The Cause
The Cause
Hugh and Stephen are in a London club sort of place.
Stephen Freddy.
Hugh Oh, good heavens, Jack, I didn't see you there.
Stephen Good evening, Freddy.
Hugh Well, good evening, Jack.
Stephen Now then, Freddy you're a decent sort of chap.
Hugh Well, I, yes, I think so Jack, yes, I try to be a
decent sort of chap, yes.
Stephen Mmmm. Can I ask you a question, Freddy?
Hugh Ask away, ask-a-bloody-way.
Stephen Are you one of us?
Hugh Am I one of us?
Stephen Yes.
Hugh Am I one of us?
Stephen Yes.
Hugh Not entirely sure I understand your question, Jack.
Stephen Let me put it another way.
Hugh Oh, would you Jack, yes, well, I'd be enormously
grateful.
Stephen Do you believe in the cause?
Hugh The cause ...
Stephen The Cause of Freedom.
Hugh Well, Jack I suppose, generally, yes, yes, I do. If
anyone's passing the hat round for freedom, I'll
bung in a quid or two, Jack, yes.
Stephen I thought so, I thought so from the first.
Hugh Yes, I'm one of us Jack, if you want to put it
that way.
Stephen Excellent.
Hugh Phew, well, we got there in the end, Jack, sorted
that one out.
Stephen It gets a bit more complicated now.
Hugh Oh, Lord.
Stephen Would you be prepared to do something in the
cause of freedom?
Hugh What sort of thing, Jack? Jumble sale, hand out
leaflets? What?
Stephen Put a bomb in a restaurant.
Hugh Put a bomb in a restaurant. Ah Crikey. And leave
it there, you mean?
Stephen Leave it there. That's right.
Hugh Yes, yes. You don't mean put it there, have a spot
of lunch and then take it out again?
Stephen No, I mean leave it there.
Hugh Um, until it goes off?
Stephen Precisely. Do you think you could manage that in
the cause of freedom?
Hugh Oh, Jack, Jack, I wonder if you wouldn't mind, sort
of, joining up the dots for me, if you like.
Stephen If it'll make it easier for you.
Hugh I think it will, Jack, I think it will, because unless
I've fainted and missed a whole chunk of the
conversation, um, we've been sitting here, you
and I, having a nice old chat, putting the world to
rights and so on, and then suddenly you're asking
me to put a bomb in a restaurant.
Stephen That's right.
Hugh Those are the two dots I'd like you to join
up, Jack. The nice chat and the bomb in the
restaurant. Join them up for me, there's a
good fellow.
Stephen All right then, Freddy. There are certain people
who do not believe in the cause.
Hugh Don't believe in freedom, you mean?
Stephen That's right.
Hugh Oh, utter swines, and they eat in a particular
restaurant, do they Jack?
Stephen Some of them will be eating in a particular
restaurant on a particular day.
Hugh Ah, well, Jack, sorry to stop you, but, I've an idea,
um, well, you know who these people are, Jack.
Stephen Yes.
Hugh And you know which restaurant they'll be in?
Stephen Yes.
Hugh Right, well, so here's the idea. We go in there, you
and I, Jack and we sit down at their table and we
hammer it out with them face to face. What do
you say?
Stephen Fight them, you mean?
Hugh No, no, no, Jack, no: argument. You're a persuasive
fellow, Jack - I bet we could sit down at their table
over the soup, and you could talk and I'll back you
to the hilt and I bet you anything we could have
them believing in freedom by the time the pudding
arrives. What do you say Jack?
Stephen I don't think that'll quite do.
Hugh It won't quite do. Well, all right Jack. How about
this (Laughs) we pretend to put a bomb in the
restaurant.
Stephen Freddy ...
Hugh Yes, Jack?
Stephen I think perhaps ...
Hugh Yes.
Stephen I think perhaps that I was wrong about you.
Hugh No, Jack, no. No you were absolutely right, Jack.
Right as bloody rain, you were.
Stephen Well, then.
Hugh Well Jack, it's just ... I'm just the most awful
duffer at this sort of thing.
Stephen The restaurant is called the Etoile d'Or in Maddox
Street. I suggest you put it behind the lavatory
cistern. But it's up to you.
Hugh Oh, Hell.
Stephen (Gordon) and Hugh (Stuart) are at a
restaurant with their wives.
Hugh They've got a bigger table than we have.
Girl 1 Come on Stuart, this is fine.
Hugh Look, there are two of them and they've got a
bigger table. There are four of us and look at this.
(Bangs table)
Girl 2 Oh Stuart for heaven's sake, a table's a table!
Stephen Darling ...
Hugh Well, Jill, there we differ. To me there are tables
and there are tables. Am I right Gordon?
Stephen Well you know me, Stuart, table is as table does.
Girl 1 At least it's snug, poppet.
Hugh What it is, poppet, is cramped. You should've used
my name when you booked.
Girl 1 Well I did.
Stephen What, Mr Poppet?
(They all laugh at Hugh)
(Hugh enters the restaurant as the character from the
club, clutching briefcase with bomb in it)
Waiter Good evening, sir.
Hugh Good evening. A table for bomb please.
Waiter Excuse me?
Hugh (Laughing hysterically) A table for one. Sorry ... bit
nervous. I've never actually eaten a meal before.
Waiter Well, you have chosen the perfect place to start.
Follow me please.
(Cut back to Gordon and Stuart)
Stephen So what did we think of the show?
Girl 1 Loved it. Thought it was really nice.
Stephen Me too. High quality entertainment.
Hugh I'm going to come right out and say it. To
me, Jeffrey Archer is the finest playwright this
country's turned out since William Shakespeare.
Stephen That's a hell of a statement, Stu.
Hugh Well let me go one further, Gordon. To me, Jeffrey
Archer delivers.
Stephen Oh the guy can write, no question.
Girl 2 Delivers, does he?
Hugh I beg your pardon, Jill?
Stephen Come on darling, you know what he means.
Hugh No, it's all right thank you, Gordon. I can fight
my own battles. What he delivers, Jill, to my mind,
is quality drama ... OK it's a little dangerous
... OK it's not something that your average Joe
punter is going to find all that accessible, but
in the market he's working to he delivers and
Gordon will tell you that's a compliment I use very
sparingly indeed.
Stephen It's true actually Jill, it's true. Stuart is not the
kind of man to bandy the word "deliver" around
the place.
Hugh Thank you Gordon.
Girl 1 Thought the sets were marvellous. They were
really clever. Weren't they poppet?
Hugh Yes, and the costumes were fantastic.
Girl 2 Sorry, they were wearing suits weren't they?
Hugh Well, this is where Jeffrey Archer is so strong you
see ... in his observation. He's observed that in
an office a large number of people wear suits. Isn't
that right, Gordon?
Stephen Absolutely, Stu.
Hugh Well, he's observed that, you see. I mean the guy's
got an eye for detail like well, there's no one like
him in my book.
Stephen To be fair to myself, Stu, I'd observed that people
in offices wear suits too.
Hugh No, no, no you hadn't, Gordon. You can only say
that after you've seen the play. If I'd asked you
before the play what people wear in offices you
wouldn't have had a clue.
Stephen I think I would've said suits.
Hugh No you wouldn't, Gordon.
Stephen I think I would.
(Hugh clicks his fingers at the waiter)
Hugh No you wouldn't. Now wait a minute, look, that
bloke came in after us and they're taking his order.
(Hugh is the character with the bomb, still clutching the
briefcase)
Waiter What would you like, sir?
Hugh Crikey, yes.
Waiter Something the matter, sir?
Hugh Well, how many lavatories have you got here?
Waiter Just one, sir, over there.
Hugh Yes, I've tried that one, it's no good. No bloody
good. It's the cistern, it's too close to the wall ...
you can't get anything between the cistern and the
wall. Oh hell.
Waiter Are you ready to order, sir?
Hugh Order yes, well, to be perfectly honest I'm not
awfully hungry.
Waiter Well may I recommend a salad? Perhaps a smoked
chicken salad? It makes a perfect light meal.
Hugh Yes that sounds awfully good. Tell you what
though, instead of that I think I'll just have a glass
of water.
Waiter Just a glass of water, sir?
Hugh Lord no, make it a bottle. Or tell you what, half a
dozen bottles. I mean you only live once don't you.
Waiter Very good, sir.
Hugh Oh hell.
(Stephen is a waiter. He goes to a table where a man
sits alone)
Stephen Good evening, sir.
Man Good evening. I'd like to order some soup to start.
Stephen Wait a minute, good Lord, you're Keith Bennett
aren't you? The government minister?
Man Well, as a matter of fact I am.
Stephen I thought so, I knew it. Oh Mr Bennett, this is
wonderful. I have to say I'm a great admirer of you
and your policies.
Man Really?
Stephen Definitely. Can I recommend the halibut by the
way. It comes with a nice black butter sauce.
Man Thank you.
Stephen You steered that broadcasting bill through the
House of Commons didn't you?
Man I did indeed.
Stephen Brilliant, quite brilliant.
Man Well I must say this is really most gratifying. So
you really do admire my politics?
Stephen Yes well, most people don't like you then?
Man Well, you know how it is, we aren't always the
most popular of people, we politicians.
Stephen Yes, you must get used to people calling you a
complete dickhead I suppose.
Man No, not exactly.
Stephen That speech you made about deregulating
broadcasting ... oh, I cheered for you that night.
We must strive to offer the consumer a far greater
range of choice, for too long broadcasting has been
in the grip of a small elite. We must expand and
offer more choice.
Man Good heavens, you've remembered it word
for word.
Stephen Well, it was masterly stuff ... oh my God, your
cutlery ... a silver knife and fork, I can't believe
it. (Removes cutlery)
Man Those are rather nice. They're not dirty are they?
Stephen That this should happen to you of all people. I'm
so sorry, I'll be right back.
Man But they were fine ...
(Cut back to Gordon and Stuart)
Girl 1 Of course, Moulinex. All the way through I was
trying to think where I'd seen that actress before.
She's the one in the Moulinex advert.
Stephen Oh that's right, the one about the blender.
Hugh What, the wife?
Girl 1 Sorry?
Hugh The actress who plays the wife? She's in some
sort of advert at the moment, is she? Hello! Laura,
wake up! The actress in the play who was playing
the wife that we just saw tonight - you're saying
she's in an advert at the moment?
Girl 1 The wife ...
Stephen Actually she was playing his daughter.
Hugh Hold on, I'm probably getting her confused with
someone, wait a minute ... (Looks at programme)
Girl 2 There was only one woman in the play, Stuart.
Girl 1 And she was his daughter, Poppet.
Stephen That was sort of the idea of the entire evening.
Hugh Yes, daughter. What did I say?
Stephen You said wife.
Hugh Did I? This table is definitely smaller you know
... I mean all those other ones ...
Stephen Look, that man over there, he's in the government.
Isn't he a cabinet minister or something?
Girl 1 Keith Bennett.
Hugh Got it! Roy Hattersley, you're quite right, Gordon.
(Stephen as waiter)
Stephen I do apologise.
Man Apologise for what? The fork and knife were fine.
Stephen Oh it's very kind of you, sir, but I absolutely
insist ...
(Pours bag of plastic coffee stirrers into man's lap)
Man What's this?
Stephen Your cutlery, sir.
Man But these are plastic coffee stirrers.
Stephen Yes I know, but at least you've got the choice now.
I mean they may be complete crap but you've got
the choice ... that's what's important, the choice
... (Starting to shout and strangle man)
(Cut back to Gordon and Stuart)
Girl 2 That politician man's being strangled by a waiter.
Hugh At least he's got a decent size table.
Stephen Anyway to return to the play I have to say that
although the acting was really good ...
Girl 1 Marvellous acting.
Stephen I do think the play would've benefitted from having
a Paul Eddington in it.
Girl 2 A Paul Eddington?
Stephen Well ideally, the Paul Eddington.
Girl 1 Isn't he wonderful?
Hugh Well you see the thing about Paul Eddington of
course is his timing.
Stephen His timing is just so ...
Hugh Well it's the timing of a master.
Stephen A friend of mine's sister married Paul Eddington's
doctor.
Hugh You never told me that, Gordon.
Stephen Well, you know, one doesn't like to boast.
Apparently it's well known that Paul Eddington has
the second best timing in the business, after Nigel
Havers.
Girl 2 What is timing, exactly?
Hugh Well, it's a bit difficult to explain to a woman, Jill,
but timing is basically the magic ingredient that
Paul Eddington's got.
(Paul Eddington comes in)
Girl 1 What is it?
Paul Eddington Yes, I'd like to know that too, I must say.
Stephen I know your doctor's brother-in-law.
Paul Eddington How nice.
Hugh We were just explaining to our wives that you've
got about the best timing in showbusiness.
Paul Eddington After Nigel Havers.
Hugh Level with us, Paul, would you class your timing as
good, very good, extremely good or immaculate?
Paul Well ...
(Cut back to Hugh as the character with the bomb)
Hugh Hello, look, excuse me everyone, sorry to bother
you and all that sort of filth ... nearly forgot,
long live freedom ... the thing is there's a bomb
... yes I know, rotten isn't it ... the thing is it is
about to go off so you might like to leave.
(Everyone runs out)
That's right, this way. Crikey, my bill!
(Bomb explodes)
Cut to Where Eagles Dare.
VOX POP
Stephen It was just so funny. It was just
so bloody funny. I literally died.
It was bloody brilliant actually.
No seriously, it was really funny,
actually.