What Kids Say (or, watch what you say & do around your children)

"Oh jeez,"  ZZIIIPP, "I wondered why all those women were smiling at me," versus

"What do I do now? Walk away quietly? Tell someone who works in the store? What exactly do I tell them?" (BTW, I've tried both methods; trust me, it's easier if you just keep walking).

But that's not what this is all about. This is about the intricate verbal learning process children go through that enables them to speak exactly the words you don't want them to say. Some cases in point:

Saying Grace. A friend of ours (I'll call her Sally; it's only a coincidence that that is her real name) was pretty well known to make pretty heavy use of one particular phrase. Sally hosted Thanksgiving dinner to her family and her in-laws. I understand it was a very touching affair. Before eating, they went around the room and each gave thanks, in their own way, for something in their lives. Last one was 2-1/2 year old "Timmy" (probably not his real name, but I really don't have a clue). Timmy had obviously practiced, and pulled off his line perfectly "Thank you for the food, Goddamnit." Oops.

Mom took care of it. When the youngest son was about 14 months old, he one day learned how to climb out of his crib. And he was a quick little bugger; you would tuck him in, check to make sure the sides of the crib were up, turn towards the door and: he'd be right in front of you by then. Well, sometimes you really want the little buggers to go to bed, ya' know? We couldn't seem to impress on him that he shouldn't climb out. Then one night Mom came up with a scheme that finally worked: as soon as his foot would hit the rail to climb over she'd give him a little tap on the foot and say "No." He quickly got the point, and we actually got some sleep that night. Next day, Grandma called. Mom was busy with the younger one, so the older son was talking on the phone with Grandma: "Yeah, he was climbing out of the crib a lot, but Mom smacked him around and now he doesn't anymore"

Not gonna say that no more. We have friends who have 3 children, and never a dull moment (including all hours of the night). Their middle child picked up an a phrase his Dad used once or twice when he was, uh, very frustrated. After 4-year-old "Joey" repeated this once or twice, his parents had a nice talk with him and impressed on him that he was not allowed to use that particular phrase. As a bright kid, he understood, and used all his 4-year-old powers of concentration to ensure this wouldn't happen. Well, a few nights later they're at a restaurant.

Waitress: "And what would you like to drink?"
Joey, shaking his head: "Not gonna say f*ck*ng sh*t no more."

Well. What more can I add to that? Still don't believe having kids raises your embarrassment threshold? Trust me, it does -- at least to the survivors.