07/16/00 (cont'd)
He's also about 3 brain cells away from being an android. His routine is everything. And I am seriously fucking with his routine. And he's a man. I'm sure he's thought at least once "no, no, no, women fuck up everything..."
"...go on, take everything, I want you to..."
So either he's an asshole, or he's just trying to pull in the reins. I'm too tired to try to figure it out. Life is too goddamn complicated. I'm Miss World, somebody kill me.
I must remember that just because he doesn't fall head-over-heels-sick-in-love with me doesn't necessarily mean I am not a good person, or unattractive, or not a good lay (according to Jud, I am a good lay, by the way), or whatever.
"I made my bed I'll lie in it, I made my bed I'll die in it...I made my bed I'll cry in it..."
I must remember that I didn't want another relationship. I must remember my specific words--"friends with privileges."
I must remember that I am a scorpio and to even think that I was capable of something so simple was completely ludicrous. I am a moron. I must remember that, and act accordingly.
Shit, fuck, screw.
Tomorrow I start my new job. At least it will give me something to occupy my time. I'm certainly going to miss China Beach, though. I've enjoyed unemployment. Dammit. Why must I be capable of holding a job? I want to marry a millionaire. I would've taken that dork, even if he was an asshole.
I'm so tired. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel, what to say, what to want, what to believe, what to need.
Help!
But wait, there's more...