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Issue Four - 20/01/05 |
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Dear Jesus,
I'm trying to give up smoking, I know they're dirty, nasty things that are detrimental to my health but it's hard. Could you give me some advice, support and some nicotine patches? Struggling in Salthill Dear Struggling, Where on earth did you get this idea that smoking is bad for you? It's sexy and cool. Have you never seen a 1930's movie? People who say they're bad for you are just jealous hot-heads who like everyone to be as uptight as them, so chill and have a smoke. Don't you miss that smooth even flavour slipping down your neck? That little kick in the back of your neck? Isn't there something missing after meals? In the morning? With a cup of tea? C'mon, it's just a little white stick, what harm can it do? Sincerely, Christ Dear Jesus, We are a pair of acting twins from America. We have recently turned 18 and are therefore, now in charge of our estates. (Well, I am, my sister will be too when she comes out of rehab.) Both of us are eager to increase our profile/wealth and came upon the idea of getting religious. That's where you come in, J. If you can "point us in the right direction" and "help us make the right choices", then we're sure our careers will only prosper. We would be eternally grateful, and prepared to do "whatever it takes" to thank you properly. Yours sincerely, M.K. and A. Olsen Dear Olsen Twins, Hmm! Your offer to do "whatever it takes" to win my favour intrigues me. As I read your letter, I was reminded of the parable of the man who said his prayers on the street corner. He would pray very loudly, so that everybody would think he was a very pious man. However, half way through this memory, I was overcome by the image of the two of you, filthy little angels, languishing on satin sheets, writhing between piles of cocaine and bottles of Jameson. Radisson, Room 142, next Thursday at 3:30 pm. Bring lots of coke and an overnight bag, you're going to need it. May the Lord have mercy on us all. Yours sincerely, Christ Dear Jesus, I feel awful. I'm cheating on my wife with a much younger woman, I do still love my wife but I feel our relationship has run its course. Should I come clean and leave her? I'm not sure if I want to move in with this other woman either. Oh I'm so confused. Torn in Tuam Dear Torn, You forget I am all knowing and all seeing. When you say you're not sure you want to move in with this other woman might that be because she's 17 and still lives with her parents? Listen bud, I feel for you, I really do, I mean who is expected to stay with the same woman all their life, especially when everything's after heading south if you know what I mean, eh, eh? I mean, I can see that this woman has been sucking the life blood out of you for a long time. Now but just a word of caution - she is entitled to half of everything sso I'd recommend a more permenant solution if you know what I mean…. maybe she should have herself a little accident…. Anyway, think about it. Sincerely, Christ [Jesus is on holidays. This week's answers were provided by Lucifer] |
 "I'm never drinking again."
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