1.  Life's First Lesson: Don't Do Stupid Things
(a.k.a Don't Open Your Doors in a Flood)

This is pretty damned obvious when you think about it. Or it should be. True story: Years ago while I was in college my girlfriend (now my loving wife) and I were visiting her cousin Dan -- my childhood friend -- when it started raining. Hard rain. Intense rain. After a little while we looked out the window and saw that water was flowing out of the street and over the curb. Dan thought it would be a good time for us to move our car to higher ground, so we sloshed out to the car (my first car -- a bright yellow 4-door Fiat 128), started it up (hey! the Fiat started!), and started our escape from the impending flood.

Well, we turned the first corner, but the water kept rising. Hmm. We made another turn, but it still kept rising. Hey, I know - we'll head for Florence Avenue -- it goes uphill! We made a left on Florence just in time to see a four foot wall of water rolling down the hill at us. Let me tell you, friend, when your bright-yellow-and-rust-red Fiat hood is submerged, it ain't a pretty sight. Naturally the engine quit (yeah, I know, it's a Fiat - but this time it was because of the water engulfing the engine compartment). Well, we didn't know what was going to happen next. Was more water on the way? Would the car start to float? Being the gentleman that I am, er, well, was, I decided to get out and push the car to safety. Doh! Repeat after me: water seeks it's own level. Water seeks it's own level. When there is 3+ feet of water surrounding your car, what do you suppose happens when you open the car door? Yes, you are correct, the interior fills up with water. Of course, this was more of a multimedia experience than you might think -- as the engine died while running, naturally I had left the key in the "on" position. This caused electrical short-circuits everywhere; lights were flashing on, the horn was blaring, buzzers were buzzing (yes, again, none of this was all that unusual in my Fiat, but this time I'm pretty sure it was caused by the water filling the interior). Amid the cacophony (big word) of sound, light, water and confusion, I get out, close the door, and start pushing the car out of the middle of the street. Hey, that's weird, it stopped raining. And the water level in the street has dropped dramatically. Where'd all the water go? Well, when I re-opened the car door that became pretty obvious. I was storing all the g*dd*mnned water (buzz/honk/flash). Sigh.

Oh yeah, how do you get water out of a Fiat? Just give it a day for the floor pan to rust through. Sigh. It's not really flood damage, it's more like giving the car a shot of growth hormone. Speeds up the aging process a bit. Perhaps someday I'll add the chapter about keeping your feet away from the holes in the car floor while driving. Getting the water out of the vinyl map pockets on the doors was another issue altogether.

Damn, I wish I had made that story up. But, there's no point in recognizing stupidity if you can't learn from it. So from that episode I came up with Life's First Lesson: Don't Do Stupid Things. Well, it was originally "Don't Open Your Doors in a Flood," but after repeatedly doing other stupid things in my life -- I won't bore you with the nitty-gritty details --  I decided to generalize the lesson a bit. That plus the list was getting way too long to remember.

"Don't Do Stupid Things" is actually a good rule to try to live by. It's also the advice I'm constantly giving my teenage son. "But how will I know if it's a stupid thing to do?" he asks. "Trust me," I say, "you'll know. Would I lie to you?" But it is admittedly difficult to know in advance whether or not you are violating this rule. So I thought I'd give you some keywords and phrases to help identify when you're going down the "stupid things" path. When you hear or think these phrases, step back, take a breath and ask yourself honestly whether you are about to do a stupid thing.

A sample of Stupid Thing warning phrases:

• "Trust me, would I lie to you?" (Hmmm)
• "With what your stock options will be worth, salary should be the least of your concerns"
• "I/she won't get pregnant this one time"
• "Would you like to add margin trading to your account, Sir?"
• "One more drink couldn't hurt"
• "We send Internet content via Satellite....."
• "I have the right of way, of course he's gonna stop"
• "I'm sober enough to drive"
• "Are you gonna let him get away with that?"
• "A tattoo? Sure, why not?"
• "Of course this boat is sturdy enough to go through the inlet"
• "I wonder what would happen if I flipped this switch?"
• "I know I can't afford it, but it would look so good on me"
• "I'm sure it's safe. Someone would have removed/banned it if it wasn't safe"
• "Access to this site is free, we just need your credit card number to prove you're over 18" (not sure what this refers to, someone else told me to put it in here)
• "What would it take to get you in this car today?"
• "Light a match so we can see where this gas is leaking from"
• "I'd like to take a look at your selection of engagement rings, please"  ☺

Please feel free to email me with other good Stupid Thing warning phrases.