Society

	A sitting room. A doorbell rings. A woman gets up and 
	answers the door to Stephen and Hugh. Most of the 
	way through Hugh is repeating everything Stephen says,
	a fraction of a second later.


Stephen		Morning.

Hugh		Morning.

Stephen		We're from the Westminster Society ...

Hugh		Society ...

Stephen		We wondered if we could come in and talk to
		you about our aims, and the possibility of you
		joining us.

Hugh		... joining us, possibly, who knows?

Woman		Well ...

Stephen		Thank you ...

Hugh		So much.

Stephen		I'm Mr Willis. And this is Mr Barraclough.

Hugh		Barraclough.

Stephen		No relation, in case you're wondering.

Woman		Sorry?

Stephen		We're not related to each other, in case you
		thought we were.

Woman		Well why should you be?

Hugh		Well we shouldn't, that's what I'm saying. We
		shouldn't be related and we're not. Hence the
		totally different names.

Woman		So, what can I do for you?

Stephen		As I say, my colleague and I are thinking of
		founding this society ...

Hugh		Society ...

Stephen		Would you be interested in joining us?

Hugh		... perhaps joining us?

Woman		And what is this society for?

Stephen		It's ...

Hugh		Well ...

	They look at each other.

Stephen		Well obviously this is one of the things we need to
		look at ...

Hugh		Look at it very carefully indeed ...

Stephen		And I think you've already shown that you would
		be a very useful member ...

Hugh		Useful member of the society.

Woman		But you said you had some aims.

Stephen		I don't think we did.

Hugh		... did say that, we may have done ...

Woman		But when I answered the door, you said could you
		come in and talk about the aims of your society.

	They look uncomfortable.

Stephen		Well that's a matter of opinion ...

Hugh		Subjective opinion, really ...

Woman		Well all right, but what is the point of this society?
		I mean you've got to have a point, otherwise ...
		there's no point.

Stephen		Hmm. That's a good point.

Hugh		Well made.

Woman		I mean are you going to collect postage stamps?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Definitely. Collect postage stamps.

Woman		Or are you going to practise Highland dancing?

Stephen		Yes. Stamps and Highland dancing are very high
		on the society's agenda.

Hugh		Hardly anything higher on the agenda than
		those two.

Woman		Or talk about Roman ruins in Shropshire?

Stephen		Definitely that.

Hugh		That's even higher on the agenda. That's right up
		at the top.

Woman		But you don't know?

Stephen		Know what?

Hugh		Know what, precisely?

Woman		You don't know for certain what the society is
		going to be for?

Stephen		Well, we have made one or two notes ...

Hugh		Just one or two ...

Woman		Yes?

Stephen		But unfortunately, not to do with the society.

Hugh		On a completely seperate matter.

Stephen		However, to answer your question in the spirit in
		which is was asked ...

Hugh		In that very selfsame spirit ...

Stephen		My view is that the society should be run in the
		interest of its members.

Hugh		Brilliant. That's my view too. Members.

Stephen		But you see, until we have some members, we
		don't really have any interests.

Hugh		You might say that our hands are tied ...

Stephen		So. Will you help us?

Woman		Can I make a suggestion?

Stephen		Of course. Suggestions.

Hugh		Eureka. Suggestions.

Stephen		Tuesdays and Thursdays could be suggestion
		evenings.

Woman		No, can I make a suggestion now. And that is that
		you come back when you've decided what this
		society is supposed to be for. I can't stand here
		talking all day.

Stephen		Now there's an idea.

Hugh		Definitely an idea there.

Stephen		A society for people who can't stand here
		talking all day.

Hugh		All day and all night.

Stephen		I think that would be a very popular society ...

Hugh		Flock to join that society ...

Stephen		When you think of all the people who knock on
		your door.

Hugh		Knock on your bell ...

Stephen		Jehovah's witnesses ...

Hugh		Witnesses to the Jehovah's incident ...

Stephen		Charity collectors ... estate agents ... small boys
		wanting their ball back ...

Hugh		The ball which accidentally went over the fence
		back ...

Stephen		Could we interest you in joining that society?

Woman		I'm going to shut the door now.

Stephen		Excellent.

Woman		What?

Stephen		Shutting the door indicates a definite interest in
		joining a society for people who can't stand here
		talking all day ...

Hugh		Total commitment to the society.

	She slams the door. Cut to a shot of them outside 
	the door.

Stephen		Well that's one member for our society, then ...

Hugh		One member for definite member ...

Stephen		Shall we try next door?

Hugh		Next door, why not?

Stephen		He just picked me up and
		slapped me. Really hard. I cried
		and cried, but he wouldn't take
		any notice. Then he put a plastic
		tag round my wrist, cut my
		umbilical cord and put me in a
		cot. It was awful.