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Back to last part - Round Nine
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MF: Um, Laurie, generally during this time you, um, confess. To me. About sex. I mean, about what’s been happening in your life. We only have a limited amount of time. Plus all your friends are mad at you after that crazy stunt you pulled yesterday, and I think I saw some people outside the booth waiting to poke you with many sharp pointy sticks. Perhaps you would like to speak up?
You never loved me, Humbert. You never cared about me!
MF: Um, I’m quite fairly certain I didn’t and I think you have me confused with someone else. Could we please hurry up? Courtney’s next and we have some *cough* business to take care of.
Oh Humbert, promise me you’ll never leave me! I could never wind up in one of those juvinile detention centers! I’d like it much better here with you than in one of those places.
MF: Okay, Laurie, please stand up. You’re starting to turn me on.
If you don’t mind, I want a big plate of French fries and a malt.
MF: Laurie, you know we don’t have that kind of food here. Gah! Leave me alone!
Wake up, Humbert! The hotel is on fire! It’s burning down!
MF: Okay, remember when we found out you weren’t really crazy? I think that was a mindwarp. Michael, come in here, I’ve got her in my grasp! I mean, um, ew! Not like that! And take that silly hat off, Laurie, I think they’re going to want to beat you upside the head as well.
An angry mob of former Raunchies, including Kyle, Michael, Maria, and Courtney, come storming into the confessional booth weilding torches and flamethrowers.
Damn! I knew this disguise wouldn’t work. The bikini is rather attractive, though. It brings out my emaciation. Gah! Monkey, get away while you still can!
fade to black
Of course it’s me. Who you talking to anyway? Everyone knows it’s me.
Cameraman: *cough maybe-they-won't-recognize-you-what-with-the-recast cough*
What did you say?
Cameraman: Nothing *cough just-hope-the-show-doesn't-jump-the-shark cough*
Man you’ve really got to take some diction courses or something. Maybe Nicholas can set you up with a speech program after he finishes the one for the Bot, er, I mean Liz.
Cameraman: Well, you look chipper. Last time we saw you, you were crying over the Jello incident.
Well, I was pretty upset. I mean, I’ve told Tess time and again that I don’t want her to use that mind freeze-
Cameraman: Warp.
Yeah, whatever. I told her not to use that mind warp on me. Off limits and all. So I was pretty upset. But Lasik, he took me to Natural Causes and comforted me over some wilderness cocktails. Then we joined Nicholas in the newly refilled jello pool for some bondage, er, bonding.
So I was feeling a lot more relaxed, and decided to talk to Tess about the whole incident. I figured maybe she framed Max as a practical joke. Kind of like what Is and I were doing last week. You know, when we made him think his pecs shrunk during the night.
*flashback* We see Max sleeping soundly in his tent. A slightly inebriated Kyle and Isabel sneak up slowly. Isabel starts manipulating Max’s molecules *ew, not in that way, at least not right now* Isabel sneaks back over to Kyle. They shout “Max, watch out, the Liz-bot is coming straight for you”. Max jumps out of his bed, and then stares down at his miniscule pecs and starts wailing like a little baby. He runs out of the tent and starts punching the trashcans until he sees Isabel and Kyle laughing. A single tear runs down his face.
It’s too bad Isabel didn’t feel like doing any more jokes after that. Something about not wanting to disfigure her home. Anyway, I thought that it was a classic. I mean, these aliens don’t use their powers enough for fun stuff like that. Except, you know, during bonding. But that’s a whole nother subject.
Cameraman: Speaking of that, have you and Michael come to terms with his warped Liz obsession.
Oh yeah. Michael and I are ok now. We’re even going to wrestle this afternoon, after he finishes making up with Maria and Betty. I asked Courtney if I could watch, but she said they needed some alone time to, er, talk. Nicholas and I might go burn a hole in the tent and watch anyway.
But back to Michael, I told him that I understood. I once had a bout of craziness in the Bot area too. *blushes* Not something I’m proud of mind you. Hmm… I wonder if I was being warped back then.
Cameraman: Or maybe you just pretended to be interested in her to get close to Max.
Why does everyone have to keep turning this back to his Royal Pansiness? At least Tess and I understand what a worthless ass, ok, he has a great ass, but it’s still worthless, Max is. We bonded over his general stupidity and lack of color in his wardrobe. Tess wishes Zan was still around. She found him to be more of a man, even with the whole death thing. I told her that going to watch Ava and Lonnie might make her feel better. Watching them always makes me har- er, happy. Especially since they got the WonderWand working again. She said maybe later.
What she wants to do now is watch Max completely flub his audition for Juliet. You know, he must really be practicing, because I haven’t seen him in a few days. He came to me last week though, to beg me to do Romeo. *ew, not that way, at least not yet, I have to see who’s cast* He told me that he’s made a lot of mistakes lately, which of course, is the understatement of the year. Anyway, he said he’s made a lot of mistakes, but he’s been right about one thing, to get me into his life, to be around me, to love me.
Like I’m going to fall for that. Who does he think I am? The Bot?
Of course, he got really upset that I didn’t immediately suck- er, hug him. He went off about how he gave up his home for me, and I said, well, maybe you can still catch a ride on the Granoilth.
Cameraman: You don’t think you were being a little harsh?
No, I mean, he’s got to let me have some time to myself for a bit. And some time to bond with my teammates. I just can’t deal with his constant whining and that creepy grin he gets sometimes. Don’t even get me started on that.
Cameraman: So you aren’t at all worried that he’s been gone for awhile?
No. Why, is there something you aren’t telling me? I haven’t really been paying attention. Still trying to figure out who got Laurie drunk enough to pull that crazy stunt. I mean, is something wrong? *looks a little worried*
We've tallied the votes, and they tell a sad story. A story of a girl. A shiny haired girl. A shiny haired girl who worked her way up through the cutthroat world of animatronics, from her humble beginnings at a sleezy Chuck-E-Cheese to her grand debut Epcot Center, to realize every android's dream: a regular role in an ensemble teen sci-fi drama on the UPN.
Sadly, this afternoon, her career was cut short by a bunch of gamey perverts with email accounts.
Liz, know that we, the hosts, feel something for you that might be called love if you translated it by machine into Russian and then back into English, and please post your closing thoughts.
ANYway, Lonnie said that they inadvertently boosted the Lizbot's power, but Liz made the decision on her own to mindwarp Michael into breaking up with me and having a thing for her. Man, did I show her! Her ass is so out of here!
MF: Whoa, Betty, who died?
Betty lifts veil to reveal her tear-streaked face
The Bot has been voted off the island.
MF: I thought you'd be ecstatic. Why aren't you celebrating?
I-I-I miss her!
MF: She hasn't left yet.
But she wasn't harassing us while Maria and Michael and I made up. I kinda missed the metallic clang she'd make when she dropped her arms to her side, trying to look exasperated.
Betty stops and thinks for a moment
You don't think it's a mindwarp, do you?
MF: It's possible.
Wait till I get my hands on the piece of scrap metal...Not like that! The only thing she was really good for was getting the WonderWand working again.
Anyway, I have to go. Courtney and I have some make-up s--bonding to do as soon as the Bot leaves.
Betty pulls the veil back over her face and begins to walk away, briefly pausing
I know I wasn't the best 'girlfriend,' but Liz and I had our moments, though none of them are on film. I really will miss her. And I have to admit, I'm jealous of her shiny hair. No one else on Earth has shiny hair like hers. I'll remember the good times, though there were few, they'll remain with me forever. Part of me will always be Liz's Betsie.
Monkey can be heard crying
MF: Betty, that was so beautiful. I think that's one of the most touching things I've ever heard.
Betty straightens up
You ever tell anyone about this and I'll sic Nicholas and Laurie on you, Monkey boy. Got that?
MF: Yes, ma'am.
Yeah, you'd better.
Betty walks off
CM: So, how's it hangin' . . . Rath? I mean, Mr. Cosby.
Hey Theo! Boy, I been lookin' all over for ya'! I wanted to talk to you, my boy, about what's been goin' on with my Puddin Pop Enterprise. I been runnin' around like a blind turkey, on speed, in July! In any case, I got some information for you about who killed Mush Mouth!
CM: Theo? Rath, I mean . . . Mr. Cosby this is "Roswell/Survivor" not "The Cosby Show." Killed Mush Mouth? Don't you mean Monkey Fantastico?
Boy! Don't you dare sass your elders when I'm talkin' to ya'! Where's little Rudy at? I've been lookin' all over for her. Sheesh, I heard that they just kicked Sandra off the island. I know Vanessa and especially Clair are gonna' be so upset.
CM: Theo? Vanessa? Clair? Sandra? Rath, what's wrong with you? Why haven't you shifted back into your normal form just yet?
Look boy, if you gonna' work with me on this island you gonna' have to learn what the hell I'm talkin bout! I ain't got time to explain all of the flippity shalbin ka gurgin to ya! Here's what we gon' do. We gonna' run down all of the people on dis island togetha' so you can get it straight and I won't have to beat ya' ass. That way, you can find out who the murderah' is and take 'em to court!
CM: Okay, I'm ready. We'll try this Cosby, but no funny business!
Funny Business? It wasn't her. She runs around with that messed up sweatah, lookin' like Oprah Winfrey on crack.
CM: You mean Laurie-In-A-Box? She has a sweater.
Sweater? No, he ain't around here and Funny Business most certainly can't catch that one. He's off with Cry Baby probably, those two spend so much time together. I think somethin' is up. He's probably still upset about Girly-Man.
CM: Cry Baby? I thought that was Liz Parker? She just got kicked off of the island.
No, my Sandra just got kicked off of the island. She's married to Elven.
CM: Elden? Sandra is married to Elden so I guess that's Sean DeLuca?
No, Elden is the paintah' man from "Murphy Brown!" He don't do nothin' but paint and complain. Sometimes he gives out advice too, to that AT&T girl!
CM: AT&T Girl?
You know, the girl with the long hair. Girl got more extensions than the phone company!
CM: Maria? Maria DeLuca? Sean's cousin and Liz's . . . I mean, Sandra's friend?
Maria? The singah? The one that runs around with Jelly Roll.
CM: Jelly Roll? You mean Michael? Michael is with Maria . . . at least they were at one time.
Michael? Nah, you mean Old French Hoe-Cake!
CM: Who is Old French Hoe-Cake? Courtney?
Old French Hoe-Cake is Vanessa! Courtney is Corn Flake.
CM: So Courtney is Corn Flake? I get it! Because her skin is flakey?
No, she's Corn Flake because of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!
CM: Wait, so Courtney is Corn Flake because she's the Fresh Prince?
Nah, the Fresh Prince ain't born yet. That's Sweater and Fluffy Combs' son.
CM: Let me get this straight. Fluffy Combs can't be Liz Parker because Liz Parker is Sandra. Cry Baby is Isabel. Funny Business is Laurie. Maria is AT&T. Sweater is Max. Michael is Jelly Roll. Courtney is Corn Flake. The Fresh Prince is Max's future son. So Fluffy Combs has to be Tess!
Right! Right! Right Theodore! Despite your dyslexia you still my best and brightest.
CM: Well then who is Old French Hoe-Cake?
Old French Hoe-Cake is Vanessa! She's upset about Sandra leavin'!
CM: Wait, let me try this . . . who is Rudy?
Rudy is my little child. Her and Clair ain't gettin' along so well. They had some problems in the past.
CM: So Rudy is a girl, she's little, she's your child and she's not getting along with Clair?
Rudy been runnin' around sayin' she ain't no girl either. She's gonna' upset Clair. She been upsettin' me so I told her she can be a boy if she wants to. I'm an acceptin' parent. Poor girl been through so much. Jelly Roll couldn't control the "slide of his shake" once and knocked Charmaine upside a tree.
CM: Wait . . . the smallest person on this island is Nicholas. So Nicholas is your girl Rudy!
No.
CM: Nicholas isn't Rudy?
I ain't say that. I said Rudy isn't a girl cause she don't want to be a girl. She's like, a girly-man now or somethin'. Now that I think about it, that Girly-Man sure do love Puddin' Pops though. Especially the brown ones, if ya know what I'm sayin' and I think you do!
CM: Girly-Man? Wait -- let me think. Rudy is Nicholas and your little girl but she's not your little girl because Rudy told you she was a boy. Jelly Roll hurt Rudy?
No, Jelly Roll hurt Charmaine! Charmaine is usually with Clair.
CM: So Clair has to be Lonnie and Ava has to be Clair because she was hurt by Michael who is Jelly Roll! Lonnie is upset about Liz Parker leaving?
Yeah! She is! She ain't been spendin' as much time with Girly-Man as she has been in the past. He and Sweater are still upset with one anothah!
CM: Okay! I've got it! Sandra is Liz. Clair is Lonnie. Rudy is Nicholas. Ava is Charmaine. Sean DeLuca is "Elven" not "Elden" who was Sandra's husband. Theo is . . me . . . because you just called me Theo! And Vanessa is . . . Old French Hoe-Cake? What about Girly-Man? Who is that?
Right! Right! Right! Girly-Man and Old French Hoe-Cake use to play with Salsa!
CM: Look, all I want to know is who Old French Hoe-Cake is!
Well, she's best friends with Cousin Pam.
CM: Cousin Pam? Who's Cousin Pam?
We used her to regenerate the show sometime after Denise left and went to college.
CM: Denise? Denise? Denise? There's a Denise? You said Denise left and Pam was used to regenerate the show after she left.
Yeah, we used Denise and then Denise's girl by that Martin, that Sailor Man. You know her, that little girl, Olivia.
CM: Look, man! I'm getting real tired of playing this game. Just tell me who Old French Hoe-Cake is!
Old French Hoe-Cake is Vanessa!
CM: Listen! Rath, who are you!
Rath ain't Bill Cosby. I'm Bill Cosby. Sometimes Bill Cosby is Cliff Huxtable! Right now I'm Cliff Huxtable.
CM: Who are Cousin Pam, Oliva, Martin the Sailor Man and Salsa?
Cousin Pam use to hang out with Girly-Man, Olivia and Fluffy Combs!
CM: Cousin Pam . . . so that's Tess? Tess lived with Kyle and Porno. You said Tess was Fuffly Combs and Girly-Man was Kyle. Wait! The dupes! Ava! Ava! Ava is Cousin Pam! I thought Ava was Charmaine?
Ava is Charmaine. Cousin Pam is gone.
CM: So Cousin Pam is Amy! Girly-Man is Kyle! Although I have no idea how this works, Olivia is Valenti! So if Denise left and Pam was used to regenerate the show then Denise has to be either Duff or Topolsky! That means Betty has to be someone . . . who is . . . not them?
Sailor Man is havin' the same problem as my Not!Girl Rudy. Salsa is gone. You ain't hear much from her though. She ain't get along too well with Olivia.
CM: Sailor Man is probably a woman because Rudy doesn't like you calling her a girl. Rudy is actually Nicholas! Then Sailor Man is Betty! Sailor Man was with Denise who had to be Topolsky! If she was Topolsky then Salsa was Duff!
Right!
CM: So here we go . . . Fluffy Combs is Tess. Cry Baby is Isabel. Funny Business is Laurie. Maria is AT&T. Sweater is Max. Liz is Sandra. Michael is Jelly Roll. Courtney is Corn Flake. The Fresh Prince is Max's future son. Nicholas is Rudy. Mushmouth is Monkey Fantastico. Clair is Lonnie. Charmaine is Ava. Cousin Pam is Amy. Girly-Man is Kyle. Olivia is Valenti. Betty is Martin, the Sailor Man. Denise is Topolsky. Salsa is Duff. Elvin is Sean DeLuca. Elden is the annoying painterguy from "Murphy Brown." Robert Culp was your partner on "I Spy." I'm Theo and you are sometimes Cliff Huxtable but right now you're Bill Cosby but not Rath!
You are correct sir somebody get this man a blunt!
CM: So who is Old French Hoe-Cake?
That's Vanessa!
CM: I'm going to go make a chart and we'll talk later.
You'll figure it out in time son. Right now I think Girly-Man's about to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a . . . Cosby. Ha! I'll see ya' later son!
Rath as Bill Cosby skips along the beach whistling the theme to, "Picture Pages."
MF: Erm, aren't you unhappy that you've been voted off?
Yeah, I am. Very. I'm unhappy that I'm going to be seperated from my dearest Betsie, I'm unhappy that I never found my damn vitginity *looks under a log* oh wait, here it is!
MF: Hey cool, what does it look like?
I'm not telling you, cos you voted me off the island!
MF: But I never vote--
Silence! I need to go comb my hair!
Ooh! I gotta go, my helicopter's here! Byeeeee!
Well, you'll be happy to know that, while my ribcage was broke several times over and my spleen seeped out of my body through my ass and is currently on display at Natural Causes, I was not killed. In fact, I was rescued by Liz on her way out of the woods. She was actually very nurturing, considering that I voted her off and all. That girl has got quite a tongue on her! She showed me holes I didn't even know I had!
But that isn't the point. The point is that the cast for the play was listed, and I got a part! I'm not Juliet--that went to Max, and you know he blew Alex from here to eternity to get the part--but I get to be Juliet's mom. Cool, huh?
Laurie shows the cameraman the cast list for the play, which reads as follows:
Juliet -- Max
Romeo -- Kyle
Capulet -- Rath
Lady Capulet -- Laurie
Montague -- Nicholas
Lady Montague -- Betty
Mercutio -- Lonnie
Benvolio -- Ava
It's kind of weird. Half of these people didn't audition.
Cameraman: Laurie, you've been confessing an awful lot lately. I'm beginning to wonder if something has gotten into you. Between this and that Lolita in a Box stunt you pulled the other day, I can't help but thinking maybe you've got the hots for me...
Well, yeah. I mean, no. But I've been finding myself doing some weird shit lately. I'm pretty sure I'm being mindwarped. The other day I found Tess in my tent sniffing my spanky pants. I figure maybe she needs to get the scent of the person she's going to mindwarp before she mindwarps them.
Cameraman: Um, actually, she doesn't.
Whatever. The point is, I think she mindwarped me into telling everyone about my alliance's plans. I may be stupid, but I'm not that stupid. ...Ooh, look, a bobby pin!
Cameraman: Here endeth this confessional.
Anyway, in our continuing efforts to make the Roadkill Room a fun place where you can NOT bring the whole family, we have recently added ...
A Back Room
If you don't know what that means, you probably don't want to. If you do -- bring your own lube.
And don't forget to stop by Natural Causes main dining room for some tasty sweetbreads flambé! (Thanks, Laurie!)
Plus, Izzie and the Space Cadets will be doing yet ANOTHER concert this Friday. Only a half-hour set, but trust me, it will feel like a lifetime!
Coming next week -- live video feed from the Back Room! Including instant replays with color commentary from yours truly! Plus I'll going in to do some up close and personal interviews. (Hey, I miss Amy and all, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!)
MF: You look happy, what's with the smile?
Ain't you heard, Monkeyman, Lonnie fixed up the Wonderwand 5000. We been showin' some of the other girls the joys of such a wondiferous machine. 'Sides when I broke it, I was all pissed at my stupidity, and I didn' wanna make Lonnie mad, she loves dat thing more dan life itself.
MF: Wait you broke it? Do I even want to ask how that happened?
Yo, since you aksed, it all gots started last week...
Cue Flashback film. Ava and MF continue in V.O. as last weeks events appear on screen
Here's da thing, I'm trying to get a part in Opie's play, I would be such a bitchin' Juliet.
MF: umm, ok. I thought you were a DJ.
Oh, but I am, yo, see haters like you never see da whole picture. For me the actin, da musics, my paintins, all one in the same, its all about the art. Like my girl J-Lo, its all about the expression, we can't be pigeonholed into one artform, it would be stiflin to our creavity.
MF: whatever, back to the story please.
Okay, so anyways, I'm out in the woods, practicin my lines, and I start thinkin. This actin shit is all about da politics, Opie ain't gonna cast me, he's all afraid of me lately, always yellin at me to stay out of his mind, me and Tess. I ain't never been in his head, I think its probably real scary in there. So I came up with this plan to get my actin career goin'.
on video we see Ava shapeshift into Claire Danes.
Yo, so I'm out being Juliet when Kato and SeannyD come walking by on one of Kato's nekkid nature walks. They see me, and Seanny yells out "Chase!" then faints. I'm all like "chase what?" Cause the only thing I chase is Lonnie, its dis game we, umm... nevermind. Anyways, I figure I should make sure SeannyD is ok, since Kato is bein non-helpful like always. Seanny kind of woke up, mumblin about how he always knew I would come for him, that he could love me like Jordan never could, then passed out again. Jordan, I don't know no Jordan. I would have helped him more, but that pain in da ass Kato kept getting my way. He's fallin all over me, tellin me how much he missed me, that I was the shining star in his otherwise crappy life, he knew I wouldn't forget the little people,blah, blah, blah fawningcakes. I don't know what in the name of Krypton he was talkin about. These people from the Granolust tribe are nutty. Anyway's Kato goes "I knew you'd come back and do another show with me Claire, what we had was special." I tried to tell the guy that I wasn't this Claire person, I was only tryin to work on my Juliet. I even changed back into me. But he wasn't havin it. He followed me back to my tent, waving all dis paper paper all up in my grill, yelling "I have scripts, so many wonderul scripts for you to look at, Claire, we can take television by storm once again! We were television revolutionaries!" He was chasin' me all around still butt-ass ugly nekkid, and I was getting really freaked. So I grabbed the first thing I could find, which just happened to be da WonderWand, I was just gonna hit him with it, maybe knock him out for a while, but I was really scared. I must have given da thing an energy boost cause when it hit him, it kind of zapped him out like I'd hit 'em with a real powerful tazer. I didn't mean to hurt him, but yo, he's creepy.
End flashback, View of Ava in the confessional chair, still grinning away
MF: Wow, that must have been some ordeal, but didn't you hear, the play has been cast? You are Benvolio, Max is Juliet.
What. What? WHAT?!?!? Benvolio, who da hell is dat? It was the pecs, wasn't it? What kind of man has a chest dat big anyway? I need some cheering up, where's Lonnie?
Good luck everyone, and congratulations to the cast of Romeo and Juliet. All of our loyal Discovery Channel viewing audience is waiting with baited breath for your reinterpretaion of this classic.
I'm focusing. Have you seen my cast list? I must focus!
*Alex wanders off in the direction of Porno's Pub jotting things on a clipboard, mumbling under his breath*
Vulture 1: Dem was tasty.
Vulture 2: You mean da one wit da hair? Cuz da otha one didn't be havin no meat on dem bones. 'Cept for that nice long donkey-schlong. Yeeah mama!!
V1: I wonder how long dem been out here? Cuz they sho' be rank!
V2: Hey, 'ave some rekspect! Dat one be havin' a crown on his head. And dat other one got the tig ol' bitties that feed us plenty. But yo, that's sum mean shit wit dat dagger in 'er side. It's like dey be livin' out Tromeo & Juliet or some shit.
V1: Ah shit, man. I don't be feelin' too good. That Tromeo mofo wit da crown...did he taste kinda funny to you? Like he been downin' the poison or some shit?
V2: Dumb fucker, you munchin' on dem rat lips o' his? He drank poison you dumbshit.
V1: Uuuuuugh....
*Vulture 1 begins foaming at the mouth. His beady eyes bulge out of his teeny head and he falls over dead*
V2: Dumb muthafucka! Ah well, I hear dey be missin' demselves sum cast membas out there at Naterel Kauzes. Maybe I can be gettin' me some grub.
Rath: Ouch! What was that for?!
Rath: What do you mean I'm impersonating someone I'm not? I'm the Jello man! Who's Rath? Does he like Puddin' Pops™?
Rath: Dammit woman, stop hitting me!
Rath: Man, everybody uses the word Hoe-Cake. And writes songs titled after it. Did you hear my #1 hit 'Mack of the Year'? I shoulda won a Grammy for that one. I was robbed! Damn white bitches, got no rhythm...can't keep a beat. Hookers my ass! I wasn't gettin any play. Then again, I am old and ugly, but that's neither here nor there.
Rath: I only had that dream about you once! I can't help it if you with a shotgun, wearing a wedding dress, and riding a Harley turns me on. A man has needs! And Clair just isn't servicing them.
Rath: What are you talking about? I didn't steal none of your friends! I just wanted to be closer to you, even though you'd never have anything to do with me even if I were the last man on Earth because I'm a hoe-cake eatin, bastard impersonating, LL Cool J head gear wearin, friend stealing, web nerd fuckass. Can we still be friends? If I pass you in the hall will you say hi? Come on, I'll give you a Puddin' Pop™!
*After what appears to be one last swift kick to the head, Rath crumples to the forest floor unconscious*
Spectre: What can I say? If someone fucks around, they're gonna get a fat lip.
MF: Nope. I haven't seen him. You might want to ask Isabel. I know you've been seeing her, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
*Alex give MF a "go to hell" look that has the Alex thread over at MBTV alive with unheard of levels of Alex-love*
No, I haven't been seeing Isabel, if you must know. Thanks for reminding me, jerk.
*With Isabel missing and Liz gone, Alex goes off to seek comfort from Maria*
Betty: You bitch, leave Liz alone! She's mine.
Laurie: I didn't do it! She started it!
Betty and Laurie roll around on the ground, Betty clawing at Laurie
Alex: What are you two doing? This isn't in the script!
Betty: You can't have her! Her tongue belongs to me! Stay away from her!
Laurie: Liz isn't even here anymore.
Betty: It's all your fault!
Betty throttles Laurie
Laurie: Ahhh!!!!
Alex: Stop! You're going to ruin my play!
Ava and Lonnie pull Betty off of Laurie. Rath helps Laurie up.
Betty: You just remember, once we're all outta here, you stay away from Liz! If you don't, I'll burn every single one of your Grandpa sweaters!
Lonnie: Yo, I know jus' da thing to make you feel better. How about spendin' some time wit da WonderWand? Would you like dat?
Betty, close to tears, nods: Uh-huh.
Lonnie: C'mon.
Betty and Lonnie walk off
Alex: Hey, where are you going? We're not done with rehearsal yet! We haven't even started! Come back!
The voting this week was 8 for Max, 8 for Rath. One proxy vote for Max was set aside, as we did not receive the permission to vote by proxy at the time voting finished.
As neither Max nor Rath have any previous votes cast against them, they will both be leaving Survivor Island. We look forward to hearing your final words.
In the meantime, some voting comments by our participants. Rath's stench and his annoying habit of bursting into rap at all hours of the night apparently did not sit well with some of his fellow contestants. As for Max, well even dead he still managed to irritate everyone.
"Would you want to witness the pecs shirtless for any longer than you had to? No, didn't think so."
"Why Max? 'Cuz there's only so much dick a girl can take."
"Did you see the cast list for Romeo and Juliet? You know Max had to have blown Alex from here to kingdom come to arrange that. "
Kyle! Kyle! I've come to save you.
Kyle: Rath! What are you doing here? Never mind! Save me!
Max: Don't you understand Kyle? Begins to sing. Why do birds, suddenly appear . . . every time . . . you are near! Just like me! They long to be . . . close to you!
Rath rushes towards Kyle and in one, swift stride hurls Max towards the ground. On the way down he screams like a little girl and lands with a "swish." If you know what I mean and I know you do.
Rath unties Kyle as the island begins to shake.
Kyle: Rath it hurts . . .
Please! Don't talk! It's not like da' writers ever gave you have any actual dialectical character traits that come through in yo' dialogue. Sheesh, don' start now!
Kyle: Oh, God! Rath!
A droplet of blood begins to run down Kyle's leg and then falls towards the ground. The blood stops in the middle of the air a few feet down. Suspended, in the air, the blood explodes into a crackling white ball of energy.
Rath quickly unties Kyle and throws him over his shoulder. Rath turns to run, yet Scooby Doo style he doesn't seem to go anywhere.
Lets get outta' here!
Kyle: I can't. The cast of Roswell/Survivor is infected with more venereal diseases than we can count. Look what my blood did!
What? We gotta' get down!
Kyle: Rath, it's started.
The ball grows and shoots bolts of energy towards the cast of Roswell/Survivor. Rath and Kyle look in amusement at the events below as the cast is tossed around like rag dolls.
Kyle: I'm sorry . . . you have to leave the island. You've been voted out. They even saved the special effects budget all for you. Dang!
Snap! Ya' know, it don't matter. Nothing --
Kyle leaps from Rath's shoulder and rushes towards the end of the platform. Rath grabs him and pulls him back. Standing in front of him he shakes his head.
What you doin' fool!
Kyle: I can end this.
Nah! I'm gettin' tired of dis' place. Seriously, it's no fun anymore. It's suckin' da' friggin' life outta' me.
Kyle: I have to jump. I'll go in your place.
It'll kill ya'! Don' you know dat'! Besides, you are much more popular with women 45-68 than I am.
Kyle: I know. Rath, I know about the ritual! I have to stop it. You promised abstinence while on this island. You've never broken that promise . . . except for a few times with me but we can't really call that "sex" can we?
No! Not at all!
Kyle: I have to! Look at what's happening!
A large Rosie O’Donnell floating balloon appears from within the vortex and flies over the island. The cast trembles in fear.
No! You have ta' stay! I was voted out! Da' island needs the cheap sex and entertainment you offer . . . . perhaps three or four times a night, if you're up to it and don't have a headache!
Kyle: You have to! You have to let me go! Blood starts it, and until the blood stops flowing it'll never stop. You know you have to let me jump into the vortex. Or we could go through a series of flashbacks and you could jump in yourself after formulating an inane hypothesis of just why indeed your blood would close the barrier between realities.
"Nipsy Russell" and "Shannon Doherty" emerge from the vortex and land on the island. Shannon rushes towards Laurie in a Box, claws extended.
Shannon Doherty: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
Laurie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Laurie runs for the hills.
Nipsy: Why Ms. Lonnie girl why fight and tussle when you could take a ride on Nipsy Russell!
Lonnie screams and rushes behind Laurie.
Rath furrows his eyebrows and looks at Kyle in despair.
We flashback to Lonnie and Ava running on the beach in thongs, Lonnie screams, "Rath! Are you starin' at our headlights?" Rath shakes his head, "No." Lonnie continues, "Well then!" Lonnie and Ava remove their bras and continue to run as Ava screams, "Eyes forward!"
Another flashback, Rath stands in the middle of the woods with the first slayer, "Death is your gift! Hey, are you staring at my big, bandaged, yet amazingly supple, milk chocolate, chick-boobs?" Rath shakes his head no.
Another flashback, Rath helps Liz Parker discover who lost her virginity. Rath leans over and picks up a banana from beside the campsite. Liz asks, "Maybe that’s a clue Rath! What is it? A banana? Rath are you staring at my breasts? Why . . . Max never stares at my breasts. You know, you're kind of cute when you . . . stare at my breasts. Do you wanna' see? I won't tell anyone . . . " Rath begins to run away. "Wait! Where are you going! Come back! Don't you see you're my destiny!"
We return to the present.
Kyle: No! You don't have to!
Yeah, I do. This is the storyline, which has been assigned to my character. I'm more than sure it was planned eons before this night. Rath looks at the camera. If ya' know what I mean and I think you do. Besides, we all know I'm gonna' be the only one ta' actually work again after the run of this show. Listen ta' me. There ain't much time. Listen!
A large chunk of rock falls towards Maria. Michael pushes Maria out of the way. The rock lands on Michael's chest. Using the power of his enormous fatty man-boobs he swats the rock away. Carol Channing flies from the portal and lands next to Isabel. The two immediately begin to slap fight.
The "set" of Roswell/Survivor calms as a spotlight falls on Rath.
My feelings on this subject can be best expressed in this passage from the film, "Brave heart."
Yo, fight and "yutes" may die, run and "yutes" live. At least a while. And dying in ya' beds many years from now, would yous be willing to trade all dems days from dis day to dat for one chance, just one chance ta' come back 'ere and tell our enemies, oh wait . . . I'm sorry, enemas . . dat dey may take our lives, but dey'll never take our . . . freedom!
The entire cast of Roswell/Survivor begins to cheer hysterically. Peachy walks into frame and hands Rath a Best Leading Actor in a Dramatic Series Emmy. The cast tosses roses at Rath. In the distance, Laurie and Lonnie wave at Rath until Shannon Doherty catches up with them. Now brandishing a rock she continues to chase them down. Valenti appears from behind a large rock to offer a distraction.
Valenti: Leave those girls alone!
Shannon ignores Porno’s plea.
Valenti: I always thought Alyssa was prettier!
Shannon screams and turns to chase Porno.
During the chaos, Tess turns to the camera as a single tear falls down her cheek, bathed in soft light.
Tess: Thank you Mr. De La Ghetto. From this point on I will look at the stars and remember.
From the portal above a gerbil come flying through the air, landing on Tess’ hair. Tess reaches up to grab the gerbil and smiles.
Tess: My gerbil! I should have never let Max babysit you! I thought I’d never see you again!
Everything returns to quiet as Rath leans towards Kyle and whispers something in his ear, which we can't hear. He then runs to the edge of the cliff and hurls himself into the portal.
The ball of energy wraps around Rath as he smiles, happily. Kyle watches, tears streaming from his face. Thousands of volts of electricity course through Rath's body as the portal shakes, quivers and then fades into nothing.
A few moments later . . .
Kyle descends the mountain and walks towards the others recovering from Rath's departure. We hear Rath's voice.
Kyle listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But dis job stinks ta high hell! Tell Laurie and Lonnie that I . . . I figured it out. And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends, but not actually give my love to them. You should really learn to keep ya' pants on for once. Seriously, you need to find someone who both loves and appreciates you for who you are. Whatever ya' are. Is anybody on this izland straight? I digress, you have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Kyle. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. The hardest part of leavin' dis show before your voted out is breakin' yer' contract. Be brave. Live. For me.
We come upon a grave hidden by willow trees. The ground is covered with grass. It has obviously been here for quite some time. On the tombstone we see the words:
RAPHAEL "RATH" DE LA GHETTO
1982-2001
BELOVED CLONE, DEVOTED "FIEND"
HE SAVED THE SHOW
A LOT
We cut to smash cut to black and then fade in. Suddenly the grave begins to shake. Two men lift the prop from the ground and carry it away. Another moves in and rolls the grass from the ground. As we pull back we see the set of Roswell/Survivor.
"Rath" sits, amazingly clean in a chair with his name on it. Script in hand he speaks on a cellular phone.
He notices the camera's presence and turns towards it. He begins to speak with no accent.
Oh! It's over! I'm so glad that it is. That was incredibly taxing on my creative juices. Well, I hope you all enjoy the rest of the Roswell/Survivor run. Be sure to check me out tonight at eight o'clock during our Roswell/Survivor chat. Of course all questions will be screened so I won't have to answer any questions about my personal life. Then rush out to rent the DVD version "American Booty" where I co-star with Jennifer Lopez. Finally, this Christmas I'll be starring with Lil’ Kim and Ricky Martin in "The Stripping News." Be sure to go out and see it and have a fantabulous night!
"Rath" yells towards a group of production workers.
Who the hell do I have to blow to get a friggin' capachino around here!
The cam pans over to "Max" who is filing his nails.
Max: What! Like you didn't see that coming!
And now that Shannen Doherty and Heather Locklear arrived, Tess just sits around with Lonnie and Ava and talks about how no one here understands the pressure of being evil, like she's such a badass. What a baby. Shannen and Heather make her look like a Girl Scout. And then I heard her talking to herself while she was looking in the mirror (and rubbing her stomach for some reason, like, whatever), and she was quoting that Jessica Rabbit line, saying, "I'm not really bad, I'm just written that way." WTF? But Lonnie sure is enjoying herself with Tess and Ava. Those three haven't been out of that tent for two days. And Shannen and Heather disappeared with Porno yesterday, and no one's seen any of them since.
Anyway, things have been great with Michael, but it's getting kind of hard to keep his attention. There's so many girls left, and we've got a serious shortage of real men. I mean, Alex is a great guy but he's a ghost, Nicholas is a kid, Brody just keeps getting weirder, Kato is a fucking idiot, and Sean and Kyle have been in the Jell-O pool since Max left and they won't let anyone else come near them. It's a good thing all us girls have gotten so close or I think I'd be getting in fights over Michael every night. In fact, I'd better go or Betty and Michael might start without me. You know, that girl needs some more time with the WonderWand. She's absolutely devastated that Lonnie and Ava hooked up with Tess.
Shortage of real men? SHORTAGE OF REAL MEN??
You get your ass over here to the Back Room, Sweet Cheeks -- I'll show you something that's not a shortage!
Hmmmph!
Porno collects himself, puts on his most winning "Hey, you can trust me! I'm just a small town hick Sheriff!" smile.
By the way, we'll be holding a little wake for the dear departed this evening at Natural Causes. Free drinks and all-you-can-eat barbeque buffet. Plus entertainment in the RoadKill room -- Karaoke Night! No doubt featuring 27 nauseatingly bad interpretations of "Here With Me"! It'll be -- what?
Turns in response to something off camera. There is a heavy dragging sound in the background.
Yeah, Nipsy, just dump him in the cooler. And start mixing up a lot of barbeque sauce!
Porno turns back to camera. There's that grin again.
Anyway, come on down! We'll be waitin' for ya! And remember, there are NO shortages here at Natural Causes!
Anyway, he and Nipsey brought some fresh meat into Natural Causes for dinner, and no one's seen Heather or Shannen since they left with Porno. What's up with that?
CM: Dude! Where have you been?
*sitting on a log* Oh, man. You know, after the whole Liz mindwarping, freaky dreams, stolen virginity fiasco, I just really needed to clear my head. So I took a walk.
CM: That was a hell of a long walk.
Yeah, well, it's a big island. *thumps chest I feel like a new man.
CM: You've missed a lot of important stuff while you were sojourning.
So-what?
CM: Never mind. You heard that we lost both Rath and Max?
Naw, really? Damn. I heard Rath was giving out pudding pops. I figured we'd lost Max, though. Even his rotting corpse smells like body oil. Those pecs... *shudders*
CM: And Maria's been having fun with Lonnie and Ava and the Wonderwand.
Yeah? *drooling copiously Well, I'm gonna have to ask her about that. Get the det- facts.
CM: Porno's pissed with her.
Huh? Why?
CM: She said something about there being a shortage of real men around.
*grinning* That's 'cause I was on walkabout. I'm all the man she needs. *puffs out chest proudly*
*after a moment* I should really track her down. We've been having a lot of fun lately-- threesomes, girl/girl action. Nice way to get my jollies. But it's been a while since we've gone one on one...
CM: Yeah, it has, it has.
*looking up* Max is gone though, right?
CM: Yeah. Why?
*grinning devilishly* Wonder if Kyle's free... Hey, I gotta go. I wanna make a stop before I track down Maria. *stands up*
CM: Hey! Did you also know that Liz is gone?
*grinning* Niiiiiice... *skips off into the gloaming*
CM: Yeah, I'm sure that'll make up for putting her in a coma.
Shut up!
Where was I? Oh yeah.
And, the whole Max and Rath being dead. And Nipsy, Heather, and Shannon... I mean, I love Shannon, she's great. She's such a bitch. Honestly, she's the only person to have ever been in the 90210 cast that I respect.
Well, I have to go. I'm gonna offer Kyle some comfort before my slumber party with Michael and Maria. Maybe stop by Porno's for a drink. Later.
God, that Rath is such a show-off. I mean, when everyone else got voted off, did they make a big spectacle and save the world and stuff? No. He thinks he’s so cool just because he’s seen more people’s breasts than I have. Or so he thinks. Whatever. There’s something I don’t understand, though. When Rath jumped into that vortex, all that evil stuff was supposed to go away. So how come I can’t get rid of this?
Laurie reaches behind her and reveals a giggling Shannen Doherty, who wields her cheekbones at the camera and squeals, “Laurie is my bestest friend in the whole wide world!”
She’s been following me around all day. This morning I went out to give Courtney a tongue bath in the Jell-O pool and left her in the tent, and when I came back five hours later I found her eating my grandpa’s sweater! She had spread some Jell-O on it and had the sleeve hanging out of her mouth and was all, “Hey, Laurie, this French toast you left for me was really good!” French toast! Sure, the sweater is kinda crusty and brown by now, but not that crusty and brown!
So I made Lonnie reach down her throat with her tongue, because Lonnie has a really long tongue, and pull it out. It was so gross. It had all this stomach acid and crumbled up pieces of Luke Perry’s dick all over it. Ew!
Oh yeah, I have something else to tell you. The play! It’s totally ruined. We’ve taken Max’s body and are having Nicholas prop it up and make his mouth move and talk for him like a puppet, but things are getting way out of comtrol. Kyle refuses to kiss a dead body, so we had to go looking for another Romeo, but nobody wants the part. Finally I said I’d take that part too. So now I’ve got three parts in the play, because I’ve had to take over Rath’s role too!
Hey, monkey, you haven’t said anything for a while. What are you-aaahhh!
Laurie turns around to find Shannen Doherty standing behind her holding a frying pan, in which lies a sizzling lump of brown fur. A burnt little fez rests limply on top.
Oh my God! What are you doing? That’s our cameraman!
Shannen Doherty pulls a fork from her pocket and digs in.
Shannen Doherty: Mmm, that’s good monkey!
My life is ruined.
Still humming, completely oblivious.
CM: You look surprisingly happy, after what you went through with Rath and Max.
Kyle starts dancing around with an imaginary partner, perhaps one with manly man-boobs.
CM: Kyle! This is a confessional you know.
Stops humming but still dancing. What? Oh yeah, the whole thing with Rath was really horrible. I didn’t think I would ever get over it, you know?
CM: Well, you seem to be doing ok.
Just trying to remember the good times. Sean suggested it, while we were in the jello pool. Said I was looking down, and that I should write what was wrong in jello on his di- er chest, and then I should take a bite, and that I would feel better. It made me feel a lot “happier”, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
CM: So Sean has helped you to forget all the trauma you just went through?
Well, I can never really forget. Stops dancing and begins to tear up. Rath and I were getting close you know. He didn’t have Max’s pecs, no one can ever have those pecs, but he also didn’t have Max’s horrible taste in music, clothes, and personality. Man, I still wake up, shaking at night hearing that creepy song.
CM: What creepy song?
You know… I mean I can’t even sing it, it traumatizes me so much. Maybe you’ll understand if I show you the flashback.
Flashback: We see Kyle, tied to the post. Max is singing “Why do birds, suddenly appear . . . every time . . . you are near! Just like me! They long to be . . . close to you!”
The flashback is broken by a girly scream. We see Kyle is screaming.
CM: Kyle, get a grip! Kyle stops screaming and moves towards the cameraman. Not on me!
Oh, sorry. Moves back. But you can see, how that song would traumatize me. And I don’t have Rath here to comfort me. I still don’t understand how his blood stopped it. I mean, I was still bleeding. And he didn’t have half the VDs I did; he had been celibate for so long.
CM: Celibate?
Well, I mean you can’t really call what we did sex, can you? I really will miss his pudding pop. But, back to the story, I thought I’d never get over it. But every time I woke up, shaking from that song, Sean was there to comfort me. He's so ubiquitous. He thought we should go to the Back Room at Natural Causes, to work on my grief, but I told him there’s something really wrong with my dad giving a live commentary of my, uh, “grief counseling”. So we headed for the jello pool.
CM: So you’ve been in the jello pool all this time?
Well, I was there for a while. But then, then he came.
CM: Who?
Michael. He came to “comfort” me, and I hadn’t seen him in awhile so I told Sean I’d come back later. Michael looks so much like Rath you know. Only cleaner, with manlier boobs. He thought, if we wrestled, I might feel a bit better. You know, I think he’d make a great Juliet. He’s got the boobs already, and we have great chemistry, and work really well together. I wonder if Alex would consider the recast. ‘Cause I am not kissing Max’s dead body. I mean, his line delivery is non-existent, and the pecs, well, they’re really starting to smell. Laurie seems to want to take over the part, but it’s weird with her being the daughter and the parents. So what do you think?
CM: Well, Alex might consider it. You should ask him.
Yeah, I’ll have to do that.
CM: So, is that where you’ve been all this time? Wrestling with Michael?
Well, no. You see Betty came up while we were wrestling. Said she wanted to give it a try. So the three of us wrestled around for a bit, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. But after awhile, I felt this need to be somewhere else. Betty was comforting for a while, but then she and Michael started to get really wrapped up in each other, and I felt a bit lonely. So I went back to the jello pool. But Sean wasn’t there anymore.
CM: You must have felt totally abandoned.
Well I did, for a minute. And I started thinking about Rath and Max. Then I realized that Sean had probably gone to the wake. So I headed over to Natural Causes. People there were really sad about what had happened, and felt bad that I had had such a traumatic experience. So everyone bought me a few drinks. It was karaoke night, and Nicholas and Sean dragged me onstage to sing Lady Marmalade. Afterwards we danced, in private, for a bit. They can really help a guy remember the good things in life, if you know what I mean, and-
CM: We get the point Kyle. You’re extremely repetitive when you get drunk. I think we could start a drinking game for this show. Take a swig every time Kyle says “you know”, and two swigs when he says “if you know what I mean”.
I think you’ve got some real tension between body and heart. Buddha says that can only lead to sorrow. I can help you out with that tension. Kyle moves towards Cameraman.
CM: Uh, why don’t you go back to dancing. Maybe get a few drinks.
Kyle starts humming again. Not a bad idea. I’m sure there’s still some people at Natural Causes willing to comfort me. Starts dancing. Hey, where’s MF? I haven’t seen him in awhile.
The Cameraman looks very sad all of a sudden. He walks up to Kyle and starts to whisper in his ear. Kyle stops dancing and humming, with a horrified look on his face.
NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Cameraman: Hey! Alex! Where are you off to? Don't you owe us a confessional or five?
Oh, hi cameraman!
Cameraman: Well, you're pretty chipper considering all of the deaths lately.
Why in the world would I be upset about people dying? Hello? I'm dead! You'd be surprised how much can go on when you're dead, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Cameraman: So you've seen Isabel?
*Alex just grins*
Anyway, here's the revised cast list for the play:
Juliet -- Kyle
Romeo -- Michael
Capulet -- Jason Katims
Lady Capulet -- Laurie
Montague -- Nicholas
Lady Montague -- Betty
Mercutio -- Lonnie
Benvolio -- Ava
Cameraman: I thought Kyle was Romeo.
Can you really picture Michael playing Juliet? Jeez!
Cameraman: Yeah, it's been a little busy. What's going on with you?
Well, I finally made peace with our resident peace officer. I went into Natural Causes to apologize to Porno for insulting his manhood, but he was really upset with me. He kept going on about how disrespectful I'd been, and how I needed to learn a lesson. Finally I told him I had to go 'cause I was supposed to meet Michael and Betty for a wrestling match, and he totally went off on me. He said I'd been running around on this show like a slut, and I was all, like, so who isn't? I mean, Kato's been keeping to himself, but he's a freak. Then Porno starts telling me that I need some discipline in my life, that Amy is too easy on me, and I just smiled and said, "Yeah, she is. And I've been a very bad girl." Heh. Maria stops talking and stares off into the distance
Cameraman: Well, what happened?
What? Oh, we went into the back room and Porno, um, well, I can't say what happened 'cause Mom's gonna see this, but let's just say that Porno is the closest thing to a father I have in my life, and some fathers believe that children need to be, um, you know, spanked if they act up.
Cameraman: He spanked you? muttering I told Mr. Monkey Fantastico we needed more damn cameras at that fucking bar!
Well, I didn't say that. The way I see it, he introduced me to a fun new game, and Michael and I just played all night. Michael likes it too, but he used to play with Max. He said I have a nicer ass than Max though, even if Max's boobs are bigger. And it was really great to spend some time with just Michael, but I think we're going to ask Betty to play tonight. She still misses the WonderWand.
Well then, now that that's over with, on with the Tribal Council! It was another nailbiter this week, but the results are in, and they are SHOCKING. Maria's "incessant whining about Michael" has apparently gotten on the nerves of some of her tribesmates. She picked up 7 votes. But she squeaks by, safe for another week, as Jason Katims' hack writing earns him the boot with 8 votes. As one of our Survivors said so memorably in the Council: "Dude, NAMBLA called. They want your membership card returned."
Kato, it's time to post your final words.
***
In Memory of Monkey Fantastico, 2000-2001
***
and...
[As one of our Survivors said so memorably in the Council: "Dude, NAMBLA called. They want your membership card returned."]
My dues are paid up through 2003. We'll talk then.
-------
On to next part - The Tribe Dwindles