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Issue Six - 24/02/05 |
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RTE in cloning scandal spanning three decades |
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The worlds of broadcasting and science were in shock yesterday at revelations that RTE
have in fact been cloning mediocre TV and radio personalities for years. The Ethics In
Broadcasting Commission were the ones to finally pull the plug on what has been an open
secret in Montrose for some time now. A spokesman for the commission said at a press
conference yesterday, "At first it was pioneering, there was the Gay Byrne prototypes that
worked surprisingly well despite those obvious teething problems - the weird speech
patterns and sing-song voice. However the Gay.1 model proved successful, each one
winning over its radio/TV audience with its familiar face and daring handling of sensitive
subject matter such as divorce, condoms and Annie Murphy."
When asked why the commission felt the need to blow the whistle on RTE's practices after all this time, the spokesperson replied "Well it's as simple as this: they got lazy. Gay.1 was a success but RTE did nothing to move on from there, to try and up their game. Instead they started making the presenters even more bland and innocuous than ever, and putting them everywhere, who can forget the Carrie Crowley episode? That model was only just put out of commission in time before the public got wise. And what about the on-going Pat Kenny fiasco? When RTE gave Ryan Tubridy his own chat show we knew something had seriously gone awry out in Donnybrook. Then low and behold they bring Gay.1 out of retirement for School Reunion, possibly the worst programme any of us have ever seen and an insult to the legacy of genetically modified TV presenters. This sort of biotechnology was introduced in RTE as a means to push the boundaries of presenting but they've just made a mockery of everything those pioneering men in the 70's stood for. "The final straw came when they unleashed the insipid, trite and unmemorable Anna Nolan on us in a tidal wave of programming. She's on the Marianne Finucane Show, she's on the Afternoon Show, she's got Anna in Wonderland, Is Anyone Out There? Well I'm afraid someone is out there and it's us, we've stood by and knowingly let this farce go on for too long" When probed as to what measures the Commission would be taking to curb the over-exposure that's going on in RTE the spokesperson gave the following cryptic answer: "We can't give too much away at the moment but let's just say we will be 'de-commissioning' all the clones past their sell by dates. So that's the Derek Mooney, Pat Kenny, Ryan Tubridy, Anna Nolan, Dave Fanning and Gerry Ryan models to start with. They'll be destroyed in a controlled environment, never to darken out screens again." The spokesperson declined any further comment on how these models would be destroyed but hinted that a reality TV show may be in the works. We at The Naked Galwegian can't wait. |
 Gay Byrne Prototype - still in action
 Anna - the final straw |