Hard Man's Record

Hard Man's Record


	Close-up:

	Car radio, hand on tuning knob.

	Stephen's hand takes file out of briefcase.

	Cut to outside of car. Stephen is putting briefcase on 
	back seat of car. Hugh approaches car, opens door.

	Hugh settles in his seat.

Stephen		Thank you for sparing the time for this.

Hugh		No problem.

Stephen		You admire Gary Davies?

Hugh		Don't get much time for that sort of thing.

Stephen		You should make time, Alan. A man should
		unwind. (Stephen turns off radio) Do you mind if I
		call you Alan?

Hugh		Fine by me.

Stephen		Good. Good. I just find Sally a bit awkward.

Hugh		I quite understand.

Stephen		Excellent. Now then Alan, I've got your record
		in front of me and it makes impressive reading.
		You've certainly knocked about the world a bit
		haven't you?

Hugh		Well, you know ... I've knocked about the
		world a bit.

Stephen		Sorry. I meant to say "you've done a lot of
		travelling". You've done a lot of travelling, haven't
		you, Alan?

Hugh		Well, you know, I've knocked about the world a
		bit.

Stephen		Yes, you certainly have. But I'd like if I may to fill
		in one or two gaps, take a few side bearings, rough
		out some contours, OK with you?

Hugh		Fine.

Stephen		OK. '65, '66, you ran guns out of Macao using a
		refitted Dutch trawler.

Hugh		I can still smell those damn herring.

Stephen		'68 you popped up on the Ivory Coast smuggling
		refugees out of Nigeria. The following year there
		was that nasty caper with the Rhodesian mining
		company, and then in 1970 you became the reserve
		team coach for Oxford United. Correct?

Hugh		You've done your homework.

Stephen		But then, Alan, we seem to lose you. There's a
		gap, a hole, you appear to have vanished for four
		years. Four years is a long time in our business.

Hugh		You still haven't told me what that business is.

Stephen		Nor yet have I. A four year gap, Alan, until we
		find you cropping up again, this time in Indonesia,
		playing both ends against the middle in their
		civil war. From then on it's a series of apparently
		unrelated appearances, working with Uruguayan
		customs, a supply teacher in Maidstone, crop-
		spraying in Rawalpindi, Home Secretary in the last
		Labour government and then a short spell as Nigel
		Pargiter in the Archers.

Hugh		Someone had to do it.

Stephen		Oh yeah, sure.

Hugh		All right. Now it's my turn, okay? I've got to tell
		you I don't like being rung up by strange people
		I've never met before and having files read out at
		me. I don't like being asked questions by men in
		grey suits, yeah? Now why don't you tell me just
		exactly what is going on and who in blazes you are?

Stephen		(Chuckling at the file) Oh it's all true. Insubordinate,
		impertinent, imprisoned twice for striking
		a senior officer, a rebel, a trouble-maker, a
		loner, an independent, a conniver, a misfit, a
		maverick, a trickster, an inveigler, a shyster, a
		shuffler, a shammer, an adventurer, a cozener, a
		thimblerigger, a pettifogger, a bilker ...

Hugh		Get to the point.

Stephen		All right. We need a man, Alan. We need a man
		with exceptional abilities, a man with a record
		of success against all the odds, a man with the
		courage to try his hand at the impossible.

Hugh		Go on.

Stephen		We want you, if you can, to sit down and watch an
		entire episode of The Krypton Factor.

Hugh		You're out of your mind.

Stephen		Listen to me, Alan. It's never been done. No one
		has ever watched the programme from start to
		finish, and we desperately need someone to do it.
		Sure, we've all seen bits, but no one has ever gone
		the distance.

Hugh		If I don't make it, you'll see that Judy's taken
		care of.

Stephen		Of course, Alan, of course.

Hugh		See you in hell.

	Hugh gets out of the car.

Stephen		What a man.
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