April 2002

The bus was slowing making its way through traffic; everyone was talking about something in their lives. JC was on the phone, Joey and Chris playing Play Station and Lance, was typing away on his laptop. Justin… Justin was looking around at each of them. His eyes got puffy holding the tears in. He wiped his eyes with his hands unnoticed to the rest of the guys. He cleared his throat.

“I can’t do this anymore.” He let out closing his eyes, “I want to stop doing this.” He breathed out quietly not wanting to open his eyes, knowing the guys were staring at him dumbfounded by his words.

JC got off the phone, Chris and Joey turned off the video game, and Lance closed his laptop. They knew something was bothering Justin, he had been going through a hard time, or so they thought. He and Britney just broke up their long relationship. JC moved and sat next to him putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Jus, want can’t you do? What do you want to stop doing?” He asked softly as he rubbed Justin’s back up and down.

Justin shrugged JC off of him, “THIS!” he shouted standing up and pointing around the bus. “I’m tired of doing THIS.” He added slowly making his way towards the back of the bus.

February 2002

Justin looked around the room, things were moving slower then his head was turning, or was it the other way around. The guys took him out clubbing, ‘you only turn 21 once.’ They all smiled stuffing him in a van and taking off. Now it was three in the morning and they were back at the hotel still drinking. Well, most of them were still drinking, Lance and JC called it a night when the got back.

“Hey J” Joey snapped his fingers in front of Justin’s face. “Do you want us to walk you back to your room?” He asked as Justin’s eyes focused on him.

Justin blinked a few times and stood up, leaning a little to the side. “Janet…?” Justin questioned looking at Joey closely then laughing when he realized it was Joey, and not Janet Jackson. “No… No I can make it on my own, thanks though.” He thought as he half walked half stumbled to the door, he didn’t notice Chris left and Joey was the only one left.

“Are you sure?” Joey asked again a little worried for the now 21 year old.

“Nah, I’m good. My room is right next to JC’s room, who is next to Lances, who’s is next to … uh… yeah.” He giggled

“Fine, your room is room 1723, not 1725. Don’t wake JC up, you know how he is when he is drunk and woken up.” Joey sighed as Justin waved a hand at him as he left the hotel room.

Justin stumbled to JC’s door and knocked a few times, before he started to pound on the door. His fist was about to knock again but was grabbed by a firm hand. He blinked hard and let his eyes focus on the figure in front of him. JC was wearing only boxers.

“What is it Jus?” JC asked trying to hide a yawn behind his free hand, his other hand still holding Justin’s fist.

Justin looked at JC, words forming in his mind, but drunkinies coming out of his mouth, JC sighed slightly and moved so Justin could come in. He let the door shut slowly behind him; he stood at the door for a few seconds trying to clear his mind from the alcohol he drank that night. He turned to follow Justin into his hotel room. He had his back to Justin for less than a minute, when he looked at Justin he was sitting on JC’s bed with nothing but boxers on.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” He asked falling backwards on the bed so that he was lying down looking up at the ceiling. “Your room is so pretty, it’s better than mine.” He laughed loudly at something he thought was funny.

“I guess, but there is nothing wrong with your room.” JC stated crawling under the covers.

Justin turned over on his side gazing at JC’s side profile. His eyes roaming over his best friend, he crawled up the rest of the way up the bed.

“You’re not there.” Justin breathed reaching his right hand out and placing it on JC’s chest

JC opened his eyes and turned his head towards Justin. “Wha…”

“Can I kiss you?” Justin asked, with out waiting for an answer his lips softly touched JC’s.

One of Justin’s eyes opened up, and looked around. He closed it, and then opened both his eyes. His breath caught in his throat when he realized that he had a third arm, and two extra legs. He blinked his eyes and tried to clear his head from the drunkenness he was still going through. ‘Why is there a girl in my bed?’ Was what went through his mind, all he could remember clearly was being at the club, getting drunk, coming back to the hotel and drinking more in Joey’s room.

Justin turned his head slightly and saw JC’s face, peacefully sleeping with his body pressed up against Justin, holding him in his arms. His heart stopped as did his breathing. What did I do last night?

“Jus go back to sleep.” JC’s sleep ridden voice softly spoke as his face snuggled deeper into Justin’s neck.

Justin moved slightly at first, and then moves more aggressively waking JC up even more.

“I’m going to be sick.” He panicked pushing JC’s body away from his and ran into the bathroom slamming the door shut.

Justin looked in the mirror, he was a mess, and to him, he just fucked his life up. He puked a few more times before he could stomach leaving the bathroom. By the time he left, JC wasn’t in the hotel room. This caused him even more panic, which again caused him to throw up.

Justin left the bathroom, still no JC. His eyes landed on JC’s cell phone. A few tears fell from his eyes as he grabbed it and dialed his mother’s phone.

“Ma…” Justin cried into the phone as Lynn picked up.

“Justin… Justin what is wrong?” Lynn asked fear in her voice.

Justin let a few more tears out, “I messed up… I… I’m in JC’s room… I messed up…” He cried into JC’s phone

“Baby what happened… Maybe you didn’t do anything, is he there?” Lynn asked trying to get over the heart attack Justin almost caused her.

“I woke up in bed with him… I kissed him, Ma; I kissed him last night…” He trailed off hold back tears of fear. Fear of not knowing if he did in fact mess up last night, or fear of no knowing if he did something he should have done years ago.

Lynn took a deep breath. “Justin you need to calm down. Are you sure you kissed him? Are you for sure?” She asked

“MOM I WAS LYING I BED WITH HIM WHEN I WOKE UP!” Justin yelled closing his eyes, “Yes I’m sure that is one of the things I can remember about last night.” He added in a more quite tone.

“Justin, maybe it is time you came out and told them. You are wearing your self out by hiding the way you are. Those men are supposed to be your closest and best friends. You shouldn’t have to hide who you are from them.” Lynn stated what he already knew.

Justin sniffed his nose a few times and cleared his throat. “Mom it’s not that easy. You know it’s not that easy. I can’t tell my best friend I’ve been in love with him for six years…” Justin trailed off hearing someone enter the hotel room. “I’ll call you back.” He added and hung up the phone.

“Justin…” JC knocked on the bathroom door softly. “I’m coming in…” He trailed off pushing open the door a little.

His head peaked in first and saw Justin sitting in front of the toilet leaning against the bathtub. His cell phone in one hand, eyes blood shot red tear stains running down his face. JC sighed closing the door behind him when he heard Joey’s voice of concern come from the other room.

“Leave me alone.” Justin softly mumbled looking away from JC as he squatted down beside him.

JC put a hand out with two pills and the other hand had a bottle of water in it. Justin slowly took the medication and water. JC sat next to Justin, leaning against the bathtub. They sat there for a few minutes not saying a word to each other. Justin to afraid to speak; JC letting Justin drink the water he gave him. JC stood up and grabbed his bag that he placed in the bathroom before he went to bed the night before. Justin watched him as he dug through it, pulling some pants and a shirt out.

“Put these on. We are all meeting down stairs in an hour to go out for breakfast.” JC gave a fake smile walking to the door.

“I’m sorry.” Justin sighed finishing his water.

Justin stood up and turned on the shower, he looked at JC again. “I’m sorry… for what I did last night. I was…”

“Don’t worry about it. Chalk it up to being way to drunk.” JC cut him off as he left the bathroom.

JC leaned against the bathroom door and looked at Joey.

“How is the kid?” Joey asked looking around at all the clothes lying on the floor. His eyes stopped for a second at Justin’s lying in a pile with JC’s. “Pretty bad I assume or you wouldn’t have gotten drugs from me for him. He was pretty fucked last night. He called me JANET JACKSON!” Joey laughed remembering it.

“Yeah, he is fine. He was crying when I went in there,” JC shrugged his shoulders slightly trying to play it off. He pushed off the door. “Let’s head down stairs.” He added walking to the hotel door.

“Why did he stay here last night anyway?” Joey asked as they left the bedroom door.

“He knocked on my door upset about something. He kept repeating Britney’s name and everything else was slurred.” JC lied