Spies/Pulse
Spies/Pulse
Hugh enters Control's office. Stephen appears to be
taking his own pulse.
Hugh Hello, Control. (No reply) Control? Are you all
right? You appear to be taking your pulse.
Stephen I am a Russian spy, Tony. That's what I am.
Hugh I beg your pardon?
Stephen I plan to overthrow the Queen.
Hugh Control, this is a bit of a surprise. All the more
so because you're actually the head of the British
Intelligence.
Stephen I aim to undermine the entire Western way of life.
Hugh Mmm. Before you do that, I'll go and telephone
the relevant authorities. And as a precaution,
please don't open any more letters.
Stephen No, it's all right Murchison. I'm not really a
Russian spy.
Hugh Now Control. You mustn't say that just to spare
me the paperwork.
Stephen No honestly, Tony, I'm really not a Russian spy.
And you were right, by the way. I was taking
my pulse.
Hugh I thought as much. Because you were gripping
your wrist lightly but firmly and counting to
yourself.
Stephen You see, our American counterparts have invented
a new machine called a lie-detector, that let's you
know when people are telling you fibs.
Hugh Surely that would be rather useful for people in
our line of work, Control?
Stephen Exactly, Tony. The machine works on the well-
known scientific principle that when someone's
telling you a fib, their pulse speeds up.
Hugh Gosh, Control, how incredibly ingenious but at the
same time how quite simple.
Stephen Sadly however, these machines are rather
expensive to buy.
Hugh Oh dear. Our American counterparts do often
seem to have lots more money to spend than we
do, don't they, Control?
Stephen Yes, but what they have in money, I like to think
we make up for in British know-how.
Hugh I'm not quite following, Control.
Stephen Well, Tony, at a fraction of the cost I have come up
with this lie-detector.
Indicates (stop-watch).
Hugh A stop-watch, of course! It cuts out the need for
expensive and cumbersome equipment.
Stephen When I told you I was a Russian spy, I was telling
a deliberate fib.
Hugh Ah. You wanted to see if your pulse got faster?
Stephen That's right.
Hugh Did it?
Stephen No.
Hugh Oh dear. If your pulse didn't speed up, that must
mean ...
Stephen Yes. When I said I was a Russian spy, I must have
been telling the truth.
Hugh Mm. So on the very first try of this technique
you've discovered that you, the Head of British
Intelligence, are a Soviet agent.
Stephen That's right. And Tony?
Hugh Control?
Stephen The £9.50 that it cost me to buy that stop-watch
turns out to have been money well spent.
Hugh Gosh, Control. The implications of your discovery
are considerable.
Stephen Aren't they, Murchison? The Minister will be ever
so pleased.
Hugh Mmm. Don't you think we ought to test the
technique again, just to make sure?
Stephen Good idea. We don't want to go round boasting
that we've discovered that I'm a top level Russian
spy unless we're absolutely certain.
Hugh My thoughts exactly, Control.
Stephen All right, Tony, you tell me a fib, and I'll see if your
pulse goes up.
Stephen takes Hugh's pulse.
Hugh Hmm. Let's see if I can think of something that
isn't true. Oh yes, I know. My name is Susan
Donovan.
Pause. Stephen counts and then withdraws his hand.
Stephen Well, that seems to prove it.
Hugh Really?
Stephen Yes, Susan, really.
Hugh Mm. (Pause) Control?
Stephen Yes, Susan?
Hugh Why don't we go back to our old way?
Stephen You mean ... ?
Hugh Yes. The good old British Secret Service method
of finding out if someone is telling you a fib or not.
Stephen All right. You first. Is your name Tony Murchison?
Hugh (Holding up hand) Yes. Cub's Honour.
Stephen My turn.
Hugh Are you a Russian spy?
Stephen I am not a Russian spy, cross my heart and
hope to die.
Hugh Phew!
Stephen Glad we're all sorted out again.
Hugh Me too! You know what, Control?
Stephen What, Tony?
Hugh I'm going to bring you a cup of nice coffee
now ...
Makes to leave. Stops and smiles at Control.
... and that's the truth!
Stephen Boh!
VOX POP
Stephen (As woman) I've always loved
that story.
