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Issue Two - 25/11/04 |
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Dear Jesus,
I just called to say I love you! You have done a marvellous thing to ensure my second term and I just wanted to say I'm so grateful. I will try to take a Christian approach to the next four years. Yours sincerely, George W. Bush Dear George, No worries pal. Wish you all the best. We didn't have much choice with your repeated threats to place an embargo on Heaven and divert funds to help arm the Army of Hell. Cheers Bud! As for the "Christian approach" thing, I'd like to make something clear. Jesus is many things, but he is not a Christian. The relationship between Jesus and Christianity is like that of David Lee Roth and Van Halen. David and I did some of our best stuff while we were "with the band". But then each of us discovered we were surrounded by assholes and baled. Both of us were forgotten about, even though the talentless fucks we were surrounded by went on to glory. Plus, all this happened in 1985, so it's a really good analogy when you think about it. Anyway, bye for now, George. Oh, and Yasser said to say Hi. Yours sincerely, Christ Dear Jesus, I am a healthy, virile, strapping young lad. However, I have been experiencing some discomfort lately that I hope you can help me with. My problem is that whenever I wear my favourite pair of trousers I experience a pronounced irritation and chaffing in between my buttocks that is very uncomfortable. Please help. Yours sincerely, Chaffing in Corrib Village Dear Chaffing, Your problem is a common one, especially in your part of the woods. Let me guess, you play GAA, you go to CP's nightclub and you favour the sort of pantaloons that taper at the ankles, are cream in colour and wedge so far up your arse you could use them for chewing on. Now you may think they make you look good, teamed with your lovely Penny's Ben Sherman knock-off shirt and a pair of slip-on black shoes, and you'd be right! But let me tell you, the price you pay in the arse department far out weighs your 'cool' look. My advice: go and get yourself a nice pair of baggy trousers, I know, I know, you may look a little uncouth, a tad 'hobo-ish' and yes the girls will find you more attractive now that they can't see your trousers disappearing up your hole, but that's just the price you have to pay if you want to get rid of that irritation. Either that or become a rent boy and then a little chaffing will be the least of your problems. Yours sincerely, Christ |
 "I'm never drinking again."
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