
manage to corner Melissa in the 'Corridor of Devote
Devotion' at the convent in Toothpaste, West Virginia,
and ask about her conversion, "I used to be a devout
christian" said Melissa, "until my Holy Nostril
Excavation by His Almightyness Hubert. It was at that
very moment I knew I was looking at the rest of my life
being dressed in a purple sack. Oh, blessings and joy! It
will be impossible to make the world a better place until
that time when all bow down before him, and munch great
big bags of BBQ Fritos. Thanks to his blessings, my
nostrils are fully cleansed. Praise the omnipotent,
infinitely all-powerful power of the Purple Beaver!"
Melissa continued,
"I am waiting for the Beaver Rapture, it should be
along any day now, that is, according to Hubert's Holy
Beaver Bible. Here's the passage, it's from the 'Book of
Myriad Wobbly Things', chapter sixty-nine of The New
Testiclon:
69:01 'The Beaver
Rapture. It should be along any day now.' (Hubert
speaking.)
...see? That proves
it! It must be true because it's on page sixty-nine!
Anyhoo, I'm off for a spot of prayer and Beaver praise.
And then I'm going to my hair dyed several shades of
luminous purple at the convent beauty parlor. Eek! Eek!
Eek! Cheerio and toodle pip!"
Fundamentalist
Sister Melissa is a Virgo.