07/16/00
"..you should learn when to go, you should learn how to say no..."
I picked up a replacement copy of Hole's "Live Through This" today, and have been listening to it since, as it seems to complement my current mood. Expect this entry to be peppered with Hole lyrics. Courtney Love is such a skank (and I still blame her for Kurt's demise), but God, is that a damn good album or what?
Friday I took Zak to (finally) get his truck. I had kind of thought that we were going to begin our weekend screw fest that night, but I instead spent part of that night at the field with Jud talking about shit.
Actually, I can't particularly recall all of the events of Friday, so fuck it. I did call my sister, who invited me to go boating with them at Smithville Lake Saturday with her, the future-idiot-in-law, my brother, one of his friends, and a friend of the idiot-in-law's. I agreed.
I can say that Megan has been astoundingly cold to me since Thursday night. I think she knows something's up. I don't think she knows who with, but her demeanor is pretty self-explanatory.
"Yeah, they really want you, they really do...and I do too..."
So Saturday I got up and left the house around 9:15 in the morning to head for the lake. I told Megan to have a good time, bid her a quick farewell, and headed north. My whole thought process was "fuck Zak, this is nothing serious, this is not even a relationship, I have my own life, and I'm going to just do it." But I took my fucking cell phone with me, even on the damn boat... We had a good time. Idiot's buddy brought his wave runner and my sister tried to kill me on it by throwing me off on a turn. Then she ended up throwing us both off, tipping the wave runner, and then having a panic attack in the middle of the lake. The guys came back in the boat to pick us up and retrieve the wave runner. I got a lot of sun and had a great time. I called Zak around 1:00 and left him a message. I didn't expect him to call me back at all.
Around 3:45, as we were heading back to the dock, my phone rang.
Bingo.
I asked him "are you cooking me dinner tonight, or what?" He said he would. "So anything I cook is good, right?" I went home, showered, fed the dogs, and headed for his house. For the first time all week, I was actually hungry. Actually...relaxed. Like, "see? It's all good. Nothing to panic about." He greeted me at the door with a kiss and told me we were having tortellini with marinara made from scratch. (I today found out that he actually called Jud wanting help with what he should cook for me.) And damn, the man can cook. It was all very tasty, and after dinner he smoked his joint and I chain-smoked cigarettes while he flipped channels between car races and some damn documentary on the Taj Mahal. Not that I was horribly offended, as I was exhausted and had that awful post-boat floaty feeling... He dragged out photo albums to show me pictures of his dad's place down south (where he retreats often and has expressed an interest in taking me) and one entire album dedicated to...his dog. Is that fuckin' sweet or what? We spent most of the evening just doing that cuddly-wuddly thing on the couch in front of the t.v.
And then...it was bedtime.
Once again, I am absolutely floored by this man's prowess. Jesus God. Fantastic. Of course, afterward I told him that someone had trained him very well (which I had mentioned to Jud the night before). He said "where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah, from Jud!" Apparently, Jud gets it from both of us and spills it just as readily. That skinny fuck. I thought men didn't fuck and tell? At least not with details. So I came back in full effect--"yeah, well...I hear I'm worth skipping ice cream before bed..."
We went to sleep barely touching (because it was hotter than fuck in that room) but eventually ended up closer. He woke me up around 4:45 in the morning for more. Good God.
Then this morning I could tell his Rain Man nature was making him antsy so I split around 8:30. I talked to Jud again this afternoon. I took the dogs out around 6 and there he was. High as a kite and more than slightly pissy. When he loaded Rex in his truck he just looked at me and said "where are you going?" and waved as if waving me off.
"...my stupid fuck my blushing bride oh tear my heart out tear my heart out..."
So what the fuck is up with this? Am I his whore? He calls me when he wants to get his dick wet and then he puts me back in the closet like a fucking blow-up doll? Fuck that shit.
But isn't that what I wanted?
No, I wanted him to fall head-over-heels for me, and worship me, and spend his nights pining for me, while I played him to the hilt. I admit it. That's what I wanted. Dammit. And now it appears the player is getting played. I can't even win at my own fucking games! I suck so bad...
But this is a good thing...this is keeping me in line...helping me keep things in perspective. If he really were all goofy over me, then I'd be in the same boat I've been in my whole life. Focussing on a relationship and not my life. And that's not the objective anymore. As long as he keeps his distance, I can remember to keep mine.
But I can't help but think about the fact that he remembers shit I say, he shows me his dog's baby pictures, he cooks me dinner and goes so far as to actually seek advice on what to cook.
I do not understand men. I do not understand women. I do not understand people. I do not understand anything. FUCK IT.
So I don't know what the fuck to do from here. Keep it status quo, try not to get hung up on it, and just enjoy the fact that I'm getting some really good sex from someone whose company I also enjoy but who isn't suffocating? Call it quits before one of us gets real pissed off? Look for something else to occupy my time? I told him yesterday about how I got stopped by the parking nazis at the lake and when I didn't have the $3 to pay for parking, offered to give the nazi a blow job (it was a joke, I did no such thing), and he said "I might get jealous." I asked him, "you might, huh?" and he said, "yeah, I might."
Then the more rational part of me says this...he's a single man. He's been a single man for a very long time.
But wait, there's more...