Babysitting 101

Unless you're a teenager in search of income, or a grandparent, babysitting is not something most of us think about too often. But sometimes you find yourself "volunteered" to oversee some little ones. There's panic, and then there's babysitting panic.

A little research is not a problem. You can find babysitting advice everywhere. But most of it is that wimpy, what's-best-for-the-child kind of stuff. You're desperate and you need something direct and effective. You need some tried-and-true Atomic Tips.

The first thing you need to do is strangle whomever has place you in such a dire predicament. This is not a revenge-motivated retaliation; it is a warning to others that you have your limits. In legal terms, it's also a precedent that can be important to your temporary insanity defense (in case you go wacko after the babysitting begins).

But once you're in front of the little angels, motives are out the window. Now you're where the rubber meets the road, and baby, there are a lot of potholes ahead. Like a rodeo cowboy, you've got to keep your knees together and hang on for the ride. And keep your knees together. No, really. (See Toddlers, height of.)

Quickly, you need to gather your supplies. Relax, the list is short and contains things that should be readily available in any household:

• Duct tape
• Spaghetti

Next, exploit the fact that kids love games, and multiply your success by relating to the children on their level. Here's where you have to supply a little ingenuity and baseline knowledge of the rugrats' likes and dislikes. Tell them you want to play Spiderman, or fly strip, or booger-wiped-on-the-wall. They'll line up eagerly, ready for fun.

Now take the duct tape and, using prodigous portions, adhere the anklebiters to a suitable surface. Remember that duct tape removal can ruin most plaster, wallpaper and painted surfaces, so you'll want to pick something that won't be scarred by the tape's adhesive. Large metal objects such as refrigerators are good, but my personal favorite is the garage door. Kids love rides too, especially if they're upside down.

You've got the little ones right where you want them: subdued. As you wander off to check the scores on ESPN, you may hear some whining and/or screaming. Laugh and tell them that real boogers can't scream and that they're not role-playing very well. Then ignore them.

Well, not totally. You do have feed them sometime. That's where the spaghetti comes in. If you can't cook spaghetti, what the hell are you doing watching someone's dependents? You'd better just call the cops now. But assuming you can boil water, cook the spaghetti according to package directions. Remember not to rinse the spaghetti, because you'll need that starchy coating.

Have you ever thrown spaghetti against something? It usually sticks, especially if it's still warm. Approach your little boogers and tell them you have some snot sticks for them to ingest. Then start throwing the spaghetti at their faces. It should stick handily, most likely aided by the gooey secretions normally found around a child's mouth. The youngsters will enjoy yet another game, noisily sucking in the spaghetti. And if you've adhered them within flinging distance of the TV, you can feed them without missing a single commercial.

Time for another tip. If you're a softy and have included spaghetti sauce in the chucked chow, you'll need to clean up the little leeches. I have found a hose to be the most time-efficient cleaning device, although they sometimes appreciate Mr. Janitor trying to wipe the boogers off the wall with a wet cloth (hey, you might have to role-play too).

Shortly before the parents return, tell your charges that the boogers have dried and are about to fall off the wall by themselves. Carefully remove the duct-taped children from their suspended location, clean any stray adhesive off of them (rubbing alcohol helps), and ruffle the hair on their little heads. Aren't they cute?

There you have it. You have entertained and fed small children. You were able to do what you wanted to do, like watch that Beavis and Butt-head marathon, and still be responsible. And if you've been truly successful, the kids will beg their parents to let you babysit them again.