 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
Issue Three - 09/12/04 |
 |
Sex Advice with Angela Lansbury |
|
|
Dear Angela,
How do I get to have sex with girls? I've such a horn on me that I can't get rid of it's driving me mad. Girls just don't take me seriously. Ta se ufasach!! Yours in desperation, Bosco (from the telly) Dear Bosco, I feel your pain, I too know what it's like to be a TV sex symbol and therefore be intimidating to any prospective lover. You, unfortunately, have an even tougher time I'm sure, what with being a perpetual 5 year old asexual puppet with someone's hand stuck up your arse…it can't be easy trying to pull. However, I can give you some advice. Treat yourself to a makeover. Firstly, get rid of that unsightly red hair (I hope you're not a natural ginger if you know what I mean!), then hit the high street for some up-to-date threads, lets face it, that stripy green shirt has had its day. I'd also look into changing my name if I were you, the name Bosco these days is reserved only for forty year old farmers from Westmeath. Good luck! Angela Dear Angela, I've got rather a taboo sexual predilection that I hope you can help me with. I'm writing to you especially as I feel you will be more sensitive to my problem. As you may have guessed by now, I like to have sex with dead people. My question is not how do I change my ways but how do I change the narrow-minded attitudes of others around me who insist on making me feel like I'm some sort of pervert for doing what only comes naturally. I have needs too you know! Incidentally, you don't know of any corpses that might be floating around do you, I haven't been getting any since my last girlfriend decomposed and you seem to have an uncanny knack for being in the proximity of death. Yours, Stiff for Stiffs Dear Stiff for Stiffs, Help is at hand. This may surprise you but I too like to indulge in the pleasures of rotting flesh and let me tell you, there are more of us out there than the authorities would have you believe! There is a revolution coming! No longer will we have to languish in the shadows as social pariahs, no longer will we put up with being scorned and vilified and no longer shall we be sexually frustrated! Until then though you'll have to find ways of gratifying yourself that won't result in a prosecution, I suggest hanging around some dive of a nightclub at around 3.30, you're bound to score some chick to screw who's just drunk enough that you can make believe. Oh and once I pop my clogs you're welcome to try the Lansbury experience, shouldn't be long now! Angela |
 |