Dinner With Digby

	Kensington dinner party set. Candles, tablecloth, fruit,
	epergne etc. At the head of the table, dinner-jacketed,
	is Susan Digby, played by Stephen. Hugh, similarly 
	DJ-ed, plays Jeremy James Duff, a poncy John 
	Julius Norwich type, there is also Leslie Crith of the 
	Independent.

	Camera is on Stephen, who is talking, but studio sound 
	isn't up yet.


Caption		Susan Digby with dinner guests

	Camera pans along the table to Hugh, lips also moving 
	wordlessly.

		Jeremy James Duff, travel-writer, broadcaster and
		journalist.

	Pan/track along to Leslie.

		Leslie Crith, the Independent.

Stephen		... and similarly louche places. But Jeremy, I must
		tell you. I was in Venice last year.

Hugh		Ah, la serenissima!

Stephen		That's right. You probably know more than anyone
		else in the world about Venice.

Hugh		The Queen of the Adriatic.

Stephen		Is only one of the things you've been called. I was
		walking along the Rialto, returning from a walk
		that took in Santa Maria della Salute and San
		Giorgio Romano ...

Leslie		Along the Giudecca?

Stephen		Along the Giudecca, and I think I'm right in
		saying that I counted no less than seventy-nine
		backpackers.

Leslie		Backpackers, oh dear lord.

Stephen		... who were "doing", as I believe they say, the
		Accademia.

Hugh		Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. Tourists, you see.

Stephen		And I remember thinking, they're taking away our
		Venice.

Hugh		Our Venice is being taken away from us. It's
		crawling with Germans.

Leslie		And Italians.

Stephen		Our Venice is sinking under their weight, not just
		physically, but the beauty, Jeremy, the grandeur of
		our Venice is sinking under the blue nylon of their
		wind-cheaters, their Coca-Cola cans, their eternal
		flashlight photo-cameras.

Leslie		And that monstrous tinny noise that emanates from
		their Sony Walkmans.

	Hugh and Stephen are baffled.

Stephen		Their ... ?

Hugh		Erm?

Stephen		Oh you mean those personal stereophonic
		discotheques?

Hugh		Stop it, stop it, stop it at once.

Stephen		If only ...

Hugh		Ah, yes well now you see, I have campaigned for
		years now to have tourists banned from Venice.

Stephen		Have you? Have you?

Hugh		I have, I have. It sounds very harsh, very cruel,
		very ...

Stephen		Deglante?

Hugh		Very deglante, thank you. But I'm sure it's the
		only way.

Stephen		Ng, ng, ng, ng.

Leslie		Who was it, who was it, who said "He is a
		tourist, you are a holidaymaker, but I am a
		traveller?"

Hugh		Oh, was it Humbert Wolfe?

Stephen		It was Cocteau, surely?

Hugh		It doesn't sound very Cocteau.

Stephen		But then Cocteau never did, which is how you can
		always tell it's Cocteau.

Hugh		True, true. Trouche!

Leslie		Of course it's not just Venice is it?

Hugh		It's not just Venezia, Venedig, Veneeess, not by a
		very long stroke.

Leslie		Our whole world is being stained.

Stephen/Hugh	Stained, stained.

Stephen		Eheu fugaces! O tempora, o mores, Jeremy.

Hugh		Yes indeed.

Leslie		I blame television. I'm sorry but I do.

Hugh		(Pained at the thought) Ah ... ah, ah, television.
		That fearful Mervyn Bragg.

Stephen		Mervyn Bragg, stop it, don't, shush, now please,
		really. If I had my way with Mervyn Bragg ...

Hugh		No one would be in the least surprised.

	Lots of laughter.

Leslie		This is most awfully good Tarte Citron.

Stephen/Hugh	Er ... ?

Leslie		Tatre Citron.

Stephen		Oh, the lemon pie. Thank you. I always said I could
		never really be friends with someone who didn't
		love lemon pie.

Hugh		Susan, don't be sly, did you make it yourself?

Stephen		Let's just say I made it to the shops in time
		to buy it.

Hugh/Leslie	Marks & Spencer?

Stephen		Who else, but M & S?

Hugh		M & S!

Leslie		M & S! M et S. They are simply amazing
		aren't they?

Hugh		And have you tried their new boxer shorts?

Stephen		No I haven't, I haven't, I haven't.

Leslie		I have. Delicious.

Hugh		And their dips! Oh bless me, their dips.

Leslie		In my local one there's a really marvellous school.

Stephen		A primary school?

Leslie		Oh yes. Both mine and my husband's children
		go there.

Stephen		Mine's just opened a hospital section.

Hugh		Have they? Have they really?

Stephen		Oh yes, you can go in and have minor operations,
		everything.

Hugh		In the one just round the corner from me they sell
		weaponry.

Stephen		Is that right?

Hugh		Oh it is. Quite right.

Leslie		Mine too.

Hugh		I bought an F1-11 there last week ... so fresh ... I
		swear it was made that day ...

	Fading out.

Stephen		And of course if you're unhappy, you can always go
		back and change it ...

Hugh		(Holding up plate) See this? You
		could eat your dinner off this.