06/15/00
"...though I've never really been in love, I know now what it means to miss someone..."
I think when I started to clear some of the cobwebs out of my brain, and I started to really acknowledge my ability and worth as a person, I was so completely enthralled with the idea that I could make changes in my life...I fell in love with the changes and didn't stop to think about what they were going to mean. I didn't want to. In a way, I knew, but I didn't want to waste time thinking about all of that, I wanted to stand in the sunlight of the dawn of my brand new day.
So I guess I need to spend some time saying good-bye to the way my life has been. To the notion that I had to go to law school, and I had to be a rich lawyer, and I had to act a certain way and dress a certain way and BE a certain way because that's what would make my family/Megan/my friends/my colleagues/the world happy. I suppose I need to think about what this means for me...the fact that life as I know it is about to completely alter itself. Rather, be altered by me.
It's rather mind boggling.
I told Megan today (over the phone of all places--sheesh, but we're never home at the same time other than like, bedtime, so it's hard to have meaningful conversations in person these days) that I really can't be sure that we have anything salvageable. I told her that I still love her, and always will, and that she's my best friend, and I always want her to be in my life in some shape or form. (I may be dreaming. We'll see, I suppose.) I told her that I'd rather fix up the basement and move into it (or have her move into it, depending on who lost the coin toss) and just be "buddies" and "roommates" than go on another day like we have been. I told her that I would be more than willing to explore this mess that has become our relationship and, if there is something that can be fixed, fix it, but that if we can't fix the problems (i.e., we're just too different and the problem is that we just aren't "it" for each other any more) then we need to move on. And I told her that, in the meantime, I think we should revert to our original plan...to live jointly but separately and try to do so as cordially and politely as possible.
I wonder just how much of that will actually happen?
I have about 26 hours to decide whether or not to give my notice tomorrow and make June 30 my last day here at The Firm. I really hate to quit my job without something definite lined up to occupy my time (and provide me with cash) when I get back from Florida (or wherever--even if she decides she'd rather I not accompany her, I'm certainly going somewhere). I absolutely hate it here and it's getting harder and harder to pretend otherwise.
I have way too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it.
Sometimes life really sucks.
I'll have to add to this later, I have work to do (why, I ask, if I'm planning to quit??).
Okay, I've reached that point where I have absolutely so much to do that it makes precious little sense to do anything other than sit here and shovel donettes into my mouth as fast as I can. This is very, very sad, folks.
I'm not sure whether I want to cry or scream.
So I wonder which bed I'll sleep in tonight? I think I'll sleep in the dead old lady bed. I don't care about not having a hell of a lot of space to spread out, considering I mostly sleep tied up in a knot as it is.
Megan's called me three times this afternoon just to say hello. She asked me this last time if I'd be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee or something after she gets out of class tonight. Why? So we can together mourn the death of our relationship? I told her I might be up for it but I'd have to let her know.
Then she told me that she checked with her insurance and she has this therapy benefit that we could use...then she said the problem she found, looking at her list, was not finding someone "qualified" (by her standards) but rather finding someone she doesn't personally know.
I think this is a lost cause. Any thoughts? Please share. I'm going home to drink beer now.
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