06/05/00 (cont'd)
The big deal is that it would be a change. And we all know how I feel about change. It's only fun and cleansing and worthwhile when you do a total overhaul.
But I don't even know much of anything about the job yet, so it may be too early to jump to any conclusions. I do know for certain that I have to find SOMETHING. Because this place is making me crazy. The whole atmosphere of it...uppity rich white folk (mostly men, but a few bitches here and there), all breeders, pushing around the trash women and the niggers and the fags and all the other lesser-thans that they so charitably hire. And they act like they've done us all a favor by giving us jobs where we can be in their almighty presence. It makes me fucking sick. I just don't know how much longer I can stand being someone's "girl."
And Miss Megan...I don't know what to do with her. I love her, but is love enough? She asked me, "is it the passion of a new relationship that you want..." and before I could answer with an emphatic "YES" she continued "...because that just isn't possible."
Oh. Okay. So what, then?
She is, at least, making an effort for once. She's actually taking my feelings into consideration, as if the relationship were about someone OTHER THAN JUST HER. Wow. And it's impressive, it really is. But I can't help but wonder how long it's really going to last.
And it's not all her, either. I don't know that I am cut out for long-term affairs.
So what do I do? Stay with her for the long-term stability and friendship (and let's not forget financial gain of a 2-person household) and have a series of meaningless sexual encounters with a variety of people that don't count because it's her that I really love? That just seems so lousy to me.
But what are the alternatives?
I've been having this feeling lately...like back in grade school, that feeling that would hit around April...when you could feel the end of the school year and the dawn of summer vacation coming and it was close, so close...that's the feeling I've been having. This deep giddy anticipation of some end of some sort and with it a beginning. But the question is, what? I have no definitive plans. I don't even know what I'm going to wear tomorrow. Still that feeling...it almost makes me as nervous as it does exhuberant.
Shit, therapy this morning. Dammit. It's such an inconvenience. And I'm every bit as looney as I ever was, so I can't say that it's really working. But I don't really know what it is that I'm supposed to be shooting for anymore. Initially it was to not be afraid anymore...well, I'm not afraid anymore, but now I'm just very very pissed off. Hmmm...I don't think that's quite what was intended... Maybe I really am just seeing a bunch of crackpot students.
Anyway, since I'm going to be out half the morning, I suppose I should try to get something done before noon. I am certain that more will be added to this, so...
(later) I went home for lunch and the first thing I did was hug my dog. I hugged all of the dogs, actually, but I hugged George first and longest because he's my very best friend and he deserves it.
Then I came back from lunch and as I was getting on the elevator someone pointed out to me that one of the seams in the back of the dress I'm wearing--the dress that used to swim on me--is ripping out. I noticed this morning that the damn thing is considerably tighter than it was the last time I put it on, like, a month ago. Dammit.
Megan is taking her brother and a couple of his little homey-wannabe buddies to the big 311 show tonight. She is doing this not for her love of 311, but because her mother brow-beat her into doing it. (I'm the only person in the world that Megan can say "no" to.) I have been tormenting her mercilessly because 311 is only cool if you're a white boy from a small town who thinks it's cool to wear your pants so low your ass hangs out and you talk like you're from the inner city. Yes, her brother fits all of the criteria. She planned to take a "book on tape" until I reminded her that she would never, ever hear it over the din of the stage show. If she had any sense, she'd send the kiddies off to the show and wait for them in the parking lot--in her car. To hell with their safety and well-being, the more stoned they get, the more easily they'll be led back to the car ("we're hungry, let's go to McDonald's...").
And tomorrow night she has class, so I'm home alone for the next two nights. Hmmm...mixed feelings about this one. I have lots and lots to do that I probably wouldn't do if she were home. Plus it will be nice to have some "me" time. But I do miss her when she's gone. Tonight I think I'll walk the dogs (at the field, it not only gives them exercise but gives me opportunity to flirt with Zak because I'm a shameless slut) and then go to Sutherland's and buy some potting soil and a couple of pots and finally PLANT THE DAMN PEPPERS. Sheesh. That will probably cover tonight, if I have any time left I may venture to the school computer lab (they don't know I'm not enrolled for the summer) and dick around on the web. I'm such a damn nerd. (My friend the geek, by the way, told me to bring my hunk'o'shit back in and he will load Windows for me. Bless his heart.) Tomorrow night, I will probably take my cell phone to the shop (I still haven't done that, by the way) and go to Barnes & Noble to pick up some goodies with the gift certificate I got for Suckretaries' Day from one of the bosses.
And in between all of that fun and games I shall do some serious reflection.
I was told today in therapy that I am not sane enough to cut back to every other week and that I must revert to every week. <Sigh> So much for my progress. Actually, they are concerned that with the hurricane season currently raging in my brain, it may not be a good idea for me to be cut loose just yet. Plus, I think they enjoy studying me, because I'm the cutest little guinea pig and my innermost thoughts are oh-so-much fun. I can't say I really mind. I'm contemplating some serious life changes and let's face it, I suck at making decisions.
I was also told that I've spent considerable time determining what I DON'T want to be, and what I don't want in my life...and now I have to start thinking about what I DO want. And figuring out what of those I already have and what I have to go get and how to go about getting them.
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