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06/08/00
"...I want to be there...I want to go back down and get high by the sea there...with a tin cup for a chalice, fill it up with good red wine..."
Zak told me Tuesday night (during the dog walking that is becoming a routine) that I have a bad attitude. I told him that typically, the people who have told me that I have a "bad attitude" are the people who treat me like crap and therefore induce my bad attitude. But it bothered me all night long. I don't want to come across as a hateful, evil, bitchy person. But I have certainly felt like one lately.
Then yesterday, I spent the morning interviewing at the hospital (more on that later), then came home and laid around in the sun (I am officially white trash--laying in a 2-piece in my driveway with only my car to shield me from the view of passers by--yeeeeeeHAH) and cleaned the house a bit and then spent some time making myself gorgeous...and I had an epiphany of sorts...I realized with horror that I was actually...happy...and not hateful and cranky and wicked and vile. It occurred to me at that moment that I'm really NOT an evil person. It's MY JOB that's killing me. It makes me hate people and it makes me eat.
And the clouds parted, and the birds sang, and the hallelujah chorus played somewhere in the distance...
So I definitely need a new job. But I am balking over the hours situation at the hospital. I am pretty sure that they will offer me a job. But I'm not sure that I'm willing to go back to working nights. I know I was really gung-ho about it at first, but now I'm having doubts. I really enjoy my evenings. I like getting the bullshit out of the way in the daytime and then having my night totally free. So I wonder, do I take the job (if it's offered to me) and see how much I hate it, or should I ask HR if they have anything else available that keeps day hours, or should I just nix them entirely and try my hand with a temp agency? Temping is so fraught with instability, though, but every temp agency I've ever worked for, I've been hired out of the very first job I get sent on. So maybe that would be the way to go...too many decisions and I just don't know what I want to do... Maybe today I should send some resumes out to temp agencies just so I know there will be something out there when I finally give my notice here. I'm still planning to wait until after I get back from vacation. I've earned that time off, dammit, I intend to take every minute of it.
Okay, and if I worked nights, I'd miss out on my 6:00 dog walks. I'm really, really bad. But it could just be that I really like him as a person, and that I'm incredibly lonely and I have no other friends. And I'm a slut. I'm not looking for love, I'm looking for sex. And conversation.
But I think he's beginning to wonder. I really don't know if he's aware that Megan and I are, for all practical purposes, a couple, although surely J would have mentioned that at some point over the last year. But some of the things he said yesterday...he asked me "do you do this every day" (meaning walking the dogs) and I said "yes" and he said "only now you do it twice because I'm here" and I said, "no, I just want to make them good and tired so they don't bother me at night." Well, yes, it's true that I take them around the field an extra time when he shows up as I'm leaving, but I enjoy talking to him, so what's the problem? I used to do the same thing with J before he started getting on my damn nerves. Then later a comment about moody women led to him saying something about "that's why I'm single and happy" that I didn't catch in its entirety, but that I didn't respond to with anything more than a shrug like "whatever." Because if he was wanting me to extole upon the beauty of male/female relationships, he was expecting too much. I don't want one. Sex, sure, but not a relationship. No thanks. He didn't say anything more in that regard, though. But about ten minutes later when he was playing with my dogs, he started harrassing Martha (because she's a brat and she begs for harrassment) who happened to be hiding between my legs. And he was getting frightfully close to my knee. But I didn't move, because that would have been obvious.
And if there's anything I don't want to be, it's obvious.
As we were leaving we got into the "guess how old I am" game and he guessed me at 22 or 23. NOW I'm in love. But Megan later told me (as I was gloating) that J told him a long time ago how old we were during a similar "guess my age" session and that he has known all along. (My comment--"so I gave him a blow job for NOTHING? Damn...")
So is he playing me, or just playing along with the game that I started and am now trying to deny ever involving myself in?
Yeah, MEthinks the lady doth protest too much, too.
But it's not like I'm looking for love. God, no. I'm looking for a friend that I can have cheap tawdry sex with...no strings attached...
But I'm wondering whether or not that's possible.
Boy, this sucks. I have too many choices. I think I liked entrapment better. Take the hospital job, ask for something else, find something different altogether, or stay here? (I think we all know that my staying here would be very very wrong at this point.) Make a conscious decision to limit my dealings with Zak to a "friends-only" nature, or "go with the moment" and see what happens? Leave Megan or try one last desperate attempt at making the relationship work? (That includes pushing the sex issue because let's face it, it's kind of an important attribute of any relationship--right?) Paper or plastic? Regular or super? Ribbed or "natural"?
I think I'm working myself into a tizzy right now, and it's only 9:18 in the morning. That sucks. What sucks even more is that I'm here. Ugh. Time to go peruse the want ads again...
God, I just read orchidinfant's latest testimony to love...ack. I'm trying to control the bile. I almost sent her an e-mail indicating that I KNOW where she and her new love will be in the future...in the same HELL HOLE that I'm currently in right now with the lovely girl I could have written the same words to years ago. But halfway through the e-mail I thought, crap, that's really mean, just because your life sucks right now is no reason to rain on someone else's parade. Don't be such a bitch. So I pushed "cancel" instead.
See? I DO have self-control. I do, I do, I do.
"...'all right,' said Alice, 'I'm going back to the other side of the mirror'..."
I think that's where I should head, myself. |
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