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Issue Four - 20/01/05 |
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Dave Fanning - Where did it all go wrong? |
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This week we bring you an exclusive interview with
Dave Fanning. Unfortunately, because of Dave's
condition, widely known as verbal diarrhoea, our intrepid
reporter was unable to get a word in edgeways after the
first question.
Here's the transcript: Interviewer: So Dave, how are you today? Dave: Well ya know I'm fine, well, well as can be expected ya know but who isn't these days? I mean you shouldn't complain, well that is to say you shouldn't complain all the time, of course you have to complain sometimes, like if something's shit then you should complain, in fact it's your moral duty to say, 'Ya know what? This is shit' I mean that's why I agreed to do You're A Star, I mean no-one was up there telling these young people 'you know what, you're shit, you've got no talent, you're just a pair of tits', but then I realised when I went on the show that that's what their looking for, you know, people ask me: have I seen talent on You're A Star?, sure, have they been voted off?, sure, have I lost all credibility by doing the show?, absolutely!, but you don't see me complaining do ya, see we're back to the whole complaining thing again, see it's like that in life, swings and roundabouts that's what I say, I mean why shouldn't I have my share of the over-exposure cake, why shouldn't I sell my hard earned street cred. for a measly few bucks, Gerry Ryan's doing it, Ian Dempsey's doing it, I mean he's a corporate whore if ever I saw one, he's never off the bloody airwaves advertising everything under the sun, why shouldn't I have my share eh, that's why I've decided to do the Regaine ads, I know some people will say I've sold my soul but you know what maybe I'm already dead inside, maybe all these years working for the same crappy organisation have robbed me of my, of my dignity and pride…and after all you give and give all you're left with is hate mail from some 17 year old's granny from Monaghan because they aren't going to represent Ireland in the Eurovision, is it my fault your talentless spawn can't hold a tune to save their life and is it my fault (puts on whiny voice) your guitar string broke and you can't do the song you wanted, and is it my bloody fault that ye're all a bunch of talentless cum-bags from some provincial, in-bred, backwater who think for some amazing reason you're gonna make it in the music business because you can put two chords together, is it, is it, is it???!!....... [tape descends into incoherent screaming followed by loud sobbing] At this point some You're A Star 'people' entered the room, sedated him and took him away by which time he was singing 'I'm a little teapot'. Thanks Dave. |
 Incoherent sobbing |