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Issue One - 11/11/04 |
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Dear Jesus, I am a twenty-seven year old man living here in Galway. Every night you will find me in the nightclubs of Abbey Gate Street looking for love, quite often with success but sometimes I drift home alone. Either way, my life feels like an empty void. Can you please help? Jimmy James John Magillacuddy Dear Jimmy, Are you being completely honest with yourself? You say you seek love, but you forget that Jesus is omniscient (that means "all-knowing" Jimmy) and therefore knows about the sexual assaults you regularly pass off as "conquests of the heart". As for your life feeling like a void, that might have something to with the copious amounts of class A drugs you've been indulging in. Jesus would recommend abstaining from these, if it weren't for the fact that Jesus also recommends you go hang yourself. Yours sincerely, Christ Dear Jesus, I've gotten involved with this group of right-wing extremists, who persuaded me to drag my country into a little war with some Arabs. However, I now find that I may have made a mistake. I'm so sorry for all the pain and bloodshed, please help me to correct this and show me the exit. Yours sincerely, Tony B. Dear Tony, You've obviously forgotten that Jesus is all-knowing. Therefore, I am fully aware of the hard-on you have for genocide and will deal with you accordingly when the time comes. (Soon, Tony…soon!) Yours sincerely, Christ Dear Jesus, You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you. I picked you out, I shook you up, I turned you around, turned you into someone new. Now, five years later on you've got the world at your feet, success has been so easy for you. But, don't forget it's me who put you where you are now, and I can put you back there too. Yours sincerely, Phil Oakey Dear Phil, I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true. But, even then I knew I'd find a much better place, either with OR without you. The five years we have had have seen such good times…I still love you. But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own, I guess it's just what I must do. Yours sincerely, Christ |
 "I'm never drinking again."
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