Jewellry

	Hugh enters a jewellry shop. Stephen is polishing the 
	back of his hand, for no particular reason, other than 
	that it is screamingly funny.


Hugh		Er, good morning.

Stephen		Sir, it is a good morning. Sir is handsomely right
		to say so.

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		Is sir aware, I am busy wondering, that I made so
		bold to remark on the goodness of the morning to
		the youngest of my mothers earlier today as she
		wheeled me into an upright position. Was sir in an
		awareness of that?

Hugh		No ... no I had no idea.

Stephen		"Here is a morning, mother of my bosom," I
		averred, "as fine and crisp and gutty as any since
		the days when Compton and Edrich opened for
		England and the sun never went down on the
		British without asking permission first."

Hugh		Ha, did you?

Stephen		I did, sir! Sir, I did. And if two broad-shouldered,
		long-fingered men such as ourselves can
		come independently to the conclusion that the
		morning they are currently experiencing is one
		of a goodness, then one of a goodness it must
		assuredly be.

Hugh		Really?

Stephen		Yes, sir, and you can spank me quietly with a
		chamois leather if it isn't so.

Hugh		Right, now ...

Stephen		But sir hasn't come to trade insults on the state of
		the morning unless I am more vastly mistaken than
		a man who thinks Hilaire Belloc is still alive. Do
		sit down.

	They both sit.

Hugh		No, I've ...

Stephen		Sir has brought his handsomely sprung and finely
		wrought young body into this shop with the
		express purpose of going about the business of
		buying jewellry. Am I close to the mark?

Hugh		Absolutely.

	Stephen stands.

Stephen		Do you mind if I stand, sir? I think perhaps this
		"sitting down" idea of yours was a little ahead of
		its time.

Hugh		(Also standing) Right. Yes. The thing is I'm getting
		engaged and I'd ...

Stephen		Would sir like an Opal Fruit?

Hugh		Um ...

Stephen		A nice strawberry Opal Fruit? Or indeed any
		flavour?

Hugh		Thank you.

Stephen		(Reaching for his hat) I won't be long.

Hugh		Where are you going?

Stephen		There's a sweet-shop not half a mile up the road. I
		happen to know that they sell Opal Fruits.

Hugh		Well in that case, really don't bother.

Stephen		Don't bother?

Hugh		No, really.

Stephen		Is sir in absolute possession of sureness in this
		regard?

Hugh		Look. I really only came in here for jewellry, I
		thought if you happened to have an Opal Fruit on
		you ...

Stephen		(Feeling about on the top of his head) "On" me? Sir
		I have no Opal Fruit "on" me. I can and will go
		further, I have never had an Opal Fruit on me.
		Eccentric, no doubt. Look, sir can search my head
		if sir in unconvinced.

Hugh		Look, forget the Opal Fruit. The Opal Fruit is
		irrelevant. I want an engagement ring. Can we
		concentrate on that?

Stephen		Sir, I am chastened and bowed. Ever the man of
		affairs, sir has reminded us all, all of our duty. An
		engagement ring for sir.

Hugh		That's right.

Stephen		What flavour of engagement ring had sir in mind?

Hugh		Flavour? What are you talking about?

Stephen		Just my little joke. You'll humour a dying man.
		We have a range of engagement rings that I would
		ask sir to cast over with sir's eyes, which I cannot
		help but notice are of a startling cobalt blue that
		would go very well with the wallpaper in one of my
		god-niece's back rooms.

Hugh		(Leaving) Right, that's it. I'm leaving.

	Stephen comes round with a range of engagement rings 
	and blocks Hugh's egress.

Stephen		What about this one?

Hugh		What?

Stephen		What about this one?

Hugh		It's rather nice, I suppose.

Stephen		Sir, the issue of the rather niceness of this
		particular ring has been raised in Prime Minister's
		Question Time.

Hugh		How much is it?

Stephen		I would be wrong to let it go for more than forty
		thousand of your earth pounds.

Hugh		Forty thousand pounds!

Stephen		I would be equally at fault if I let it go for less
		than ninety.

Hugh		So it's between forty thousand pounds and ninety.

Stephen		Sir is as dogged in his pursuit of detail as
		Roy Walker, presenter of the never-popular
		show Catchphrase is dogged in his pursuit of a
		thick earlet.

Hugh		Perhaps you could, in preference to me walking
		out of here after hitting you very hard in the face,
		just tell me the frigging price.

Stephen		Since sir has been kind enough never to be Peter
		Sissons I can let sir have it for two hundred and
		eighteen poundingtons.

Hugh		£218?

Stephen		If you wish. And if sir will oblige me by promising
		never to wear green again I will throw in this for
		nothing.

	He brings out a velvet jewellry tray with a strawberry 
	Opal Fruit as its centrepiece.

Hugh		An Opal Fruit.

Stephen		Yes, indeeding. A fruit of the genuine Opal
		persuasion. Perhaps sir will desist from ripping the
		kidneys from my nerveless frame if I offer him a
		taste to authenticate its strawberriness.

Hugh		No, no. I believe you.

Stephen		May I instead then, pausing only to pause ...

	Pause.

		... congratulate you on your excellent taste?

Hugh		Thank you.

Stephen		Sir, I was talking to the Opal Fruit. Strawberrine
		but with a faint tang of small urine.

Hugh		Yes, yes. Quite so. Two hundred and eighteen
		pounds.

Stephen		Two hundred and eighteen pounds that should be.

Hugh		That's what I said.

Stephen		That's what you said. I barely spoke at all.

Hugh		Just put it in a presentation box if you would.

Stephen		No need. I'll wear it now.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		And I really think you should speak to my father
		now, darling. He's upstairs in the cellar.

Hugh		Right. I really am leaving, now.

Stephen		Leaving?

Hugh		Goodbye.

Stephen		But we're engaged!

	Hugh leaves. Stephen turns to camera.

		Men are such bastards.