5/10/00 (cont'd)
Or could it just be that, now that I've got my head slightly screwed back on straight, I'm seeing what the last ten years might have been like, and that's what I'm after? The life I missed out on because I was so busy trying to figure out how to either kill myself or fade away into "comfortably numb"-ness? I think my whole Omaha experience might have been a hell of a trip if I hadn't been so damned depressed and miserable and fucked up the whole time. Is that what I want, to try to regain those years I lost to the past?
But that can never be done, because you don't get a refund on shitty time. Just store credit.
That sucks. I want a do-over.
So even if I can't get those years back to do over again, I wonder if there's any way to incorporate the time I missed into my life today and in the future. Surely there has to be. But that means some serious changes, in myself and in the way I operate. And will everyone in my life be able to deal? Specifically, Megan?
She doesn't understand what this is like, and there's no way I can explain it to her. It's like I've been locked in a dark, cold closet for more than ten years, and someone just turned the key and opened the door. I might still be in the closet, but I don't have to stay there anymore. I can see the light outside and I can see the world on the other side of that door. And I want to be part of that but I'm not sure quite how, because my eyes have gotten very used to the dark. I can't explain what this feels like to her, and I can't even begin to try because she just doesn't get it and when I really think about it, it's so overwhelming it's hard not to cry. Which makes me wonder--have I been crazy, or am I just now getting crazy? I feel like I've been on one of those centrifugal force rides that when you get off you can't hardly walk and you don't know whether to laugh or barf on your shoes.
Or both.
I definitely think I'm going to take up drinking heavily again. Which would be a lot easier if I didn't want to go to bed after 2 drinks. Excuse me, can you help me? I seem to have lost my youth, have you seen it?
"I've been thinking I've been thinking too much, I just want to live now for a little while and cast my dreams to the wind...don't want to wonder what it's all about, I'm just working for a living...I'm coming home, never worry about what I did wrong, and that I'll never be what my daddy wanted me to be and I'll never see what my mama's dreams were, But I will sing..."
Next Entry