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Back to last part - When We Lost Track Of The Rounds
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I haven't been here in awhile. I mean, a lot of crazy shit went down. Liz left. Betty dumped me for Lonnie. Rath and Max died. Shannon, Nipsy, and Heather's here. It's crazy. And Katims was voted off. So, now I'm hoping Alex will put me in the play. That would kick ass.
Kyle's hurting. Rath's death has affected him deeply. So, I've tried to 'comfort' him. I had him write his problems in jello and eat it. But, see we didn't have any hamburgers. So we used the next best meat.
*His eyes gaze down at his crotch area*
And that Tess, she's a great sewer. She made me a loin cloth. I was trying to get everyone to call me Tarzan, so I swung through vines.
Camera Guy: There aren't any vines here.
Exactly. And I fell. It kind of hurt. But, Kyle was there to nurse my wounds. His kissed my boo boo's goodbye.
*Stands*
I should go. I have to go with Kyle and..discuss Robert Frost.
*Walks off, humming Lady Marmalade*
Oh, hi. I can't believe this tragic loss. Mr. Monkey Fantastico was the best friend I ever had.
Cameraman: You only met him a couple of months ago.
Shut up! He didn't deserve to die. He was so young! Most men don't get eaten by Shannen Doherty until they're at least 35. He had so much life ahead of him! That bitch! Luckily, she's getting the payback she deserves.
::flashback:: Laurie has tied Shannen Doherty to a tree in the woods. "Let's see how much you like it now!" she exclaims as she sets a TV set in front of the tree, on top of which lies a pile of videos, including Mallrats and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Laurie grins devilishly as she forces Shannen to watch every. Single. One. Multiple times.
Oh yeah, that was fun.
Cameraman: (sobbing) Mr. Monkey, why, why God, why?
He approaches Lonnie as she talks to another camera crew
Lonnie: Living in Camp GranoRaunchy is tough. Being half alien and half human can make life even rougher. Especially when I get those special urges. And when I get those special urges, I need just that, something special. The WonderWand 3000 has everything a girl or an alien needs. (Holds up the WonderWand.) The WonderWand 3000. Strong enough for a man, pleasureable for a woman, powered by Boeing.
Cameraman: Lonnie, what the Hell are you doing?
Lonnie: Hello!?! Do you not see the camera's? I'm shooting a commercial.
Cameraman: Excuse me?
Lonnie: This show has done wonders for my career. I've got endorsement deals out the ass. See, (waves contracts) Trojans, KY-Jelly, the WonderWand, Serta mattresses (looks directly into the camera) because they put the pushin' in the cushions.
Cameraman: Wait, you can't shoot commercials while you're on the island.
Lonnie: Why not? You guys are making a ton of money whoring my image. Why shouldn't I whore for myself?
Ava walks up to Lonnie handing her a box of 8/10 photos
Ava: Here Lonnie, de photos for yer fan club's here.
Cameraman: And this is?
Lonnie: My fan club. You know 'Lonnie's Bitches'. They're starting a campaign to buy me some beach front property in Santa Monica. Everyone who participates gets an autographed photo of me and a bottle of strawberry flavored lotion. (looks directly into the camera) For those late night tongue baths, we also have apple flavored, and filet mignon when you can't eat dinner.
Cameraman: Stop that.
Lonnie: What?
Cameraman: Talking into the camera.
Lonnie: Why? (Holds up a box of Jell-O) It's not just for dessert anymore.
Cameraman: Enough! What about Mr. Monkey? You do know he's dead right?
Lonnie: Poor Mr. Monkey, if only he'd used (holds up a condom) Trojans. They're ribbed for her pleasure.
Camerman: (runs away screaming) Gahhhhh!!
Hand me that petri dish, will you?
Cameraman: I'm supposed to be an observer.
Fine. Observe this. Raises his hand in a less than friendly universal gesture. Now, you gonna hand me that petri dish?
Takes the petri dish, and carefully adds a few drops from a beaker.
Cameraman: Where the hell did you get a petri dish, anyway?
Made it. We got fire, we got sand, and there was that great extension course, "Glass Making for Home and Industrial Use" that I took at Roswell Community College.
Inexplicable fussing with various tubes, vials, and the petri dish ensues. Finally ...
YES! I have it! Yes, yes, yes!!!
Cameraman: Jeez, you sound like Maria.
Don't you understand? It's the answer!
Cameraman: What was the question?
I took another home extension course ... this one was "Advanced Cloning for Dummies". Good thing I snagged Katim's VCR before he could take it out of here, and pulled some wire ... All I need to do is add a stream of alternating current, leave it overnight, and -- and --
Porno pauses, overcome with emotion.
Cameraman: What? What?
It's for Mr. Monkey Fantasico.
Camerman (sniffling suspiciously): But he's dead.
Yes -- but Shannen brought a plate of him over to Natural Causes. I took it and extracted this genetic material (waves test tube) -- don't you get it?!
MR. MONKEY FANTASTICO SHALL LIVE AGAIN!!!!
Ominous thunderclap as the camera fades to black.
CM: Check with Lonnie.
Maybe I should go find Jim. I heard he has his own wonderwand, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
CM: He's trying to clone Mr. Monkey Fantastico.
I know! I feel I should reward him by giving him a bl--massage. I mean, Monkey meant a lot to all of us, you know. We all miss him. And even though I think Shannon is one of the greatest bitches of all time, eating Monkey was wrong. I even gave Laurie my collection of Little House On The Pairie: New Beginnings tapes to make Shannon watch. She has to pay for what she did.
CM: She was Jenny!
That show just wasn't the same without Nellie. Nancy sucked.
CM: Weren't you dead when that show aired?
Technically, I still am. But we get cable in the afterlife, so it doesn't matter.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna go see if I can swipe some lotion and help Courtney lather up.
Not bad. We already have some tail.
Cameraman: Not going to touch that, nope, nope, nope ...
Cameraman: Jesus, you look like hell. Did you have another fight with Michael?
No, everything is fine with him. But did you see the votes for the last tribal council?
CM: Umm, yeah, I did.
*yelling* I can't believe so many people voted for me. *speaking in a more normal voice* I thought that I had made some friends here, and I've been open to new experiences, and this is what I get! I almost get voted off. I don't think I've been complaining about Michael that much. I mean, when he was mooning over the Lizbot, I managed to keep myself busy with the girls no matter how horrible I felt. Geez, I think I complained about him a hell of a lot more when Kato was writing my lines!
CM: Yeah, you did.
So what did I do to make so many people hate me? *sobbing* I don't know what I'll do if I get voted off today and Michael stays here with all these girls--oh hell, what am I worried about them for? I don't want Michael staying here with Kyle and Sean!
Isabel is gone. Why? Well, I'll let the commentary speak for itself:
"Cauase [sic] as much as she wants ta be Lonnie, she ain't even close. Isn't she dead anyway?"
"We need to get her body off the island. It's starting to stink to high heaven."
"Why? Because 'Incest is Best' should NOT be a personal motto! That and all the friggn' cryin'."
Aw, we don't blame you, Isabel. Except for the crying. Get you some Wellbutrin, girl, and post your last.
Yeah, well, with Max and Isabel being dead and voted off and Jim's trying to bring Monkey back and Maria's being upset about nearly being voted off and play practice; we've all been busy.
CM: Did you miss me?
No. Why would I? Besides, you're no Monkey.
CM: You're right.
Courtney, Michael, and I have been trying to cheer Maria up for the past few days. I even borrowed the WonderWand from Lonnie and them for a couple of hours. For Maria.
CM: Whatever you say.
Laurie's still trying to torture Shannen. How she can actually sit there and watch those movies without screaming and gouging her own eyes, I don't understand. I mean, even Heather ran for the hills crying when Laurie popped Girls Just Wanna Have Fun in the VCR.
CM: Oh, god, no. Bad flashbacks. Ew.
Tell me about it. I should get going. See how Jim's coming along with cloning Monkey.
Cameraman: A plan?
That's right. I'm going to make everyone like me! I was so upset the other day because I almost got ... oh, I can't even say it, but you know what I mean. Anyway, Courtney, Betty, and Michael have been bending over backwards (literally, heh) to cheer me up, and I'm feeling so much better now. I've got it almost all figured out.
CM: What's your plan?
First, I wanted to take care of Michael, Courtney, and Betty, who took such good care of me, so I set it up so Betty can hold on to the WonderWand for a couple more days. Now she and Courtney are taking a little time to themselves. They are so sweet together! And Michael is off on a walkabout with Kyle and Sean. I know I worry about how close Mikey's gotten with those guys, but he's so happy to have friends who actually like him, who don't punch him or boss him around or always make him take top. They're good for him, so I'm making sure I'm more, like, supportive.
And I wanted to do something for Porno, especially since he's been working so hard on Mr. Monkey Fantastico, so I ... um, played the spanking game with him and then hooked him up with Tess. She's going to make him feel better. I told him I'll take care of the bar. He doesn't know it yet, but Lonnie and Ava are going to join them in the back room. I convinced Lonnie that Porno was a good substitute for the WonderWand, and she's real excited about seeing how he reacts to "her twins," as she calls Ava and Tess.
Plus, I managed to get a tape for Laurie to use for her screenings with Shannen. Did you know Shannen was on Circus of the Stars? Twice! I can't tell you how I did it, but I found someone who had a copy (thanks again, Julie; you're the best) and I had it snuck in. Wait till Shannen sees herself on the trapeze! Laurie's going to love it.
Now the hard part was thinking of something for Brody, Alex, and Nicholas 'cause they're, well, weird, dead, and young, but I took this stuff that Porno had left over from making the cloning machine and I made a PlayStation and a Lara Croft game. Of course, I had to use Heather to make Lara, and Nipsey makes a great villain, but no one will miss them, right? I'm just glad I read Porno's copy of Game Machines for Dummies when he left it at the house.
CM: It sounds like you've got everyone taken care of.
Except for you. *Maria winks* There must be some way I can make sure you always film me in good light. *the screen goes black*
This week, Tess will be headed over to the Reject Resort. Apparently, the tribe blames her for, well, everything that ever went wrong on the show, and so she's arbitrarily getting the boot.
Next Tribal Council starts tomorrow, Friday night, at midnight.
Monkey replacement, guess what? I cloned myself!
The cameraman has a heart attack and dies. Another replacement is swiftly brought in.
CM: You what?
I cloned myself! I was watching the sherrif trying to clone the monkey, when I realized, wouldn't it be great if I could have a clone that could watch over Shannen Doherty in the woods while I played in the Jell-O pool with Maria and the WonderWand?
::flashback:: Porno is in his tent, working fervently on cloning Mr. Monkey Fantastico, when Laurie pops in holding her grandpa's sweater.
Laurie: Hiya, Jimmy Jim Jim! Wouldja like to smell my grandpa?
Porno: No! Laurie, please get out of my tent. This is an extremely complicated procedure.
Laurie skips over to Porno, and throws the sweater at him.
Laurie: It'll only take a minute! Here! ...Oops!
The sweater falls onto the slide containing Mr. Monkey Fantastico's cells. The slide shatters to the ground at Porno's feet.
Porno: Argh! Laurie! Now I have to start all over!
Laurie looks at the cells and a thought bubble appears above her head. Inside the bubble is a scene of Laurie holding the hand of a clone, skipping merrily through a patch of daisies.
Laurie: Hmm... Um, Sherrif, Michael just dropped a bar of soap outside.
Porno: *gasp* Where?
As Porno runs outside, Laurie picks up a shard of the slide containing the monkey's cells. She spits on the slide, and a perfect clone of herself--with Mr. Monkey Fantastico's tail--appears magically before her.
Clone: Hi! Hey, that's a nice sweater!
Laurie: *sighing dreamily* One day I am going to marry this clone.
::end flashback::
Come on, clone! Let's go take a tongue bath! Sorry, new cameraman. We'll have to catch up later.
CM: *whimpering* They told me I was going to work at Dairy Queen.
CM: Uh, he died of a heart attack when he found out that Laurie cloned herself.
And I was starting to like him.
CM: What's that you're holding?
Betty smiles It's the WonderWand 3000. Maria's the best doppleganger a gal could ask for. I have two more days with this baby.
I swear, Courtney, Michael, and I are gonna throw Maria the best orgy she's ever had.
CM: What the hell? An orgy?
We want to show her our appreciation. She has went out of her way to thank us for being there for her in her time of need.
CM: You people are sick.
You never met the twins; you really shouldn't judge us. Yes, we're not as conventional as some people but that doesn't make us sick. If you're not careful, I might have to accidentally let Shannen loose and let her eat you.
CM: I'm sorry. I'll be good.
Yeah, well, I got an appointment with the WonderWand, so I'll be back around later.
CM: starts to cry I want my mommy! Please, somebody get me out of here!
She ruined it. That stupid sweater-snorting brain-dead bimbo ruined it. I was almost there! Mr. Monkey Fantastico could have been reborn, but NO! Instead we get Laurie's own personalized re-make of "Bedtime for Bonzo". She contaminated the last of Mr. Monkey's DNA! We'll never see him again!
I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. I wanna sit down at Starbuck's. I wanna see another human being who remembers the first run of STAR TREK, the Original Series. I wanna see Amy! I wanna sign up for the fall extension courses! I wanna make baseball bats in my living room!
Out, out ... I want out ...
Oh, and by the way, tonight's special at Natural Causes is porcupine flambe. At least, I think it was a porcupine. Either that or a weasel that came off the looser in a really close contest with a barrel cactus.
Hope to see you there!
Kyle: What's here? A cup, clos'd in my true love's hand?
CM: Uh, Kyle, you ok?
Kyle: Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end - O churl! Drink all, and left no friendly drop to help me after?
Kyle pulls out a bottle of Vodka and chugs it. Then he stops and squints at the camera man.
Kyle: Hey, who are you? I don’t recognize you.
CM: Um, the last cameraman died. Heart attack. When he found out what Laurie did to the clone of -
Kyle: I will kiss thy lips. Haply some poison yet doth hang on them.
Kyle moves in towards the new cameraman, vodka falling from the tipping bottle.
CM: Hey, this is not what I signed up for. Get back! CM grabs his chair and brandishes it between himself and Kyle. Get back!
Kyle: I will kiss thy lips!
Michael runs in and pulls Kyle back from the cameraman. Kyle smiles dazedly up at Michael.
Kyle: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Michael: I have a “present” for you Kyle.
Kyle: You do?
Michael: Yes I do. But you have to be good, or I won’t give it to you.
Kyle sits docilely on the ground and starts chugging more vodka.
CM: What’s wrong with him?
Michael: He’s been like this ever since he found out what Laurie did to Porno’s clone of Mr. Monkey Fantastico. We were fuc- uh, practicing in the woods for the play, when Betty came and told us what happened.
CM: Is he going to be ok?
Michael: When I get through with him? Oh yeah, he’ll be fantastic. Although, I have to make sure I have enough time. Betty did mention an orgy we were throwing for Maria. Maria’s been really “supportive” lately. About me, Kyle, and Sean. If you know what I mean, and I think you do. Hey, that’s an idea. Maybe Sean can take over for me, if things run a bit long. How does that sound Kyle?
Kyle: Be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
CM: What did that mean?
Michael: He’s up for the switch, as long as I start going dow- uh, rehearsing with him first.
CM: Oh, uh, ok. So Kyle, you’ve really been “getting to know” Sean lately haven’t you? What with the writing on him in jello, nursing him after his failed attempt at vine swinging, and -
Kyle: It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part takes swig from the vodka bottle
Michael: Nor any other part other than Sean’s you know what that he kissed better for hours after Sean fell. I tried to distract him with some wrestling but… shrugs
Kyle: That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.
Michael: Oh, no way is Sean as sweet as me. You know you beg for it every time. Michael ignores the cameraman’s attempts to attract his attention. Sean just can’t compare. I’m the only one who can make you scream ou-
CM: Michael!
Michael: What?
CM: Family audience…
Michael: Oh, like they don’t know what’s been going on. I mean, they’ve been sending Lonnie KY Jelly! The WonderWand has had more screen time than I have! grabs Kyle’s bottle of vodka and storms off.
Kyle: My little horse must think it queer.
CM: Uh, yeah, Kyle. Everything’s a bit queer here.
Kyle: He gives his harness bells a shake, to ask if there is some mistake.
CM: Yeah, maybe if you shake his “bells”, he’ll forgive you for that “sweet” remark. Although, I suppose jello would make Sean sweeter. Hey, wait a minute. You aren’t quoting Juliet anymore. What’s going on?
Kyle: The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
CM: Oh no! Not that poem. Not that overused poem. Who’s writing this stuff? Kato, you promised vengeance in fall. Not now. You can’t start writing scripts now!! Cameraman looks around desperately for a bottle of something to drink. Seeing nothing he runs off to Natural Causes for a beer, shaking his head and muttering about recycled plots and breaking job contracts.
Kyle notices that everyone has left him and that Michael took his vodka.
Kyle: But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Kyle gets up and wanders after the camera man, shouting about needing to kiss his, uh, lips, like he promised earlier.
Cameraman: He was here a couple of days ago.
He's so discouraged. He wanted to kill Laurie when she ruined Monkey's clone, and now all he talks about is how much he misses my mother. It's really sweet, in a weird old-people kind of way.
And Lonnie was just unbearable for a few days. She said she had a great time with Porno and the twins, but then Tess left without even saying good-bye. She was really upset about it. That first day after Tess left she kept following Betty and me around, saying we should be her new twins, but we've been so busy with Courtney and the WonderWand that we haven't had a minute to spare. Then Laurie came by, and we told her she had to leave the clone with Shannen 'cause it's weird enough that Betty looks so much like me, but two Lauries is too much, especially since Laurie Too has that fucking tail. Anyway, Lonnie went crazy when she saw Laurie and Laurie Too. She's been muttering about her new twins all day, and Ava's just sitting in the tent crying. Courtney and Betty went over there to return the WonderWand, so they'll cheer her up.
Anyway, this whole thing with Porno getting all sentimental about Mom has got me thinking. I mean, he's missing her even though he's sitting here in the middle of all of us, even though he could get Lonnie to come back to the back room with him if he wants. It's so romantic. I really need some quality ... time ... with Michael.
CM: New cameraman. Do I have to go over this with each and every one of you idiots. The monkey is dead, you are stuck with me, just deal OK?
'K, dude. whatever. shakes head sadly Damn, you go away for 2 weeks and da whole place goes straight ta hell.
CM: Umm... helloo, go away? You were here the whole time, seriously, I have the tape to prove it.
Naw, it wasn't me. It was Tess.
CM: huh?
Now I don't mind her dat much, but some of the others really kinda hate her. She's da the jealous type- that girl. Always with the "why don't Lonnie love me like she loves you" and the "Zan never looked at me the way he looked at Max". Its enough ta drive ya freakin nuts. Anyways, Lonnie decided that things would be kick-ass if we let Tess hang wit us. The three of us had some great times in dat tent, and in da jello pool, and in uhh... yeah. But any time we weren't, uh... you know,... Tess was all up wit da jealousy crap. Then she got voted off, and she was mad pissed. But she came up wit a plan. She mindwarped everybody into thinking that I was her an' she was me. Everybody, here, da crew, da audience, everybody. I tried ta explain but dey made me go anyway.
slo-mo shot of three hulking men with shirts reading "security" carrying a flailing Ava (looking like Tess), out of the woods. At the last second, Ava/Tess looks directly into the camers, and lets out one last cry, Lonnie....
At first, I was mad, an' I missed Lonnie. But, yo, da Reject Resort is p phatty phat. There is people there waitin' on you hand an foot, anything you want any time day of night. All da food you can eat, and great entertainment, too. Its da shit! I even had time ta find a nice little beach front property for Lonnie to buy wit her fan's club's, "Buy Lonnie a Beach House" Fund. There's even a guest house for me in da back.
CM: Sounds like paradise, what are you doing back here?
F#$@%$@in' Peachy wouldn't let me stay. Lonnie figured out pretty quick da Tess wasn't me. She don't have my special, uh...skills, dat keeps Lonnie so happy. Tess might be a devious little tramp but she ain't a good liar, so as soon as Peachy heard what happened, we had ta switch back. Tess didn't wanna go, she cried in da tent for hours, but now everything is good, I'm me again. But I ain't had a chance ta see Lonnie yet, I gotta go find her.
As for the rest of you, I'll see you at the next Tribal Council, to be held Tuesday, midnight, EST, to Wednesday, midnight, EST.
And a rules announcement. Once we have only 10 Survivors left, we're going to restore the immunities. But there won't be any challenges. We'll be picking a number out of a hat, and the winner will have immunity for the next round. Ooh, the excitement!
Well, of course we all just sat there 'cause, shit, all Lonnie's done since we got here was get tail, and then Laurie came in crying. Now that's also totally normal, but she was carrying Laurie Too's tail! It turns out that Lonnie grabbed Laurie Too and Shannen and brought them back to her tent, thinking she could convince Laurie to be one of her twins.
Now Ava and Laurie say Lonnie was alone when they walked in and Laurie Too was moaning and yelling, "Jesus, I'm coming," so they thought Lonnie did something bad to her because she has something against human cloning. But Lonnie says that while she was giving Laurie Too a test run of the WonderWand, Shannen bit her fuckin' tail right off. Then Lonnie waved her hand at Shannen--you know, like Isabel does when guys bug her--and Shannen broke her neck when she went flying into the file cabinet full of that information about the aliens. I mean, we were all shocked. We forgot that stupid cabinet was even there.
Anyway, now Porno's investigating the whole incident, which is cool for him 'cause he's suddenly walking around like he's got a purpose again. But Ava is upset because Lonnie's locked up in the back room, and the rest of us girls are pissed 'cause Porno confiscated the WonderWand, saying it's evidence. I think I'm gonna be sharing Michael a lot till we get that baby back. But at least we had a decent dinner. Do you want to try some roast Shan--um, roast shamrock?
The decision was particularly hard for one of our final Survivors, as he admitted during Tribal Council. Of course, names changed to preserve anonymity....
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*X walks dejectedly up to the voting box and writes down a name on a slip of paper. He looks at the camera.*
I'm voting off Se-
*X stops talking. He can't seem to bring himself to finish the sentence.*
I, X, vote off Sea-
*X again breaks off. It looks as if he might cry. He talks a deep breath and mutters something about Buddha.*
*says at breakneck speed*
I vote off Sean because Michael said he wouldn't wrestle with me anymore if I didn't.
*X looks sad and relieved at the same time.*
There I said it. I vote off Sean.
*starts to walk away, but then rushes back to the camera.*
Sean I'm so sorry. But Michael is a REALLY good wrestler, if you know what I mean, and I KNOW you do. And Buddha says that wrestling is very important to keep one's body properly, uh, aligned. Please forgive me. We can write on each other in jello once this is all over.
*X looks imploringly at the camera for a moment and then heads to Natural Causes for a beer.*
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Next Tribal Council is Friday, midnight, to Saturday, midnight. For those gone over the weekend, feel free to send your vote in early. After this vote, we'll be down to our last 10 Survivors, and we'll restart immunities.
And they are, like, only five guys left, right?
CM: Alex, Michael, Kyle, Porno...and Nicholas. Yeah, that's five.
How in the world are we gonna survive without the WonderWand? Especially with Jim leading an investigation on Shannen's death.
I need a good wrestle in the Jell-O pool. I wonder if Michael and Kyle would mind if I joined them.
CM: I'm free!
In your dreams.
CM: Gah! Laurie, what happened to you?
Trust me, you don't want to know.
CM: Yeah, I really don't, but this is the Discovery Channel. The masses want to discover the joy--er, "horror"--of witnessing the brutal beating of one of television's hottest young female stars.
Oh, well, *giggles* it's nothing like that. You see...
Wavy flashback lines...
Laurie sits in a bare, deserted room under a lone naked bulb. She is tied to a dentist's chair with pieces of her clone's ex-tail. Porno is standing above her, fiddling with a letter opener. Every few seconds, a drop of water is heard dripping in the background.
Porno: Now, Laurie, I really don't want to have to hurt you. No, actually, that's a lie. Everyone here wants to hurt you. But that isn't the point of this little arrangement.
Laurie giggles girlishly.
Laurie: Oh, I know what the point is. I've heard stories, Porno. I know what you do at night.
Porno: SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK, BITCH!!!
Porno composes himself and clears his throat.
Porno: Now then, where was I? Ah, yes, the murder of Shannen Doherty. Now, you know full well that Shannen was practically a saint around these parts. Everybody loved her. But you...you tied her to a tree! You forced her to watch depictions of horror that wouldn't even suit Liz Parker's eyes!
Laurie: I won't tell you what happened! You can kill me if you must! Because you can take my sweater. You can take my clone's tail and let Maria use it as a temporary replacement for the WonderWand. But you can never take my clone's freedom!
At this moment, Laurie Too is wheeled into the room. Well, what's left of her is wheeled in, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Wavy flashback lines
And that's the story of the meaning of Christmas. Er, I mean, the brutal murder of my clone at the hands of Sheriff Valenti! Justice will be mine, I tell you! Justice will be mine!
CM: But Laurie, what about your play? You have two starring roles!
Play?
CM: You know, continuity?
*blankly* Con...ti...nu...i...ty?
CM: Forget it.
Oh, and tonight's special at Natural Causes is Clone on a Bun. Enjoy!
Meanwhile, I gotta go see if I can find any unadulterated Monkey Fantastico DNA in tonight's entree before Kyle grills it up. Later!
...Once again, I did NOT kill Laurie's clone! No matter how great the temptation.
For all we know, Tess mindwarped the whole clone thing in the first place!
I think the viewing audience agrees. Pack up your car and head to the Resort, young Nicholas. It's OK, Brody and Sean are eagerly awaiting your arrival.
We have finally arrived at our Final Ten Survivors. And your Ultimate Survivor cast of randomness is:
Alex
Ava
Lonnie
Kyle
Betty
Maria
Michael
Laurie
Valenti
Courtney
Our highly paid production staff spent the weekend working out an complicated computer algorythm to determine who would be the first receiver of Survivor Immunity. And the recipient is . . . Alex. Our young Kenneth Branagh wannabe cannot be voted out during this next round. Good luck to the remaining nine. And remember, no matter how bad it gets out there, at least Max is dead. That's always good news.
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On to next part - The Tribe Continues to Dwindle