Adam and Eve

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”

The rest is history....  Return to top

Froze to Death

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

 "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

 The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

 "What do you mean?" asks the first man.

 "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!" Return to top

Marriage

§     Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

§     I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

§     Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

§     The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

§    In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

§    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

§    A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."

§     Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

§     Young son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

§     A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

§      The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

§     First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"  Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

§    How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

§    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all!

§     If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

§    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

§     A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying.  Return to top

Prison vs Work

Can someone explain why we go to work??

IN PRISON.....You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.....You get three meals a day.

AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal (if you are lucky) and you have to pay for it.

 

IN PRISON.....You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

 

IN PRISON.....A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and

open all the doors yourself.

 

IN PRISON.....You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

 

IN PRISON.....You get your own toilet.

AT WORK.....You have to share.

 

IN PRISON.....They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

 

IN PRISON.....All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.  

 

IN PRISON.....You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

 

IN PRISON.....There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.

 

IN PRISON.....You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

AT WORK.....You get fired if you get caught.

Now get back to work. Return to top

The Golf Ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

Well," the friend asked, "What happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back, no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is fluourescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

  The other guy replies, "I found it." Return to top

Go to All-Type Jokes III