Music to accompany this page:
Reflections, by Diana Ross and the Supremes
This page is an attempt to look upon my life on a daily, or as close to it as I can update it, basis and review it. As of late, I have been in a downward mode and need to pull myself out of it. Possibly be looking at events, writing them on paper and finding/implementing the best solutions, then taking inventory of the good things about the day, and those items that please me, things might turn around. It may all be the perspective in which I view things, or it may be that little black cloud that refuses to leave. Either way, I know that much worse things have occurred in my life, and I got through them. So bear with me, and please, whatever you do, do not laugh or belittle what you read here.
| JULY 3rd | |
| Made me smile: | Nothing. I'm trying really hard to keep tears at bay. |
| What would make me happy right now: | To spend just five minutes with my father. The anniversary of his death is now, and I know that I am feeling sorry for myself, but I still cannot find an answer as to why my father is only the memories that others have told me of, and the limited ones that I have. Cancer is the crappiest answer to that question. I hate it so much! It diseases, mauls, destroys and kills in ways that most people cannot fathom. Why does it have to be the legacy that is handed down? I'm rambling. I'm sorry. |
| Quote: | "No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently."- Unknown |
| What I need right now: | Nothing. I don't believe anymore that expressing what I need will help me achieve it. Is better to just shut up and accept. |
| Today, for myself, I: | Wanted to speak to a friend. Was blown off. Shut up, rather than say something that is unkind and hurtful. |
| Found: |  |
| Problems & Solutions: | Cannot fill this in. I can't begin to explain, or find a solution. My frame of mind is not right to do it at the moment. |
| Thoughts: | I can't say them. They are so ugly and vile. |
| JULY 2nd | |
| Made me smile: | Unfortunately, nothing. |
| What would make me happy right now: | To crawl into a ball in the corner. |
| Quote: | "Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people."- George Bernard Shaw |
| What I need right now: | Something to warm me up. Unable to shake a chill that I've had all day. |
| Today, for myself, I: | Made plans to go to ribfest with a friend. Peter Frampton is the entertainment tonight. Unfortunately, the weather turned, so didn't go. Was probably for the best. Would have been too much walking on my ankle. I need to locate some crutches. |
| Found: | http://home.mem.net/~welk/elvisdiaries.html
The Lost Elvis Diaries - This is an online mystery story, that is separated into sixteen cleverly titled chapters, such as "Raider of the Lost Diaries," "The Spy Who Came in From the Kitchen" and "Love Me Legal Tender." Kinda fun to read. |
| Problems & Solutions: | |
| Thoughts: | A storm is starting to brew. The winds are becoming stronger, and I can feel that rain is going to come with it. The air is so chilly, and I long to be wrapped in flannel and an electric blanket. Although that won't do any good if the power goes out. The electricity in this area goes out so easily. Someone just has to pucker up and blow out some birthday candles, or blow a kiss, and boom! there goes the power for at least eight blocks for a few hours. The dogs can sense when a storm is on the way. They seem to get ansy, and at the first little sound of thunder, Spike is barking. She's not afraid of it, just seems to be answering it's call. I guess that I'm lucky that I don't have dogs that cower and lose bladder control with thunder or lightening occurs. I'd be luckier though if I could find a muzzle small enough to shut Spike's mouth during them. Hmmm...duct tape perhaps? |
| JULY 1st | |
| Made me smile: | Spoke with a cousin, regarding the funeral arrangements for another cousin. We talked for a long time, and it was almost as if she were right here, and we were chatting over a cup of coffee. Even when speaking about serious matters, she is able to conjour up a smile from the other person. |
| What would make me happy right now: | Good question. |
| Quote: | "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."- Bumper sticker |
| What I need right now: | Dare I say vacation, again? Is some wealthy person reading this, that wants to send me on an all expense paid trip? |
| Today, for myself, I: | Worked on my own website. I am usually busy working on clients, and don't take the time to continue on my own. |
| Found: |  |
| Problems & Solutions: | |
| Thoughts: | This is a holiday weekend, which means that for many it is an extended four-day weekend. When I was a child, the holidays were special. Stores shut down for the day, and alot of emphasis was placed on the parade that would begin the day, and the fireworks that would mark it's end. Around here, its difficult to tell that this weekend is any different from the next. There will be a parade and fireworks, but something seems missing. Perhaps it's the anticipation of the upcoming festivities. Maybe society has just changed so much, that it is nothing more than an extended weekend away from work. It saddens me. The Fourth of July has never been a favorite holiday of mine, for personal reasons, but regardless of that it did hold significance that I believed we should all hold dear. When did we loose perspective on what these "days off" mean? Or did I just grow up and loose the magic of them? |
| JUNE 30th | |
| Made me smile: | Had dinner with a friend and her daughter. I know this sounds stupid, but the girl does this silver slug bug thing when she see's a VW Beetle, and it reminded me of simply joys of youth. |
| What would make me happy right now: | To have all the laundry done. For some reason, I felt the need to pull out every bedsheet and towel, and wash them, even though they are already clean. Some have not been used in a while, and I just want them to be extra fresh. |
| Quote: | "Nurture your mind with great thoughts."- Benjamin Disraeli |
| What I need right now: | A vacation. Need it really bad. |
| Today, for myself, I: | Didn't do anything. |
| Found: | http://www.dumblaws.com
Ridiculous laws that are on the books. They have been categorized by state or country, and also have links to dumb criminal acts, and haunted houses throughout the country. Can spend hours browsing through the site. Examples: In Arkansas, a man may legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. In Massachusetts it is illegal to snore unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. In Oregon, it is illegal to use canned corn as fishing bait. In Wisconsin it is illegal to serve apple pie in a public restaurants without cheese. |
| Problems & Solutions: | |
| Thoughts: | I'm on a compulsive run at the moment, and I'm not sure why. It's a little rough getting around with my ankle, and maybe I am trying to punish and hurt myself, by doing things. I know that I need to stay off of it, and let it mend, but suddenly, I feel that everything needs to be done. The cabinets need to be cleaned and reorganized, so now is the time. Instead, I should do something stationary, such as going through bills and medical papers, but it gets to be a bit overwhelming at times, and just depresses me. Guess I prefer the pain in my ankle over that. Have tried to write down the name of each doctor, and the dates, etc., so that double bills, or unwarranted bills do not show up. Set up a worksheet for them on Excel, but my MS Office is funking up. Reloading it is not working, so I'm gonna have to take the comp in, and have it completely reloaded. Ugh! Remove all the things that I don't want strangers seeing, and set up arrangements to do non-comp work for a few days. See why it's easier to just work on the cabinets instead? |
| JUNE 29th | |
| Made me smile: | Looked at the clouds, and they were so white and fluffy amid the most beautiful shade of blue. I didn't want to try to "find" anything in them. It was wonderful to just look and find pleasure in their beauty. |
| What would make me happy right now: | Good question. It's late, and I think that I can hear the bed calling my name. Will feel good to slip between the sheets. |
| Quote: | "Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever."- Unknown |
| What I need right now: | A hot, leisurely flowing shower. mmm |
| Today, for myself, I: | Got Bushy the Lion in a happy meal. |
| Found: |  |
| Problems & Solutions: | |
| Thoughts: | Today, my cousin passed away suddenly. It has me thinking of the last time that I saw him, and realize that it was way too long ago. Unfortunately, it was when his own father had passed on, and I went down to Texas for the funeral. The circumstances were sad, yet at the same time, I enjoyed spending time with him, his wife and one of his sons. I smile when I remember another visit down there and how I had a call from "room service" one day, asking about the order that I had supposably placed. It took me a couple of minutes to catch on, and realize that it was Him. For a while there, I was afraid that four steak sandwiches would be arriving to my room soon! I looked forward to his calls, and they seemed to come at the right times, when I was studying for an exam in college and needed a little break. His texan drawl and cheerful laugh would get me to giggling, and made the world such a wonderful place at that moment. I cannot remember a time in which I went down to Galveston and he didn't come down from upstate. It made me so happy that he and his wife would make the long journey, even if just for the weekend. In some ways, I feel as if I am still not fully comprehending this. I have seen alot of death in my family over the past five or ten years, but they were aunts and uncles, and it was expected due to their age. But a cousin. Just find it hard to believe. I can still see his smile, etched in my mind. |
| JUNE 28th | |
| Made me smile: | Spoke with Sharon, a lady that I used to work with today. She always gets me into giggles, no matter how I am feeling. |
| What would make me happy right now: | For the second package that I mailed, to be found. |
| Quote: | "To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream, not only plan, but also believe." - Unknown |
| What I need right now: | To crawl back into bed and get another two hours of sleep. |
| Today, for myself, I: | Didn't do anything. |
| Found: | The Best Things in Life:
Falling in love. Laughing so hard your face hurts. A hot shower. No lines at the Super Walmart. A special glance. Getting mail. Taking a drive on a pretty road. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. Hot towels out of the dryer. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price. Chocolate milkshake. A long distance phone call. A bubble bath. Giggling. A good conversation. The beach. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter. Laughing at yourself. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. Running through sprinklers. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. Laughing at an inside joke. Friends. Falling in love for the first time. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. Your first kiss. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. Playing with a new puppy. Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping. Having someone play with your hair. Sweet dreams. Hot chocolate. Road trips with friends. Swinging on swings. Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid. Going to a really good concert. Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. Winning a really competitive game. Making chocolate chip cookies! Having your friends send you homemade cookies! Spending time with close friends! Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends... Holding hands with someone you care about. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time. Riding the best roller coasters over and over. Hugging the person you love. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. Watching the sunrise. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking GOD for another beautiful day. |
| Problems & Solutions: | |
| Thoughts: | I'm going absolutely bonkers about the missing package. Am working with a lady from the local post office to try to locate it. She is doing well with providing follow up information, and is checking something else, then will call back again. The lady at the 800 number just rattled things off to me that made no sense, saying that it was still at the local office, then saying that it will arrive today at it's destination. The intended recipient is angry as can be, and I can feel my entire body tensing up in response to this situation. Just when things are starting to move a bit better, a snag comes along. I've got to learn to calm down and buffer things such as this, rather than take it out of my well-being. |
| JUNE 27th | |
| Made me smile: | The dog running down the stairs with a ribbon of toilet paper trailing from her mouth to the bathroom. Ticked me off also, but she looked so happy and pleased with herself that I couldn't help but to smile. |
| What would make me happy right now: | A bowl of Captain Crunch cereal. |
| Quote: | "In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned in life: it goes on." - Robert Frost |
| What I need right now: | Motivation. |
| Today, for myself, I: | Woke up early, but lazed around in bed for a while and pampered myself with some extra rest. |
| Found: | What's Your Star Wars Name?
Your first name: 1. First 3 letters of your 1st name 2. First 2 letters of your last name Your last name: 3. First 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name 4. First 3 letters of the city you were born in. Mine is: Cynla Heind |
| Problems & Solutions: | |
| Thoughts: | I have been told that I don't see myself as another person does, and that I am too down about myself. Self-confidence has slowly deteriorated over the last couple years, and yes, perhaps I am too negative as a result. I have great difficultly finding any worth within myself. If I had to name a good quality at this moment, my mind goes blank. I look at my fingers as I strike the keys and think "I stopped biting my nails and have fingernails that look good." But is that a quality? Why did I stop biting them? Because I wanted to have beautiful hands like a friend of mine. So, in this case, that isn't a good quality. It is not strength within me that made me stop, but is instead, the envy to have what someone else has. Pretty bad, huh? Well, that does make me think for a minute, and yes, I have found one. It's a negative and a positive. And that's passion. I do possess a passion for the things I do, and the manner in which I do them. In times of joy, it reigns, and in times of anger or despair, it blazes boldly. So as I said, a plus and a minus. But for right now, to get on the right foot, I will see it as only a plus. Passion in all things - a good quality within me. |
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