Countdown to Hell

	We are in the Countdown studio. Stephen is Richard 
	Whiteley. Hugh is Hugh.


Stephen		Right ... so ... er ... right. And ... right ... so
		Simon, I think ... right ... it's your choice, I think.

Hugh		(Wetly) Consonant please, Carol.

	A piece of totty puts up a consonant and says its name.

Girl		Right. Consonant. "B".

Hugh		Vowel please.

Girl		"O".

Hugh		Consonant please, Carol.

Girl		"L".

Hugh		Another consonant please.

Girl		And that's "L" again.

Hugh		Vowel please, Carol.

Girl		Another "O".

Hugh		Consonant please.

Girl		"C".

Hugh		Another consonant please.

Girl		"S".

Hugh		And another consonant please.

Girl		"K".

Stephen		All right ... right ... so ... right ... right
		... your countdown starts ... now.

	Music, clock ticking etc. as is.

	The thirty seconds are up.

Stephen		Right ... so ... Simon, how did you get on.

Hugh		Just four I'm afraid.

Stephen		Four, just four. Right, so, Liz, how about you?

Liz		Four as well.

Stephen		Right, four too. So four each there. Very interesting.
		Four each. What was your four Simon?

Hugh		Lobs.

Stephen		Lobs. So, lobs. Right. Lobs. Meaning "lobs" I
		suppose. Lobs. Right well let me "lob" it over
		to you Liz and ask you what you got for your four?

Liz		Look.

Stephen		Look. Look. I think we can allow that. No need
		to "look that one up" in our dictionary. What did our
		guardian of the dictionary find? Anything better?

Gyles		(For it is he) Well now, as a celebrity rather than a
		member of the public, I naturally did rather better
		and came up with "books" for five, or "blocks" for
		six or there is an eight actually.

Stephen		An eight ... right .. an eight ... well that's very
		exciting ... an eight ... and what's your eight?

Gyles		Sloblock.

Stephen		Sloblock. Sloblock. So, sloblock. And what does
		sloblock mean, exactly?

Gyles		Basically, and I'm indebted to Myra Perks of East
		Hell for this jumper, by the way ... basically sloblock
		means balls, the things we keep in our scrotums, or
		by extension something that is rubbish or a pile of
		nonsense. "Oh that's a load of sloblock" you might
		say.

Stephen		Right well let's hope no one thinks this programme
		is "sloblock". Now ... right ... so then ... right
		... it's time for our Conundrum. Thirty seconds
		to solve it and here it comes ... now.

	The conundrum appears. Clock ticks etc. The 
	conundrum is the word "pathetic".

Hugh		I'd like to have children, but it's
		just the thought of the actual ...
		you know ... all that yucky ...
		and they say that giving birth is
		pretty horrible too.