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Issue Eleven - 28/07/05 |
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"Let my horses go free!" proclaims demented Aslan singer |
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Crowds at the Galway Races were shocked yesterday at the surprise appearance of
Aslan front man Christy Dignam. On his arrival a spontaneous cheer rippled through the
Fianna Fail tent as punters believed he was there to give an exclusive live performance.
Quiet soon descended on the revellers however as shock turned to fear when it became
apparent that Christy was not there for fun and games. One eye-witness stated, "Well he
just looked very dishevelled, even more so than usual. And he was carrying some sort of
midget with him." This midget was later identified as Pityu, the 28" man from the local
circus whom Christy had kidnapped earlier, on his rampage around Galway city.
Another witness recounted "Yeah, at first it was kinda funny. I mean we were all having a good laugh at him and the midget but then things got very strange, he started screaming, then crying and hugging the little man. He grabbed the mic off Charlie McCreevy and starting singing 'These are the hoofs of a broken capaill, these are bets we place' and some other God awful lyrics. It was really horrible." Then word came through that some horses had been released from their stables and were wandering around the dual carriageway. At this point Christy stood on a table and screamed, "That's right, they're free, I set them free. Now they can roam as God intended, free on the wild plains of Ballymun." Collapsing in a heap and laughing maniacally, Christy produced a syringe and injected himself in the groin with a fluid thought to be heroin but which was later identified as brake fluid. Members of the Millstreet sniper squad were then able to take Christy down with a tranquiliser gun and set the midget free. The little man was later seen sitting at the bar chatting with 'model' Glenda Gilson and was overheard to say "Yes it's weird but it's like my head, completely normal sized if not a little bigger than usual. I have to tuck it into my sock, literally." Glenda and Pityu reportedly left together amid sneering from some other little men who were later identified as jockeys, not circus performers. |
 Christy Dignam - mentalist junkie
Pityu - the world's shortest kidnap victim
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