READ THE SCRIPT....
Scene 1 -
A group of fighter pilot pears are being examined by a group of implausibly good looking nurses. Two pilot pears are chatting to themselves..
Pilot #1 - Wow I cant believe we're actually here, on the set of Pear Harbour.
Pilot #2 - I know, amazing. Thank god you persuaded me to go to auditions. Whats even better is that despite being Hawai, there are absolutely no natives at all! We've got the place to ourselves!
Evelyn - So then, he says "could you hold my horse please!"
Rafe - Wow Evelyn, you're Derbyshire jokes really help me cope with the horrors of war.
Evelyn - Theres plenty more where that came from Rafe. Unfortunately I cant let be a pilot as your half blind.
Rafe - Oh please Evelyn, I may be extremely short sighted but I'm a great pilot!
Evelyn - Oh what harm can it do! Go on then!
Rafe - Thanks Evelyn! I guess this means where going to sleep together now?
Evelyn - Er Rafe, your talking to a curtain, I'm over here!
Scene 2 -
Earl - Hi I'm Tom Sizemore!
Scene 3 -
The nurse pears are out on the town with their boyfriends.
Red - I, I, I'm so happy. I've got a lovely girlfriend, I'm a great pi, pi, pilot and Glasgow Celtic won the treble. Something really ba, ba, ba, bad would have to happen now to upset me.
Rafe - Evelyn, you're the prettiest piece of fruit I've ever seen. But I gotta go to England to fight the war!
Evelyn - Where's that?
Rafe - I think its the capital of France. But dont worry, despite being semi literate, I'll still send you long, gushing love letters. Here, lets toast our love with champagne.
Rafe opens a bottle of bubbly but the cork flys up and hits him on the face in a cute way.
Rafe - Ow!
Evelyn - Jesus! He could have been killed! Someone call weekend watchdog!!
Scene 4 -
Earl - Hi I'm Tom Sizemore!
Scene 5 -
Dover in the summer, Rafe is writing a letter.
Rafe - God its cold here Evelyn. It bites into your bones. All the English have been calling me an American poof and are saying they are going to send me to a place called Carlisle in December.
Steriotypical Englishman - Hello there old chap! I must say, if all Americans are like you, we should have no problem winning the war!
Rafe - Why thank you kind sir.
Englsihman - Yep, Americans are spiffing. They all breath fire, can do magic, and have huge genitalia. Now we're off to drink beer and play Rugger while you win the war for us.
Peter Taylor - Hi, I'm Peter Taylor. Its not my fault we're losing the war, all the refs are against us and our injury problem is awful!
Scene 6 -
Evelyn and Danny are having a shag.
Evelyn - I haven't felt that good since Dean Saunders scored against Derby in 96!
Danny - Evelyn, your Pear juice is the sweetest I've ever tasted.
Evelyn - Oh Jesus Danny thats foul!
Rafe - What the fuck is going on here?
Danny - Oh hi Mate, I was just keeping her warm while you were away.
Rafe - I'll turn you into fruit salad you piece of crap!
A fight breaks out.
Evelyn - Oh christ.
Scene 7 -
Red - OH NO!!!!!
Pilot #2 - What? Have the Japs started attacking?
Red - No! Celtic have signed Steve Guppy!
Scene 8 -
Dorie is talking to Evelyn.
Dorie - Its not fair Evelyn! The navy is so racist! All I want to do is kill some filthy, dirty, evil Japs. Its a good job I'm steriotypically strong and I can box!
Evelyn - Look at it this way mate. When Danny and Rafe have gone, I'll be calling for you!
Red - Nice one!
Evelyn - Oh my god, we're under attack!
Earl - Hi I'm Tom Sizemore!
The harbour is attacked and destroyed.
Jap - What a great victory!
Another Jap - No, all we have done is woken a sleeping giant! We all know America is much better than our country and they'll probably come back and ligitimately destroy our cities without causing too many civilian casualties!
Jap - Why did I agree to do this again?
The men are inspecting the damage.
Red - Isnt it aw, aw, awful?
Danny - You dont give a shit! You're not even American!
Red - Hey! I'm as American as Pizza!
Rafe - Shut it Scottish boy - We've all seen Trainspotting!
Red - Oh bugger.
Evelyn - You know I'm American dont you Danny? I've got Last days of Disco in my bag if you dont believe me.
Danny - Of course you're American Evelyn! Thats never been an issue.
Scene 9 -
The guys are being trained to fly big bastard planes.
Alec Baldwin - Lets go take revenge boys!
Fighter Pears - Yeah!
Baldwin (to himself) - God damnit I wish I had been in The Usual Suspects.
Pilot #2 - Hey this scene reminds me a bit of Top Gun.
Baldwin - Jesus these planes are too heavy to take off! Theres only one thing for it. We're gonna have to leave Rafe at home!
Rafe - Oh man! I havnt eaten for three hours!
Scene 10 -
Danny has been killed by some Japanese.
Danny - Rafe, I'm very conveniantly dying. It looks like you're going to have to look after Evelyn.
Rafe - Hooray! I mean, oh god no! Dont die on me Danny! Please!
Danny - Just give her these..
Rafe - What are they Danny?
Danny - Nottingham Forest season tickets. I was going to take her to Grimsby next season. (Danny dies in Rafes arms)
Rafe - Noooooo! Blundell Park!! Noooooo!
Scene 11 -
V.O - After the destruction at Pear Harbour, America got its arse in gear and won the war single handedly. And they didnt totally flatten two Japanese cities. And they didnt cause 50 years of Cold War because of their stupendous paranoia. But they did beat the Soviet Union in the 1982 winter olympic ice hockey! God bless America! And Evelyn and Rafe moved to a small farm in the mid west and had a child. Its name.. Stuart, after Evelyn's hero Stuart Pearce.
Earl - Hi, I'm Tom Sizemore!
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