The Cliche Weiss Kreuz Detective Story: Parts 3 through 5

Takatori Hirofumi really despised his father's evil empire. It wasn't the fact that it was evil (after all, Hirofumi made God cry, according to that Irish lunatic), or that it was an empire. It was the fact that Mamoru was being a brat about this whole thing, and making Father angry. Angry Takatori Reiji equaled BAD.

He descended the stairs into the basement. Perhaps the girl they'd taken prisoner (she was a total BABE!) would be good conversation. Or at the very least, a good kisser. (There WERE advantages to being the only straight guy- well, except Father and perhaps that Irish lunatic- in the evil empire, after all.)

"What do YOU want?" Fujimiya Aya- the REAL one, not her brother running around in a dress- spat at Hirofumi. She seemed to be as bad-tempered as Ran was, which was not a good thing in Hirofumi's book.

"The pleasure of your delightful company, of course." Hirofumi snapped. If she was going to be rude, he certainly wasn't going to take any steps toward being civil.

"Shi-NE, Takatori!" Aya shrieked, wishing she had Ran's katana with her. Unfortunately, she was tied to a chair and didn't have niichan's katana with her. Damn. If Ran had gotten her a katana of her OWN for Christmas, like she'd asked for, NONE of this would have happened! But NO, Ranchan the über-bitch just couldn't let his darling little sister have a sharp and dangerous object like that!

"What's your problem?" Hirofumi sneered, and brought his face close to hers.

"Your ugly face, bastard." Aya growled. His breath was TERRIBLE! She was gonna puke!

Suddenly, as the scene faded out, a high-pitched scream filled the basement....

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"So, why would anyone take your sister?" Yohji asked conversationally as they sat in a traffic jam.

"That's what I don't know!" Aya (the Ran one *snicker*) suddenly broke down into tears, "She was the sweetest girl ever, and it's not as if there's anything to ransom for- Takatori already killed our parents and destroyed our family fortune!"

Woah. Yohji was barely equipped to deal with this guy as it WAS- and crying was SO not helping.

"Family fortune, eh?" Damnit, some people got all the breaks. As it was, Yohji didn't get enough cases to keep replacing his stupid wire whenever it broke. He might be forced to go into voice-acting if this kept up.

"Yes. My sister was put in the hospital by Takatori's machinations, and I was forced to go into seiyuuing just to pay her medical bills- did you know I played Zechs Merquise from Shin Kidouseiki Gundam W and Hotohori from Fushigi Yuugi?" Aya seemed to be calming down somewhat now.

"Know any good studios?" Yohji asked. "My detective business is a bit slow. Traffic's moving again, Aya. Stop putting on mascara and drive, please."

Aya pouted and put down the mascara wand (his mascara was running from all that crying) to begin driving again.

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"You BITCH!" Takatori Hirofumi's face was contorted in pain. Aya (did we mention this was an Aya-switch? *giggle*) had managed to wrench her foot free of its bindings and kick him in a very inconvenient place. I bet you all thought that high-pitched scream was Aya's. Hentai, all of you!

"You godawful little-" Hirofumi was cut off by a commotion in the doorway.

"Hirofumi! Are you harrassing the prisoner again?" Reiji drew himself up to his scariest position.

"Get out of here, you ugly little son of a bitch!" Aya sneered at Reiji.

"She hurts God. I like her." Farfarello decided, licking one of his knives.

"Uh... I think I'll be going now...." Nagi began to edge out of the room, Mamoru in tow.

"Don't even think about it." Crawford ordered. Nagi froze.

"Do you want a knife?" Farfarello offered the purple-haired girl a blade.

"You IDIOT!" Reiji shrieked, "You don't give the hostage weaponry! She's a FUJIMIYA! She could kill you with her teeth!"

"Really? COOL!" Farfarello looked overjoyed. "Wanna help me hurt God?"

"Err...." Aya was speechless. This guy scared her a bit, but hey, he was willing to arm her. "Sure."

"Um, Farfarello, you can watch her." Reiji decided. If the Irishman wanted to hurt God, let him hurt God.

"Stop trying to run off." Crawford told Nagi and Mamoru in a bored tone- until he entered Pakistani airspace.

"Heh." Nagi snickered as he and Mamoru left.

==========

"Yohji, would you mind sitting in the trunk on the way home?" Aya asked as they parked in the lot of an outdoor coffee shop, "I don't think Rei likes sitting in the trunk. I want to give her the front seat."

"Rei?" Yohji asked. Please don't let him say the katana please don't let him say the katana....

"My katana, of course." Aya glared at Yohji. "Who else would she be?"

Sometimes, Yohji *really* wanted to quit his job, go to America, and teach surfing to hot girls in bikinis. Now was one of those times. This Aya creep was really scaring him.

"I named her after Ayanami Rei of Evangelion." Aya continued, "I found them both to be poignantly-written and quiet- I'm sure you've noticed that Rei hasn't spoken since you met her."

It took all of Yohji's self-control to keep from screaming as he and Aya sat down at a table. He was getting paid for this- not nearly enough, but that was beside the point. He needed the money. He would NOT kill his clients for being unbelievably stupid.

"Now, when was the last time you saw your sister?" Yohji asked, taking out a notepad, pen, and cigarette.

"Don't smoke. It's bad for you." Aya glowered, and reached over to throw Yohji's cigarette on the ground and step on it.

"That... that... that was my last one...." Yohji had a momentary statement of someone who has just watched their most prized possession be destroyed- and then he looked enraged.

"LOOK, MISTER- OR MISS, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU! I PUT UP WITH YOU BABYING YOUR STUPID SWORD. I PUT UP WITH YOU ALMOST KILLING US PUTTING MAKEUP ON WHILE DRIVING! I EVEN PUT UP WITH YOU TELLING ME TO SIT IN THE TRUNK! BUT WHEN YOU MESS WITH MY CIGARATTES-"

"Shut up. You're making a scene, Yohji." Aya rolled his eyes.

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"How did I get assigned to work with you?" Nagi whined. He and Schuldich were supposed to be keeping track of Fujimiya Ran and the detective he had hired, and they had actually made it as far as the coffee shop Aya and Yohji were discussing their plans at before Schuldich started hitting on Nagi.

"Because you're prettier than Crawford is." Schuldich smirked. "I still think you should consider my offer."

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Nagi growled, "I. HAVE. A. BOYFRIEND."

"You're no fun, Nagi." Schuldich complained, looking sullen, "Hey, that detective guy Fujimiya hired is hot!"

"Good. Go hit on him." Nagi sighed.

"I would, but number one, Fujimiya would recognize us. Number two, the babe's currently throwing a hissy fit about cigarettes- it looks like everyone's favorite bitch stepped on his last one." Schuldich smirked.

"Want to go somewhere more private?" He suddenly leered at Nagi again. "I'm bored."

"God! I'm leaving, you oversexed freak!" Nagi exclaimed, flipping Schuldich's chair over as he stalked away.

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"Kowai...." Mamoru whimpered. Tousan had told him and Hirofumi-niichan to watch the Fujimiya girl with Farfarello, and they both scared him- it was their thing for sharp, pointy objects.

"And you can take this knife here..." Mamoru caught part of what Aya was saying about a wicked-looking switchblade.

"Yeah, but this knife hurts God more!" Farfarello informed her, holding up a carving knife.

"Okay. Sure." Aya shrugged. "You know what would be *really* cool? A katana!"

"What's a katana?" Farfarello asked suspiciously.

"A really, really, REALLY big knife!" Aya told him, "It hurts God more than any of these puny knives! I wanted one for Christmas, but my mean old niichan wouldn't get me one!"

"He wouldn't help you hurt GOD?" Farfarello was horrified. "How about I get you a katana?"

"Really?" Aya's eyes widened. Hey, this psycho wasn't so bad, after all....

Hirofumi began to beat his head against the wall as Mamoru tried to dissappear into the corner.

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"Dear Journal," Crawford spoke aloud as he wrote in his journal for the day,

"My life sucks. I've already seen that Schuldich's going to dump me for a hot blond number. Farfarello's hell-bent on buying the Fujimiya girl a katana- apparently, she made quite an impression on him. Damn, she's just as bitchy as her older brother. Anyway, I heard him practicing at the bathroom mirror- can you believe the lunatic wants to PROPOSE to her, and use the katana in lieu of an engagement ring?!"

"She might even say 'yes'- the Fujimiyas are both almost as insane as Farfie. All that stupid 'Shi-NE!' garbage. Hn."

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"That's one of Takatori's agents!" Aya hissed to Yohji as someone stormed past their table.

"Him? He's just a girly-looking kid! Now, you're paying for those cigarettes, Fujimiya!" Yohji screeched, standing up.

"Excuse me?" Said girly-looking kid slammed a fist down on their table, "Who are you calling girly?!"

"You." Yohji smirked.

"Nonononono!" Aya shook his head frantically, "It was nothing! Really!"

"...huh?" Yohji was stunned. Aya was the last person he'd expect to act like that just because of some skinny litle kid.

"You MORON!" Aya hissed, "That's Naoe Nagi! One of Takatori's minions! He can throw people as far as Pakistan, Hawaii, Moscow, or Bangkok, depending on what direction you're going in!"

"Nagi! Get back over here or I'll tell Takatori you're misbehaving!" Anaccented voice called out, coming from who Yohji thought at first was a really cute girl. Then, he realized....

"DAMN!" Yohji crossed his arms, "WHY MUST EVERY HOT GIRL I MEET TURN OUT TO BE A GUY IN A DRESS?"

"I'm not wearing a dress." The redhead with the accent looked at Yohji strangely, but then perked up. "You're hot."

"You're sick." Yohji shuddered.

"Schuldich! Tell me what you did with my sister!" Aya roared at the redhead.

"If I tell you, can I have Blondie over here?" Schuldich asked, pointing to Yohji. He stood up, revealing that indeed, he was NOT wearing a dress, just a long coat.

"Eww! Gross!" Yohji didn't even want to THINK about that....

"Tell him that, and I'll tell Mamoru you're hitting on me again, and he'll tell his father, and he'll cry, and then Takatori will beat you up with a golf club again!" Nagi's laugh, if he hadn't been so damn cute, could have been called a cackle.

"FIGHT ME, SCHULDICH!" Aya leapt onto the table, drawing Rei. "Rei and I want to find Aya-chan!"

"Rei?" Nagi asked.

"Is that Rei?" Schuldich pointed to Yohji.

"NO!" Aya roared, "THIS IS REI!" He pointed to said katana.

"Damn. You're not Rei?" Schuldich asked Yohji, who was too busy to answer him at the moment.

"IhatethatdamnkatanaIHATEthatdamnkatanaIHATETHATDAMNKATANA!" Yohji's mantra went from a whisper, increasing in volume every time he spoke it, until he was practically screaming. He was banging his head on the table in time with his words.

"He named his katana Rei?" Nagi facefaulted.

"God, he's nuttier than his sister. Oh, by the way, your darling sister's got a man now." Schuldich smirked at Aya.

"WHO?" Aya screamed. "I'LL KILL HIM!"

"Farfie." Schuldich's smirk grew broader.

"Uh, Schuldich, I don't think it's a good sign that he's frothing at the mouth like that." Nagi said nervously.

"IHATETHATDAMNKATANA!" Yohji was still lost in his five-word rant and introducing his forehead to the table.

"God, I am SICK of this!" Nagi sighed, pushing his bangs up on his forehead.

Suddenly, the table flipped over, sending Aya flying into a rather large aquarium on display in the center of the area of tables, and sending Yohji straight into the loving- er, scratch that- hentai arms of Schuldich. Yes, that's it- hentai arms of Schuldich.

"Hi, there, Rei." Schuldich purred.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Yohji began to freak out, "Oh, please, do anything you want, just don't compare me to that stupid katana that Fujimiya cares more about than the detective he hired to find his sister-"

"Shut up about Rei! You're just jealous because she gets men and you're a ho, Kudou!" Aya glowered from the aquarium.

"Excuse me? Are you calling my new girlfriend here a ho?" Schuldich asked.

"Yes, you dirty German skank!" Aya shrieked. "Now get your ho ass over here and get me out of this thing, Yohji!"

"I would, but he won't let go of me!" Yohji began to stuggle against the German.

"Girlfriend? I thought you were Brad's girlfriend." Nagi snickered as he made his escape. If he didn't leave then, he'd be late for his date with Mamoru.

"I'M NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND!" Yohji cried, and frantically tried to get that damn wire of his to work.

This was all Asuka's fault! If she hadn't run off with Takatori Masafumi, Yohji wouldn't have been on his way to becoming the ho girlfriend of a skanky German! If she were here, his wire would work, and he could get away! She'd have taken Rei and thrown her into the bay by now!

It seemed as if everything were Asuka's fault nowadays.

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"I got it!" Farfarello cackled, entering the room.

"What?" Hirofumi asked apprehensively.

"I can't tell you that. It's a surprise for her!" Farfarello hissed, pointing to Aya-chan.

"I'm ba-ack!" Schuldich sang, a violently-protesting person slung over his shoulder. "This is my new girlfriend, Rei- oh, that's right, that was the katana's name. This is my new girlfriend, Yohji!"

"Let go of me, you skank!" The blond man- Yohji- beat at Schuldich's back with his fists.

"Why? You want to go back to working for Fujimiya? All he did was abuse you- he took your cigarettes away, tried to make you sit in the trunk so his katana could have your seat in his car, and called you a ho! You deserve better than that!" Schuldich informed Yohji, and turned to Aya.

"This is the detective your pansy of a brother hired to find you. Last I saw of Ranchan, he was sitting butt-first in a saltwater aquarium, screaming at my girlfriend here that he was a ho."

"I. AM. NOT. YOUR. GIRLFRIEND!" Yohji hissed loudly.

"Oh? You'd rather be my bitch?" Schuldich grinned evilly.

"Where's Nagi?" Mamoru asked pitifully from where he was still trying to hide.

"I think Takatori and Crawford are punishing him for letting Schuldich drag something home." Hirofumi spoke up.

"DAD!" Mamoru screamed, running up the stairs and hefting his dart gun, "IF YOU HURT NAGI, I'M LEAVING THE EVIL EMPIRE!"

"Don't be stupid, Mamoru." Takatori glared at his youngest son- God, this kid was whiny!- and pointed to the center of the room, where an improvised boxing ring was being set up by Crawford.

"Since Nagi let Schuldich bring some ho back with him, he has to provide tonight's entertainment- he and Tot are going to have a boxing match- no powers, no umbrella."

"I still don't understand the point of this." Crawford grumbled. He had to referee, being the former boxer of the group.

"Watching Nagi and Tot fight a bare-knuckle boxing match is much more amusing than renting a movie." Takatori explained.

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Here are some questions that probably won't be answered in the next part, but it's kind of amusing to contemplate them anyway:

-Did Ran get out of the fishtank? Is he still there?

-Would Yohji rather be Schu's bitch than his girlfriend? (He never answered!)

-Who will win the bare-knuckle boxing match between Nagi and Tot?

-What will Aya say when Farfie proposes to her with a katana?

-Does Rei really get men, like Ran says?

-Will Ken ever make an appearance in this fic?