Mercuria: Woohoo! Updates! I would like to inform you all that this update is funded in part by Lisseyelen and in another part by "Minority Report". Why? Because I SAY so.
Notes: Erestor is the head of Elrond's household. We all remember Erestor, don't we? DON'T WE?
Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings isn't mine. That's riiiight! And the quote ("Ah, you did not like that little encounter ...") is from Lisseyelen's "Isengard's Captives" which you should ALL go read ... no, I am not being paid to plug people's fics.
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Thranduil was angry. And when Thranduil was angry, most of the people around him were nursing serious wounds.
"Y-your highness," the head of his household, an Elf named Nevladiel, said timorously, "your son is nowhere within the realm of Mirkwood forest."
Thranduil grabbed the poor Elf and began to shake her violently.
"Then where is he?!" he demanded. "I want to know what has been done with my son RIGHT NOW!"
"B-but yo-ur hi-ighness," Nevladiel cried. "Tha-at is impossi-ible! We don't even kno-ow where to begin our sea-earch!"
Thranduil threw her down in frustration and began to pace rapidly.
"Must think," he muttered. "Where could Legolas be? Think, think, think-"
Fortunately, the convenient arrival of a large eagle prevented Thranduil from having to further immerse himself in the painful process that was thinking.
"Hail, conveniently arriving large eagle!" Thranduil cried. "What news do you bring?"
The eagle shifted uncomfortably.
"Well, um, I have seen your son," it said.
"Where is he?!" Thranduil cried from a face-down position on the ground. He would have tackled the giant bird, but Nevladiel had seen it coming and thrown herself at his ankles.
The eagle blinked.
"He is ... uh, that is to say ..."
Thranduil glared and stood up, brushing himself off.
"Tell me what has been done with Legolas," he growled.
The eagle gulped again.
"He'sbeingheldprisonerbySarumanatIsengardandhe'sinbigbigTROUBLE!"
Nevladiel and Thranduil blinked.
"Then we must go rescue him!" Thranduil roared. "We shall send out Mirkwood's finest warriors to take Saruman by surprise and save my son!"
Nevladiel gasped.
"No, my lord!" she cried. "We cannot do that!"
Thranduil glared.
"Why not?"
Nevladiel appeared to be thinking.
"Well," she said finally, "to speak truthfully, I am not sure ..."
Thranduil groaned. 'Stupid subordinates ...'
"Who made you head of my household?" he demanded.
"YOU did," came the reply.
Thranduil looked as though he might seriously injure Nevladiel, so she quickly said, "My lord, I may not know exactly what to do, but one thing I am sure of is that we MUST NOT attack Isengard directly!"
The Elven king wrinkled his brow. He still wasn't sure exactly WHY attacking Isengard would be a bad plan, but he too was starting to get this nagging feeling that he should just let it go ...
"All right," he said finally, "so what must we do?"
The giant eagle had been trying to edge away stealthily throughout the Elves' conversation, but giant eagles are notoriously bad at sneaking. Nevladiel and Thranduil turned to glare at it. Cowed, it slunk back over to them.
"Well," it said to the frustrated Elves, "we could ... uh, well ... wait, I'VE GOT IT!"
Thranduil and Nevladiel tapped their graceful Elven feet impatiently.
"King Thranduil," the eagle said, "you shall send an envoy to meet with Elrond of Imladris, for he is wise and can help you!"
Thranduil scowled.
"I dislike Elrond," he said. "For he is a pansy and wears silly robes."
The giant eagle considered this while Nevladiel fingered her own robes self-consciously. Lord Elrond was something of a fashion icon to her.
"King Thranduil," the eagle said patiently, "now is not the time for petty prejudices and foolish pride. It is a generally accepted fact that all Elves wear silly robes."
Nevladiel and Thranduil glared.
"Do you desire to rescue your son?"
Thranduil nodded vehemently, and was probably about to launch into a long and flowery speech, but the eagle mercifully cut him off.
"Then we go to Imladris!" it cried.
*************
Legolas was busy doodling on the back of his hand with Saruman's magic marker. It was orange. Personally, he thought it would be more poetically just if it was white- or "of many colors". But no matter.
'I can't BELIEVE he [OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH, REALLY],' Legolas thought with a shiver. 'And I can't believe that eagle would abandon me! Grrr ... Saruman will die ...'
As if summoned by his thoughts, Saruman appeared behind him.
"Hello, princeling," Saruman whispered in what he probably thought was a seductive voice.
Legolas recoiled and hit Saruman over the head.
"BACK, DEMON!" he cried, a wild look in his eyes.
Saruman smiled knowingly.
"Ah ... you did not like that little encounter that you and I had last night, did you?"
Legolas snarled.
"All right, I'll take that as a no," Saruman said. Then he grinned. "But I think you WILL enjoy what I have in store for you today ..."
The wizard snapped his fingers and immediately two Orcs appeared, bearing metal torture devices.
"Just red-hot pokers today, boss?" one of them asked.
Saruman nodded curtly.
"Yes, that will do nicely."
Legolas blinked. Saruman knew about his fetish ...
Was this going to be a torture session ... or a TORTURE session?
**************
After many hours of riding, Nevladiel and Thranduil found a plot hole and reached Rivendell in a matter of seconds.
"What a rush!" Nevladiel cried as the plot hole spit them out.
Thranduil snickered. His second-in-command was sporting a look that could best be described as "electrical socket". Little did he know that his own hair looked even more ridiculous.
The two rode into Imladris, ignoring the stares and titters of bystanders. After several minutes of humiliation, they reached Elrond, who was basking in the sunlight on a delicate wooden chair.
"Um, my lord," Erestor was saying, "King Thranduil and the head of his household are comi-"
Thranduil coughed.
"Er, they're here."
Elrond turned lazily to observe them.
"Hail, friends," he said with a yawn. "What news do you bring?"
Thranduil growled. He looked as though he was about to lunge at Elrond, so Nevladiel quickly pinned his arms behind his back.
"What NEWS do I bring?!" Thranduil said incredulously, straining against the head of his household. "What NEWS? Only news of treachery and kidnapping, my LORD Elrond."
Elrond's eyes widened. He leapt up and grabbed Thranduil's shoulder.
"What do you mean?" he cried.
"I MEAN," Thranduil said, "that Saruman has betrayed us by kidnapping my son Legolas!"
Elrond gasped.
"And he's committing sexual improprieties with him!" the giant eagle (who once again managed to appear at an opportune time) screamed from high over Imladris.
Elrond gasped again. Thranduil went livid.
"YOU NEVER TOLD ME SARUMAN WAS SCREWING MY SON, YOU WORTHLESS BIRD!" he screeched. "NEVLADIEL, FETCH MY ARROWS!"
Nevladiel complied, looking extremely unhappy with the situation. The giant eagle quickly dove below the horizon line.
"King Thranduil, calm yourself!" Elrond cried. "Do not shoot the messenger!"
"Literally," Erestor added helpfully.
Thranduil scowled and handed his bow and arrows back to Nevladiel, who put them away.
"Thranduil, I will help you to retrieve your son," Elrond promised. "I will concoct a brilliant plan!"
There was a pause.
"Erestor."
"Yes, my lord?"
"Find Glorfindel and come up with a plan."
Erestor sighed.
"At once, my lord."
The Elf left. Thranduil glared at Elrond and thrust out his hand to be shaken.
"My thanks," he said gruffly. "Even if you are an indolent nancing prat with prissy robes, I am grateful for your help."
Elrond blinked.
"You are ... welcome," he replied, shaking Thranduil's hand.
"It's all right, my lord," Nevladiel whispered into Elrond's ear. "Your robes are quite stunning. Might I inquire as to where you purchased them?"
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Chapter Three
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