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The
Heiligenstad Testament |
Letter
to the Inmortal Beloved
An
Article of the 9th Symphony by Henri Feldman | Goethe Biography
Beethoven's
Sculpted Bust on VRML
Oh thou!, men who look and judge me as shy, crazy or misanthrope, how unjudgeful did you have been with me! You ignore the hidden reason to appear you this way! My heart and my spirit showed inclined since infance to the sweet feeling of the kindness, and to make great actions I have been always disposed; but think only which is my frightful situation from six years ago, aggravated by judgeless medicians, deceived year to year with the hope of an improvement, and finally abandoned to the perspective of a durable illness, which cure demands years may be, when it was not entirely possible. Given of an active and burning temperament, easy to the society distractions, I duttyed appart me from the men in early age, to pass my live alone. If sometimes I wanted improve myself of all, oh how severely I crashed with the sad reality renewed always of my illness! and however, it was not possible for me to say the men: "Speak loudly, scream because I am deaf!" How it would me possible to reveal the weakness of a sense that should be in me more perfect than in the rest?, a sense that in other time I have possesed with the greates pefection, with such perfection that undoubtfully a little people of my occupation have never had. Oh, this I can not do it! Forgive me then, if you see me to live apparted when I should get mixed up in your company. My misfortune is doubly painful since, as long as I must be unknown too. It is forbbiden for me a rest in the men society, in the delicate converstions, in the mutual enjoyment, Alone, always alone. I can not risk me in society if it is not impulsed by an imperious necessity; I am prey of a devourous anxiety, affraid to be exposed they notice my illness state.
This is the reason why I spent six months in the country. My wise medician compel me to care my ear as much as possible, going far beyond of my own intentions; an however; much times, recovered by my inclination to the society, I had let me dragged by she; but what humiliatons when near me was somebody who listened at the far the sound of a flute and that I could not listen anything, or that listened the sing of a shepherd without I could hear anything.
The exprience of this things putted me soon at the edge of desperation, and little lacked for myself ended with my life. Just the art had stopped me. Ah! It seemed to me impossible to abandon this wolrd before being realized everything I feel compeled to realize, and so I prolongued this wretched life, truly wretched, a so irritable body that to the less change could drop me from the best state to the worse. Durable must be, I wait it, my resolution of resist until please to the inexorable Hours cut the thread of my life. Perhaps will be this the best, perhaps not, but I am always presto. It is not easy to be phylosopher for compeling at twenty eight, it is not easy; an it is harder still for an artist than any other.
Oh God, you look from the top in the bottom of my heart, and you know it, you know that in it dwell the love to the others and the wish to do them the good!. You, men, if someday you read this, think that you have been unjudge with me, and that the misfortuned comfort himself finding another misfortuned like him that even against all the nature obstacles, did how was at his reaching to be admitted in the range of the artist and election men.
You, my brothers, Carl and Johann, inmediately I have died, if professor Schmidt is live still, beg him in my name that descript my illness and to the history of it tie this letter, in order to after my dead, at least in the measure this be possible, the society be reconciliated with me. At the same time, I name you to both you heir of my little fortune, if it can be called this way, that you should part loyally, being in accordance and helping yourself each other. The illness you have did me, you know it, I have forgive it to you from a long time ago. To you my brother Carl I gratitude particularly by the solicitude you have game me in the last times. I make votes for you have a happy live, careless than mine. Recommend to your sons the virtue, because only she can give the happyness that money lacks. I speak by experience. She had sustained me myself in my wretch, and to she I owe, as much as my art, not being putted end to my life by the suicide, Bye and Loveyourself! I give thanks to all my friends, and particularly to the Prince Lichnowsky and to the professor Schmidt. I wish that the instruments of the Prince L. may be conserved in the house of some of you, but that this do not provoque in you any discussion. If it can not be useful to you for something better, sell then inmediately. How happy will I be if still can serve you from the tomb! If so be, how glad will I fly to dead. But if this comes before I have had the ocassion of develop all my artistic faculties, however my hard destiny, it will come early for me and I would wish to aplace it. But still so, I am happy. Will not it free me from an endless suffering state? Come when it comes, I am going courageously to her. Bye and do not forget me entirely in the dead; I earn you think in me, because often I have think in you through all my life to make you happy. Be it!.
LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN
Heiligenstadt, October 6th, 1802.