The Cliche Weiss Kreuz Detective Story: Prologue through Part 2

Note: I'm calling Omi 'Takatori Mamoru' because I really needed another Takatori. ^^;;

It was a dark and stormy night as Kudou Yohji sat behind the desk at Kudou and Murase Investigation. The sign was being changed because his fianceè, Murase Asuka, had run off with some bastard named Takatori Masafumi and his other two women.

But on to more pleasant matters. Such as the fact that Yohji was stuck behind a desk when he'd rather be out picking up hot chicks. Or that fact that all of the hot chicks thatvisited the flower shop next door were underaged little teenyboppers who went to drool over that femme Takatori kid and his scrawny little boyfriend.

"Is this Kudou and Murase Investigation?"

WHY did people always feel the need to ask that?! Come on! Didn't the sign SAY 'Kudou and Murase Investigation'? Well, technically, it should have said 'Kudou Investigation' now. The important thing, however, was that Yohji actually had a case! Unless of course it was a girl who was asking for directions to the Koneko no Sumire Ie (that damn flower shop) like last time. The figure, however, looked to be slightly older than the girls that frequented the flower shop- well, over the age of sexual consent, anyway.

"Yes." Yohji said, looking at the red-haired figure over the top of his mirrored sunglasses. The man- Yohji did a double-take as he realized it WAS a man, and not a girl like he'd first thought- that entered. He wore a long black dress, and a fortune's worth of diamonds in various places on his person. "Can I help you?"

Did we mention that this redhead was HOT? Even by Yohji's standards, which were tailored for women, he was a total babe.

"I certainly hope so." The sultry-voiced redhead sat on the edge of Yohji's desk, "You see, my sister has been kidnapped." He reached up to fiddle with the long diamond earring he wore in only one ear. "I need to find her."

"Can you pay?" Yohji asked bluntly. This guy scared him, and more than just a little.

"Hai. My fiancè is quite rich."

"How rich?" God, it would take a lot of money to keep Yohji from running off the first time he saw a babe.

"He's a professional athlete. Needless to say, he makes a lot of money." The redhead narrowed his eyes.

"And your name would be...?" Yohji trailed off, polishing his sunglasses.

"Fujimiya Aya- err, well, it's really Ran, but that's a long story so just call me Aya." Aya looked slightly flustered now. "My fiancè is the soccer player Hidaka Ken. My sister is missing because this scary blood enemy my family has, Takatori Reiji, kidnapped her."

"Takatori? Any relation to Masafumi?" Yohji asked.

"His father. You know him?" Aya looked surprised.

"My girlfriend ran off with him." Yohji complained.

"Ah. Which one's yours?" Aya sounded positively shell-shocked now.

"The one that looks hot in her stupid outfit." Yohji decided randomly.

He didn't have a clue what Asuka was calling herself now, only that it wasn't Murase Asuka. He also didn't know what her stupid outfit even looked like, but that was okay, since Asuka would look hot in anything, in Yohji's eyes.

"Neu, then. You're an unlucky man, Kudou." Aya said sympathetically.

"Tell me about it." Yohji complained, "All the hot chicks go to the flower shop next door! That stupid femme Takatori Mamoru kid and his scrawny little boyfriend are completely unreachable for them, yet all the girls really think that's cute! ARGH!"

"Anyway, will you help me find my sister?" Aya looked at Yohji with sad, sparkly eyes.

"Err... sure." With any luck, this fairy's sister would be really hot.

The next day, it was dark and stormy, but that's okay, since it's always dark and stormy in these detective shows. Yohji left his office wearing a black trenchcoat, black leather pants, a black crop-top, and black sunglasses. Good detectives ALWAYS wore black. If his dark-blond hair hadn't attracted so many chicks (like Asuka), then he would have dyed that black, too.

Yohji looked at the address printed on the card Aya had given him. It was a penthouse apartment in the ritzy section of town, registered in the name of the soccer player Hidaka Ken. Typical- women (or really femme guys, whichever was there at the time) always gave Yohji their significant other's address rather than their own. After all, his reputation as a playboy (er... well, a playboy since Asuka left- or at least, that's the story he was sticking with) preceded him. Yohji steeled himself for an angry boyfriend and rang the doorbell.

"I'm so glad you're here!" Aya gushed as he answered the door, "Now we'll find Aya-chan!"

Aya? But wasn't that the guy's name? Ah, well, it must have been part of that long story he'd been talking about the night before. "Umm... yeah. Sure. Whatever you say." Yohji said nervously.

"Ken's at a major game right now. He's so GOOD!" Aya's face positively glowed as he talked about the soccer player. "I wanted to go see Ken-kun's game, but finding Aya-chan is more important!"

"Erm, okay." Yohji was starting to get *really* weirded out by this guy.

"You have a problem with finding my sister?" Aya asked coldly, suddenly the Ice Princess.

"Uh, no!" Yohji said quickly, "No problem at all!"

"Good." Aya growled, taking out a photograph. "Now. Here's her picture."

"What a babe!" Yohji said admiringly.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Aya half-screamed, pulling a katana from the hammerspace.

"Nothing." Yohji said innocently, pretending to look at his watch. In actuality, he was making sure that the wire didn't stick- damn cheap equipment. Without Asuka around to haggle for him anymore, Yohji got ripped-off a lot. If this freak tried anything, Yohji could have him down in a second with this state-of-the-art monofilament wire.

"Why are you wearing a fake watch?" Aya asked coolly.

"It's not a fake watch!" Yohji made a show of looking indignant.

"Yes, it is. There are no numbers on it." Aya pointed out.

Damnit, where was Asuka when you needed her?

"Shall we go?" Aya suggested, straightening out his long black skirt, "We can take my car."

"All right." Yohji agreed, wondering briefly what kind of car this guy would have.

It was a red Porsche with two bumper stickers, one reading "J-LEAGUE"and the other reading, "I (HEART) MY KATANA." Aya opened the trunk to reveal what looked like a long, thin carseat, and proceeded to strap his katana in like it was a little kid or something.

"They just get weirder and weirder." Yohji muttered as he got into the car.

It was still dark and stormy, but now that the bad guys' headquarters was in the spotlight, lightning and thunder were now visible and audible, respectively. It was absolute hell for the special effects crew, needless to say.

"I'm sick of this!" Schoen griped from where she was hitting a piece of aluminum siding for thunder.

"Shut up and make more thunder." Neu snapped, flickering her flashlight on and off. She'd offered to play Asuka in the fic, but Yohji had gone all gooey, lovey-dovey, and nostalgic upon seeing 'Asuka' again. To keep the readers' sanity, Neu was relegated to the special effects crew. She'd rather be with Masafumi (like the story SAID she was).

Meanwhile, back in the lair of the bad guys....

"But... but... DAD!" Takatori Mamoru wailed. "I don't WANNA join the evil empire! I want to stay here and run the flower shop!" Takatori Reiji was quickly developing a twitch in his left eye.

"Dork." Takatori Hirofumi masked his outburst with a cough. Didn't want Mamoru's little girlfriend- oops, uh, really androgynous boyfriend- to throw him into the walls again for insulting Mamoru.

Naoe Nagi, said girlfriend- oops, uh, really androgynous boyfriend- of Mamoru, had heard. Hirofumi went flying for the thousandth time. Hirofumi had accumulated an almost record number of frequent-flyer miles on Pakistani Airlines, just getting home when Nagi threw him (usually in the general direction of Pakistan, although the people of Honolulu had reported seeing a UFJ- Unidentified Flying Japanese- more than once).

"Listen to me, Mamoru. You. Are. Joining. The. Evil. Empire." Reiji said through clenched teeth. "There is nothing you can do about it, so STOP WHINING!"

"You suck." Mamoru said sullenly.

"Don't use that kind of language with me!" Reiji barked at his son.

"Don't yell at me!" Mamoru exclaimed, eyes wide. "Nagi, are you going to let them yell at me like that?"

"..." Nagi was silent.

"Time for you two to meet the other evil minions." Reiji was all business now. "Schuldich! Crawford! Farfarello! Tot!"

"Damn, talk about the peanut gallery." Nagi muttered when he saw the four 'evil minions.' To him, it looked like three gaijen and some little girl with a stuffed rabbit and a pink parasol.

"THESE are your other evil minions?" One of the new minions burst out laughing. He had red hair and a really UGLY green coat, and his accent was nasal, European, and annoying. "They're just little kids!" Said red-haired minion promptly went flying in the general direction of Pakistan.

"Schuldich! Damnit, we need him! Who else am I going to hit with a golf club?" Reiji looked momentarily disappointed. "It's your fault, Naoe, but I can't hit you because you'll fling me halfway to L.A."

"Hai, sir." Nagi confirmed.

"He doesn't look big enough to pick you up, let alone throw you." The girl frowned slightly.

"Tot," Another minion- this one with dark hair and glasses, wearing a suit- sounded exasperated. "It's the same way Schuldich can read minds and I can see the future and Farfarello doesn't feel pain."

"Crawford, please hit him for me." Reiji pulled out a golf club.

"No. I've seen what he'll do to me if I try." Crawford shook his head.

"I'll do it, then!" Tot said brightly, and brandished her pink parasol.

"Who are these clowns?" A somewhat mangled Hirofumi entered the room.

"Our evil minions!" Reiji stamped his foot indignantly. Why couldn't anyone see that?

"You were bad! You didn't listen to Grandpa[1]!" Tot admonished Nagi, and brought her parasol down on his head.

"Grandpa?" Schuldich looked a bit dizzy as he stumbled back into the room. "Is this some kind of sick sexual fetish?"

"Stoppit!" Nagi shrieked, and Tot flew across the room, but a strategically-placed wall prevented her from entering Pakistani and/or American airspace. She miraculously got up again, still wielding her parasol.

"Mr. Rabbi doesn't like you!" Tot declared, and set upon him with her umbrella again.

"Uh... I think I'll go check on the hostage." Hirofumi quickly made his escape. With nuts like these, who needed good guys?

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[1]: Well, if Masafumi's 'Papa,' doesn't that make Reiji 'Grandpa?' ^^;;;

Yes, I AM aware that Farfarello did NOTHING except stand there. He was, uh, absorbed in licking his knives? ::sweatdrop::

Well? What did you think? Is this even worth continuing?