Psychiatrist

	Hugh enters a psychiatrist's surgery or studio, or office 
	or whatever they call them.


Stephen		Good morning, Mr Meddlicott is it?

Hugh		Yes. You look a bit young to me. Still, I suppose
		you'll do.

Stephen		Well, that's nice. Now, I shall call you Arthur,
		if I may.

Hugh		You may not. You'll call me Mr Meddlicott.

	Stephen raises his eyebrows.

Stephen		Very well. So why are you here, Mr Meddlicott?

Hugh		Well, why do you think? You're a psychiatrist aren't
		you? I'm not here for dancing lessons or free sex,
		I've come to be cured.

Stephen		Cured of what?

Hugh		For heaven's sake man, do I have to teach you
		your job? Madness of course. I'm slightly mad and
		I'd like you to cure me. "Of what?" Tt!

Stephen		You're mad?

Hugh		Yes! Am I going to have to repeat everything twice?
		Now I'm a busy man, so if you just get on with
		it, I'd be very grateful.

Stephen		Would you like to tell me why you think you're
		mad?

Hugh		Oh what is this, some sort of game? Do you
		imagine I've got time to waste thinking I'm mad?
		I am mad. Just take my word for it, will you, and
		let's have a little less lip.

Stephen		So how does this madness of yours manifest itself?

Hugh		At half past four every day I do something wierd.

Stephen		Go on.

Hugh		Go on what. I'm waiting for half past four,
		aren't I?

Stephen		(Looks at clock) It's four thirty-three.

Hugh		I can see that. I'm running four minutes late today
		on account of your incessant yakking.

	Pause.

Stephen		(Looks at clock) Four thirty four.

Hugh		Right. For heaven's sake, watch closely.

	Hugh takes off his shoes, then removes a piece of bread 
	from either jacket pocket and puts a piece in either shoe.

Stephen		You take off your shoes. And you put a piece of
		bread in each one.

Hugh		I know I do. What is your problem?

Stephen		Do you leave the bread there?

Hugh		Leave it there? Of course I don't leave it there.
		Are you some kind of idiot?

Stephen		Please go on. What happens next?

Hugh		I take the bread out of my shoes and hide it in my
		secretary's handbag. Then at four thirty-one, I take
		it out of her handbag and throw it in the bin.

Stephen		But you won't be doing that today, because your
		secretary's not here.

Hugh		Oh, give the man a bloody medal.

Stephen		So. (Pause) That's it, is it?

Hugh		Oh, I'm sorry, it's not enough for you. You'd
		rather I wrapped myself in bacon rind and
		pretended to be Florence Nightingale, would
		you? Well I'm sorry I'm as mad as I am. But no
		madder.

Stephen		Why do you think wrapping yourself in bacon rind
		would make you look like Florence Nightingale?

Hugh		Wh ... I ... are you an imbecile? I don't think
		anything of the kind.

Stephen		Florence Nightingale never wrapped herself in
		bacon rind.

Hugh		(Angry and trying to explain) I know she bloody
		didn't. BUT-IF-I-WAS-MADDER-THAN-I-
		AM-I-WOULDN'T-KNOW-WOULD-I-YOU-
		HALF-WIT.

Stephen		I see.

Hugh		So. What are you going to do about this madness
		of mine?

Stephen		Nothing. I don't think you're mad at all.

Hugh		You think it's perfectly usual to put bread in your
		shoes? On a daily basis. That's normal practice in
		your foul part of the world?

Stephen		You're welcome to a second opinion of course, but
		I don't think you're mad. Eccentric, certainly.

Hugh		And this is what we pay our psychiatrists for, is it?
		Well let me tell you, I shall write a very stiff letter
		to the Daily Mail about this. Now, cure me of my
		madness or I won't put my shoes on. Ever.

Stephen		(Sharply) You write letters to the Daily Mail ?

Hugh		Not exclusively the Daily Mail. Sometimes the Sun 
		or the Mirror.

Stephen		And they are published?

Hugh		Of course.

	Stephen springs to his feet and goes over to his desk,
	picks up a copy of the Sunor Mirror.

Stephen		Is this one of yours? "A good way to prevent your
		money being stolen is to ..."

	Hugh joins in.

Hugh		"Keep it in a special pocket sewn into your coat."

Stephen		You're Mrs June Ellis of Stockport?

Hugh		Naturally.

Stephen		(Reading from Mirror) What about this ... "Why
		aren't -"

Hugh		"- bus conductors more friendly? A smile a day
		keeps the doctor away. And it's free too!"

Stephen		Chest size?

Hugh		Forty-two.

Stephen		Stay here. I'll get your strait-jacket.

Hugh		God the lengths you have to go to in this country
		to prove you're mad.

Stephen		A Bonnie Langford concert?
		Hmm. I think I'd rather be gang-
		raped by the House of Lords.