Shoplifting

	Stephen is sitting at a desk in a dingy office. Hugh and 
	a woman enter. Hugh is a supermarket security guard,
	she is a housewife.


Hugh		Come on, in you go.

Woman		There's no need to push. I can walk.

Stephen		Ah. Tango Four, is it?

Hugh		Sorry to bother you, Mr Turner. It looks like we've
		got a ten twenty-three on our hands.

Woman		Will you let go of my arm?

Stephen		A ten twenty-three, oh dear.

Woman		You have absolutely no right to keep me here.

Stephen		Won't you have a seat, Mrs ... ?

Hugh		Target responds to the name of King, sir.

Stephen		All right, Tango Four, let's have your report.

Hugh		Sir. As per your briefing instructions, I was
		positioned in aisle number three, between
		breakfast cereals and bread, operating a mobile
		figure of eight pattern around frozen vegetables.

Stephen		Textbook stuff, Tango Four.

Hugh		Thank you, sir. I then observed the target loitering
		opposite the Coco Pops.

Woman		Look, I have to pick up my children at four
		o'clock, so if you ...

Stephen		What's your name, son?

Hugh		Lewis, sir. Oliver Lewis.

Stephen		This your first taste of action?

Hugh		Yes, sir.

Stephen		Quite a feeling, isn't it?

Hugh		Oh yes, sir. Quite a feeling.

Stephen		I remember my first ten twenty-three. 1968. Still
		had me bum fluff.

Woman		Look, I'm sorry to interrupt, but my children are
		waiting for me at school ...

Stephen		My advice to you, Mrs King, is to pay a little more
		attention to your own problems just at the minute!
		(To Hugh) Doesn't hurt to shake 'em up a bit
		early on.

Hugh		It's joy to watch you, sir.

Stephen		Come come, my dear, dry those tears. Hanky?

Woman		No thank you.

Stephen		(To Hugh) Hard, then soft, you see?

Hugh		Beautiful, sir.

Stephen		Now then, Mrs King, I'm going to tell you a story.

Woman		Oh God.

Stephen		One day a woman goes into a supermarket and
		steals some Coco Pops. Do you like my story,
		Mrs King?

Woman		Not really.

Stephen		I'm pretty near the mark though, aren't I?

Woman		No.

Hugh		She's lying, sir!

Stephen		All right, Lewis. I think Mrs King and I understand
		each other.

Woman		I don't think we do.

Stephen		After all, lifting a packet of Coco Pops isn't such
		a terrible thing, is it? Not when you look at what
		they get up to at football matches these days. No,
		I'd say that shoving a packet of Coco Pops down
		your cleavage and forgetting to pay for them is just
		being human, after all.

Woman		Have you finished?

Stephen		No, I haven't finished, you snotsucking ball
		of slime.

Woman		Now look here ...

Stephen		No, you look here. See that? Know what
		that means?

	He points to a medal ribbon on his chest.

Woman		No.

Stephen		Tell her, laddie.

Hugh		I'm afraid I don't know either, sir.

Stephen		This is a Distinguished Service Medal, from the
		Arndale Centre in Chippenham!

	He points to a photo on he wall.

		That's me! There! Shaking hands with the
		manager. Read out the citation, Lewis.

Hugh		Right, sir. (Reads) "Harry Turner is congratulated
		on his alertness in apprehending a shoulder of
		lamb - New Zealand."

Stephen		Stolen lamb, Mrs King. Stolen lamb, stolen Coco
		Pops. Comprendo?

Woman		Are you accusing me of theft?

Stephen		Affirmatory, Mrs King!

Woman		Right. (She rootles in her handbag) What do you
		think this is? (Takes out piece of paper)

Hugh		Careful sir, it could be a trap.

Woman		It's a bloody receipt. (Reads) Coco P. 48 pence!

Stephen		Have you got a receipt for that receipt?

Woman		Of course I haven't.

Hugh		Haha!

Stephen		No, course you haven't. 'Cos you nicked it,
		didn't you?

Hugh		Confess, confess! You're from a broken home!

Stephen		Steady, Lewis.

Hugh		Sorry, sir.

Woman		Look, why don't we just call the police?

Stephen		Police. Hear that, Lewis?

Hugh		I did, sir. Very amusing.

Stephen		I shouldn't worry too much about the police,
		Mrs King.

Hugh		Police. Ha. (Spits)

Stephen		A fine body of men, on the whole, but amateurs
		when it comes to analysing the mind of a ten
		twenty-three. I could have joined the police if I'd
		wanted, Mrs King. The money's better of course,
		what with the housing allowance, but in the end I
		said to myself ... "Harry, my boy, you belong with
		the elite."

Hugh		Good on you, sir.

Stephen		Thank you, Lewis. Or may I call you Oliver?

Hugh		I'd be honoured, Harry.

Woman		You pathetic pair of twerps.

Stephen		I'm sorry?

Woman		You sad, crappy, twerps. I'm leaving now.

Stephen		Well I'm afraid we're a long way from finishing
		yet ...

	The woman gets to her feet. Stephen tries to stop her 
	but she disables him with some fancy martial artwork 
	and then throws Hugh across the desk. She exits looking 
	cool. Stephen and Hugh pick themselves up off the floor.

		Yes, you're probably wondering why I let her walk
		out just like that?

Hugh		Well she was obviously innocent, sir.

Stephen		Exactly. Knew it from the start. You get a nose for
		it after a while.

Stephen		Oh yes. All of them. I've slept
		with every single one. Well every
		front-bencher, anyway.