Millennium Snobs

Perhaps you've heard about the upcoming millennium. End-of-the-world doomsayers warn of an apocalypse. Computer experts are grappling with problem software that will be confused by the date change. And Prince, or "The Artist" as his friends and sycophants call him now, prepares for an avalanche of royalties when everyone parties like it's 2000.

But there are sinister aspects to this upcoming event. I'm not talking about survivalists, or the problems we'll all have with writing dates on checks. It's worse than that. We have to put up with millennium snobs.

In case you've been lucky enough not to have encountered one yet, these insidious creatures are not easy to identify. You can't see one coming. They don't wear a secret membership ring or have a special tattoo. You don't know it until it's too late. You'll be discussing some aspect of the year 2000. Suddenly, one of these cultists will reveal themselves by announcing, "You know, the millennium doesn't really start until the year 2001."

As you stare at them with a blank look, they revel in their superior knowledge. They smirk with smug satisfaction at their intimate grasp of the complexities of year-ology. They pity the poor layperson that doesn't realize the intricacies of millenniumism. But what they themselves still fail to understand is why we used to hit them with spitwads in math class.

It's true. These Jeopardy contestants do move among the rest of us. Unfortunately, they fail to realize three things: 1. we don't care; 2. take a look at the way the real world uses dates; and 3. we really don't care.

Yes, I understand that it has something to do with there being no year "zero". And that the first year of a decade/century/ millennium technically ends with a "one". So I suppose they have a point. But I'm sick of hearing if. It has no bearing on real life. But who knows, it may give them the winning point in a game of Trivial Pursuit.

When I say "real life", I mean the way that all real people use dates. For us, it's new when the year odometer flips to zero. The nineties started in 1990. When KTel sells the "Hits of the 80s", it includes songs from 1980 to 1989. So therefore the 21st century starts in 2000. Prince knew this years ago when he recorded his song.

So if you're challenged by one of these know-it-alls, stand your ground. Use your intuitive knowledge of how people utilize dates. And remind them that even the Oxford English Dictionary (unabridged) makes allowances for common usage of words. After all, "snob" used to mean a lower-class person.

And be happy for the new century's arrival. It's a time in your life when you'll get to say "double-ought" and be talking about a year, not buckshot.