Anal Retention

	Hugh is on a couch. Stephen sits beside him 


Stephen		So, Mr Sedelmayer, you believe yourself to be
		anally retentive?

Hugh		Not half.

Stephen		Not half. No, I imagine not half. Now
		anal retentiveness is a complex condition,
		Mr Sedelmayer. What gave you the idea that you
		were suffering from this problem?

Hugh		A book.

Stephen		A book? Well, well, well, well, well. A book on
		psychiatry?

Hugh		First World War Biplanes.

Stephen		First World War Biplanes. It was a book on First
		World War Biplanes that led you to believe that
		you were anally retentive?

Hugh		That's right.

Stephen		Mm. I must say I can't pretend to understand you
		- not without going to Drama School and taking
		an expensive course of lessons in how to pretend
		to understand someone.

Hugh		Well it's like this. I'd just come in from the garden
		for a cup of tea and ...

Stephen		Please, Mr Sedelmayer, I'm not a machine.

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Stephen		A little slower, if you please.

Hugh		Oh right. I sat down on this chair ...

Stephen		Well, get on with it.

Hugh		Right. I sat down on this chair.

Stephen		This chair?

Hugh		No, no. The chair in my kitchen. And as I sat
		down I noticed that on the chair was this book all
		about First World War Biplanes and I sat down
		and had a cup of tea, nice cup of tea, very nice,
		the tea wasn't the problem, no sir, the problem
		was that when I got up I noticed that the book
		wasn't there.

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		It wasn't anywhere, you see. It had vanished.
		That's when I realised that I'd retained it.

Stephen		You'd retained it.

Hugh		Correct.

Stephen		Anally?

Hugh		Of course anally. Of course. What other
		explanation could there be?

Stephen		You tell me, Mr Sedelmayer.

Hugh		No.

Stephen		All right. Now this chair. Describe it to me.

Hugh		Oh you know, a chair. A kitchen chair. Made in
		Hungary.

Stephen		A Hungarian kitchen chair. My oh my. And where
		is this chair now?

	Pause.

		Where is this chair now?

Hugh		Isn't it obvious? I sat down again, you see, because
		I was shocked by the disappearance of the book on
		First World War Biplanes, and when I got up ...

Stephen		No chair?

Hugh		Vanished. Gone.

Stephen		Retained ... by you ...

Hugh		Anally.

Stephen    	Anally. Yes. I see. So the disappearance of
		a book on First World War Biplanes and a
		Hungarian kitchen chair have forced you to the
		conclusion ...

Hugh		Oh they're not all.

Stephen		Oh lordy Belgrano. You mean there's more?

Hugh		Much more. Look out of the window.

Stephen		Mr Sedelmayer, I am a man of science, I haven't
		time to look out of windows.

Hugh		Please.

Stephen		Very well.

Hugh		I came here today by car.

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		I've never been one for public transport. Too
		many germs. I came here today in a blue Vauxhall
		Carlton, purchased from Howden, the Used Car
		Dealers, for a pretty sum ...

Stephen		On the Bardon Road?

Hugh		That's it. Big place, with a lot of cars. They're
		dear, mind, but they give you peace of mind.

Stephen		And you can't put a price on that.

Hugh		Well, £6,299 was the price they managed to
		put on it.

Stephen		Right, yes. Good, excellent. So you came in your
		Carlton, parked ...

Hugh		Exactly. I parked, got out of the vehicle, turned
		round to effect the security procedure ...

Stephen		To wit ... ?

Hugh		To wit, locking the door ... and what do you
		think met my gaze?

Stephen		Nothing?

Hugh		You've got it in one. The blue Vauxhall Carlton
		had, in effect, been retained by me.

Stephen		I see.

Hugh		So I suppose what I'm asking in my stumbling,
		hopeless fashion is, what can I do?

Stephen		Well it wouldn't hurt to take the bus just once ...

Hugh		No, no, no. You misunderstand me for comic
		effect. I mean what am I to do about my anal
		retentiveness?

Stephen		Well now, Mr Sedelmayer, I could lie to you. It
		would be ridiculously easy just to tell you a lot of
		lies ... in fact that's what I think I'll do. You're
		fine, Mr Sedelmayer, you've got absolutely nothing
		to worry about.

Hugh		Goodness me, that's a relief.

Stephen		And if you're worried about your car -

Hugh		Not particularly, it was insured.

Stephen		Oh that's all right then. I was going to suggest a
		couple of pints of kaolin and morphine and a bowl
		of prunes, but if it's insured ...