Ironic Self-Defence

Stephen		We live, don't we, in an increasingly age. Where
		once the village post office, a mug of Horlicks,
		Bing Crosby songs and a Kenneth More film were
		the only things the average Britain had to fear,
		nowadays every alleyway can conceal a threat, every
		encounter a violent confrontation, every telephone
		call an erotic nightmare. Arnold.

Hugh		That's right. It has become increasingly and
		abundantly that unscrupulous people have traded
		on the fear that now stalks the streets. Open any
		local newspaper or give-away sheet and you can
		read advertisements for self-defence classes in
		hai-ki-doh, ken-doh, play-doh, judo and a whole
		stain of martial arts. But people who answer the
		threat of violence with real violence of their own
		often find that it is they who end up in court, not
		their assailants. Nerelle.

Stephen		That's right. If you live in the Boroughbridge area
		of North Yorkshire you might have read this article
		in your local copy of the Helperby and Cundall
		Advertiser.

		Voice-over: "Discover Dr Patrick Fisher's amazing
		new key to non-violent self-defence. Repel
		mugger, rapists, attackers, insurance-salesmen,
		burglars, Christians and house-breakers without
		harm or fear of prosecution. Simply send £3.00 for
		Fisher's Guide To Non-Physical Violence." Dwoyne.

Hugh		Thanks. Well, we're never one to resist a challenge
		so we duly sent off for Dr Fisher's book. Fwith.

Stephen		That's right. Moylinda.

Hugh		The "book" turned out to be this. (Holds up flimsy 
		pamphlet) The secret method that Dr Fisher
		recommends? Well, it seems that there are two
		basic approaches.

	Hugh & Stephen read them alternately, starting with 
	Stephen.

Stephen		"1. The Flirty Come-on."

Hugh		"2. The Disorientating Remark." Testina.

Stephen		Thanks. So we decided to try this method out for
		ourselves. F-f-f-f.

Hugh		Yes indeed. We went out into Chichester's
		notorious East Gate and waited for the inevitable
		assault.

Caption		"1. The Flirty Come-on."

	Hugh is loitering on a bench, an expensive-looking 
	briefcase on his lap. He is counting the money in 
	his wallet.

	A mugger sidles up next to him and whips out a knife.

Mugger		(Waving it under his nose) You know what this is?

Hugh		Yes. I do actually. Sweet of you to try and help me
		out, but I do actually know what it is.

Mugger		Right. Wallet.

Hugh		Wall ... oh for heaven's sake you're mugging me.

Mugger		That's right.

Hugh		Oh, now you've ... oh. Of all the people here ...
		you've picked on little old me. I don't know what
		to say. I think I'm going to cry.

Mugger		Wallet.

Hugh		Of course, of course. Hold on, I'll just take the
		money and things out first, otherwise you'll have to
		lug them around all day, and there'll be no room
		for your own stuff.

Mugger		Look, get a move on.

Hugh		Oh sorry, of course. You've got things to do, of
		course you have, and here's me nattering away
		twelve to the dozen.

Mugger		Oh forget it.

Caption		"2. The Disorientating Remark."

	Stephen is in an alleyway, he bends down to tie his 
	shoe-laces. A man comes up from behind.

Man		Right. Do as I say and you won't get hurt. Lie
		down in that corner and drop 'em.

Stephen		I had an Uncle Geoffrey that looked just like you.
		He wasn't so old then and tasted slightly wider.

Man		Did you hear what I just said?

Stephen		I've got a note from matron you know.

Man		What?

Stephen		Unless you go away from here and leave me alone
		completely I'll write a poem in Lebanese and send
		it straight to Gary Lineker's doctor.

Man		Just get down in that corner.

Stephen		(Shouting) My name is an anagram of the
		Metropolitan Police and unless you stay here and
		do exactly as you tell me your breasts will become
		the property of Gerald Kaufman.

Man		(Pushing Stephen to the floor and unbuckling his belt) I
		said GET DOWN!

Stephen		Right-o. Fair enough. I should just mention
		though, that you can't fit quicker than a
		Kwikfit Fitter.

	Back to studio.

Stephen		So. A warning there. If Dr Fisher's Advertisement
		should find its way into your High Street Give-
		Away Market Trading Advertiser Sheet our advice
		is Trish.

Hugh		That's right. And remember. Dermidge.

Stephen		So, until. It's.

Hugh		Bye.

Stephen		Well I was given one of those
		personal organisers, so when I
		went into work everyone said
		"You're a bit of a yuppie!!!" It
		was so funny. Because yuppies
		are those new people you know
		who are very trendy. "A bit of a
		yuppie!" Dear oh dear. That's
		probably the funniest thing that's
		ever happened to me.